Chapter 50

Hannah

A few days later, there was a knock on the front door that made me jump. My heart started pounding as I set down the book I had been reading and crossed the living room to answer it.

The delivery man didn’t even have time to say anything before I snatched the plain cardboard box from his hands, quickly thanked him, and slammed the door shut again, locking it behind me. I knew exactly what was inside that box without even having to check.

I carried it upstairs and into my personal en suite bathroom, my fingers trembling slightly as I used the tiny pair of bathroom scissors to cut through the tape sealing the box closed. Sure enough, there was my usual order from WhiteRabbit—enough diet pills to last me at least another month. Maybe two if I really rationed them out.

As I stared down at the stark white bottles filled with those little blue tablets that had been my crutch for so many years, I felt a churning of various different emotions in my gut: guilt, excitement, relief, anger, sadness… and so much more.

Part of me, the more sane and logical part, was already mentally preparing to march right over to the bathroom and flush every last one of them down the toilet. Just like I had promised myself—no, promised my child, the Moon Goddess, the counselor and the other women in the eating disorder support group—that I would do if I ever felt the urge to relapse again.

But the other part of me, the darker and more insidious part… that part was whispering that I should hang onto them. Just in case of an emergency; after all, what if I suddenly put on a bunch of weight during the pregnancy?

They didn’t have to be gone for good, not really.

My grip tightened ever so slightly around the bottle as that evil voice took hold of me. I could feel the familiar itch, that nagging craving for control over my body that the pills had always granted me.

Just a few wouldn’t hurt, right? I could take them and still be in control this time, I lied to myself. Not like before. I would wait this time; I would wait until it was absolutely necessary. And then they would be here, waiting.

Eventually, with shaking hands and a shuddering breath, I tucked the bottles deep inside the back corner of the medicine cabinet above the bathroom sink and hid them behind a few other things.

Out of sight, out of mind, I thought to myself… for now, at least. Just in case.

I felt sick with myself as I closed the medicine cabinet door, gritting my teeth against the wave of shame that washed over me upon seeing my reflection staring back at me in the mirror. So much for being strong. So much for getting better.

That night, I spent an hour staring at my gaunt reflection in the bathroom mirror, clutching my knees to my chest as I cried silent tears until my eyes stung and my throat felt raw.

Out of sight… Out of mind…

…

The sound of a knock on my bedroom door caused me to look up from my phone. “Come in,” I called out, even though I already knew who it was.

A moment later, my handmaid stepped into the room. “Are you ready, Luna Hannah?” she asked, her eyes roving over my sleek black dress. “Alpha Noah is waiting in the car.”

I sighed and nodded, standing and smoothing down my dress. I had picked something plain and unassuming to wear to tonight’s dinner party—one of Noah’s old friends had just bought a new house and was throwing a housewarming party, and of course we were expected to attend.

“I’m ready.”

A little while later, Noah and I were pulling up to the front of his friend’s new house. It was a sleek modern house with a perfectly-manicured front garden, a Scandinavian sort of design with light wood accents against the dark metal. Not really my style, but it was nice.

The driver put the car in park, and I quickly pulled my compact out of my purse to check my lipstick before we headed in.

“I should let you know,” Noah said matter-of-factly, “Zoe is going to be here.”

I froze at Noah’s words, my stomach dropping. Zoe. I hadn’t seen her since that uncomfortable double date. Why hadn’t he told me?

“Gee. Thanks for the warning,” I said, returning my gaze to my reflection in my compact mirror.

Of course he hadn’t warned me. Why would he? He knew damn well how much her presence made me squirm, even after all this time. Part of me wondered if he had failed to inform me on purpose just to get under my skin.

For a few moments, the car was silent. I took my time reapplying my dark red lipstick and primping my hair, but there was only so much I could do. My cheeks had been looking a little fuller lately, but not now.

My cheeks looked horribly gaunt. And there were those damn shadows under my eyes again, no matter how much concealer they packed on. I definitely needed to up my calorie intake these next few days if I wanted to start looking… healthier.

Finally, we stepped out of the car. I walked around the back, catching my reflection in the shiny car exterior, and felt my stomach drop once more.

“I look fat,” I blurted out, smoothing my hand over the soft fabric of my dress.

Noah, who had already begun making his way toward the front path leading up to the house, froze in his tracks. I glanced over, seeing his shoulders tense up before he turned around to face me.

“Hannah,” he sighed, “you’re not fat. Not even close.”

“But—”

“I won’t hear any more of it.”

I blinked owlishly at him, my breath catching in my throat. Noah’s eyes roamed over my face for a moment before flicking down to my hands—only then did I realize they were trembling where they gripped my shawl around myself.

Without a word, Noah took one of my hands in his larger, warm one and gave it a tight, reassuring squeeze. I stared down at our joined fingers, feeling my heart flip over and over again inside my chest.

When was the last time he had touched me willingly like this? When was the last time he had made any effort whatsoever to comfort me or address my insecurities? My throat worked uselessly as I opened and closed my mouth, unable to find the right words.

But it was over just as quickly as it had begun. Noah cleared his throat and let go of my hand, taking a small step back.

“Enough dilly-dallying. We should head inside,” he said gruffly, not meeting my eyes as we walked up the path together. We stopped at the large front door and Noah pressed the buzzer, another silence falling between us as we waited.

“If you decide to stick close to me tonight, I won’t hold it against you,” he blurted out.

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words would come. Not that it mattered, anyway—before I could even answer, the door was opening and Noah’s friends were ushering us in, taking our jackets, giving us a tour and pressing drinks into our hands.

“And here’s the dining room,” the host said, gesturing openly at the large room as we stepped through the square archway. A spread of delicious-looking food was already laid out, the sound of soft music playing over the speakers.

But I hardly saw any of that. I only saw Zoe, standing at the far window with a glass of red wine in her hand, wearing a nearly identical dress to mine. And oh, how much more beautiful she looked in it than I.

Instinctively, I moved closer to Noah.