Chapter 170

After the police got our statements and took away Chevalier’s body, I returned to my apartment with a temporary replacement guard until Jeffrey healed from the silver poisoning. I couldn’t stay at Andrew’s second house for another moment, not with the memory of what I had done there. Andrew volunteered to stay with me for the night, but I did not want to burden him with my turmoil, so I told him that I just wanted to sleep off the trauma.

I hoped that I would feel better the next day, but I could not get Chevalier’s lifeless eyes out of my mind…or how his blood had tasted…or how I had enjoyed the thrill of the kill. All I could do was stay in bed and wonder how I had let myself get to that point, how I could have let myself get so savage and bloodthirsty. I thought, over and over again, the ways in which I could have prevented that outcome.

By the end of the day, I had barely eaten or drank, just enough to stave off the hunger pangs. I just wanted to disappear, to hide from this new shame and self-hatred. I may have killed in self-defense, but that didn’t mean that I felt the murder was justified.

The next day was more of the same.

And the next.

And the next.

Even when Jeffrey returned to duty, my disposition did not improve, and Jeffrey could tell.

On the first day that he was back, I heard a light tap on my bedroom door, and when I rolled over in bed, I saw him leaning against the doorframe. I tried to smile at him, but what I mustered probably looked like more of a grimace.

“Hello, Jeffrey,” I said, my voice low.

“Good afternoon, Crystal,” he replied.

“Is everything all right?”

“That’s what I’m here to ask you.”

I sat up in bed and leaned against the headboard.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s almost 4 o’clock, and you’re still in bed. Also, Andrew says that you haven’t spoken to him since the attack.”

“That’s not true. I texted him—” I looked at my phone “—two days ago.”

Admittedly, even I was a bit surprised at how long ago that was.

Jeffrey arched a brow at me but said nothing.

“Okay, yes, I haven’t been talking to him as frequently as usual,” I said. “I’ve just been recovering, that’s all.”

I held my bandaged arm up for him to see.

“That bastard did take a chunk out of my arm, after all.”

Jeffrey chuckled.

“Well, I’m glad to see that you still have your sense of humor. I was worried…”

I waited for Jeffrey to finish his sentence, but he never did.

“What? What were you worried about?”

“Well, you took a life. That’s not easy for anyone—well, anyone with a conscience, that is.”

My eyes fell to the ground.

“I was worried that you might be beating yourself up over it,” he continued, “which would be understandable, if ridiculous.”

I glared at him.

“Why would it be ridiculous? I killed someone, Jeffrey. Why shouldn’t I beat myself up over something so morally reprehensible?”

Jeffrey sighed and rubbed his chin.

“Is it morally reprehensible when I do it?”

My eyes widened.

“You’ve done it?”

He nodded.

“In the line of duty, of course.”

I timidly asked, “Like…when?”

Jeffrey seemed to consider whether to say what he was going to say next.

“Andrew’s life has been in danger a few times,” he began. “Most of the time, the other guards and I can neutralize the threat without any loss of life. Other times…not so much.”

He stared off into the distance, as though lost in his memories.

“Once, there was a man who opened fire with a machinegun full of silver bullets in a mall that Andrew was campaigning at. None of us could approach him without getting shot ourselves, so we were given the order to take him out by any means possible. I happened to be the one who had the shot.”

“That’s tragic, but you had no choice,” I said. “Maybe I could have incapacitated Chevalier, or maybe if I had told Andrew about the break-in in the first place, this wouldn’t have even happened.”

Jeffrey’s mouth thinned into a flat line.

“Many would say that you didn’t have a choice either,” he argued, “but there was a time when I made a kill that I shouldn’t have.”

He took a deep breath, as though to compose himself.

“It was before I worked for Andrew, when I was working for a more minor diplomat. An activist came at her with a silver knife. I could have just tackled him, but it was my first attack, and I panicked, shooting him instead.

“He was pronounced dead at the hospital. The court ruled that it was self-defense and that I had just cause, but it has haunted me ever since. I suppose that it has made me a more attentive guard who makes better split-second choices, but I can never get that death off my conscience.”

Even though Jeffrey did not show any indication of it in his body language or facial expressions, I could tell that this death bothered him a lot. Perhaps he did know what I was going through…somewhat.

“Thank you, Jeffrey,” I said. “I’ll remember that.”

The next day, I sat up in bed, staring out my window as I thought about what Jeffrey had told me. He might have known what it was like to kill someone and feel guilty about it, but he didn’t understand the feral state I had been in when I killed Chevalier. It had been so deranged, so dangerous, so…uncontrollable.

The way I had killed him had been brutal, too. How could I just rip out someone else’s throat like that?

I could not even recognize the person—the beast—that I was in that moment, nor did I like who I was.

And I was certain that Andrew would not, either.

I was shaken out of these thoughts by a knock at my door. When I looked up, Andrew stood in the doorframe.

“Can I come in?” he asked.

I nodded and scooted over, patting the spot next to me on the bed.

Andrew took his seat next to me. I leaned my head on his shoulder, and he wrapped his arm around me.

“To what do I owe this visit?” I asked.

“You haven’t been answering my phone calls or texts. I wanted to make sure that you were okay, and Jeffrey told me that you weren’t doing so well.”

I sighed. Of course, Jeffrey had told him about our conversation. Andrew was his boss, after all.

“And let me guess, you’re here to tell me that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself?”

“No. I know that you’re going to be anyway.”

He stroked my hair.

“That’s how I am every time I do something that I’m not so proud of.”

I looked up at him with wide eyes. He stared off at the distance, much like Jeffrey had done the day before…much like I was sure I would someday if I ever told anyone about Chevalier.

“You don’t think less of me because of this?” My voice grew quiet. “You won’t leave me because of it?”

Andrew narrowed his eyes and shook his head.

“Of course not, my love. You did what you had to do.”

“But there were so many other options, and my wolf side, it made me—”

“Like it, I know.”

Andrew sighed.

“Trust me, I know. It’s one of the dangers of having a wolf side. We have animalistic instincts, too, and we need to learn to control them.”

“So…you’ve done things like this, too?”

He pursed his lips.

“I almost lost control at The Masque. Just remember that.”

I straightened up and kissed Andrew gently on the lips. He returned my kiss passionately, wrapping his other arm around me and pulling me in close.

“You know,” I said when I pulled away, “if you ever want to talk about your…incidents, I’m here for you.”

Andrew smiled slightly.

“And I’m here for you if you want to talk, my love.”

He kissed me again.

I stroked along his jawline.

“Come on,” I said. “Let’s get out of this bed. I really need a shower.”