Chapter 192

It had been a long time since I had seen Dr. Sherman. My issues were not under control by any means, but with everything going on in my life, I just did not seem to have the time for psychiatric appointments. Hiding from assassins and running my own business did not really allow me the opportunity for self-care.

The time had come to make time.

Only two days after my fight with Andrew, I found myself in Dr. Sherman’s office, lying down on her couch. At the beginning of the appointment, I had tried to insist that I could sit up, but Dr. Sherman could tell that something was making me really angry and thought that lying down would help me to relax. So far, it seemed to be working.

“It’s good to see you after so much time,” Dr. Sherman said. “What brings you back? How are you feeling?”

I lifted my hands and started flexing my fingers. I watched them, as though hypnotized by the movement.

“I’m…mad,” I said after a couple minutes passed. “I’m mad at myself, mostly, but also a bit at Andrew.”

Dr. Sherman made some notes on her pad.

“And why is that, do you think? What happened that made you mad?”

“I haven’t been able to protect myself.”

“Protect yourself from what?”

“From everything. So many people have been out to get me lately, and I haven’t been able to stop.”

“I’m sure that it isn’t as bad as you think. Do you think that some medication would help with your anxiety and paranoia—”

“No, I have literally been attacked by multiple people. Ask Andrew. Ask the police.”

My fingers froze mid-flex. My breathing quickened and grew shallow. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing, to force it to slow down and deepen, but I could feel that it wasn’t working.

“It’s okay, Crystal,” Dr. Sherman said in her soothing, neutral tone. “You’re among friends here. Nothing can hurt you here.”

Can’t it, though? I thought.

“That’s part of the problem,” I said. “I’m not safe anywhere.”

I took a deep, shuddering breath.

“I’ve been attacked in the worst possible ways everywhere you can imagine. I’ve even been attacked in my own home. And I am powerless to protect myself from these threats.”

My hands curled into fists.

“What is the point of being a ferocious werewolf—or even a hybrid—if I can’t protect myself bullets or fucking glass in my food?”

I blushed when I realized that I had started to yell.

“Sorry,” I said at normal volume. “I didn’t mean to get so…animated.”

Dr. Sherman scribbled some notes on her pad.

“It’s quite all right. It’s healthy for you to express your emotions. What you need to work on is when and how you express those emotions.”

She took more notes before turning her attention back to me.

“So, it seems that you are mad at yourself because you are unable to protect yourself from the dangers that keep bombarding you. Now, what does this have to do with Andrew?”

I furrowed my brow. Andrew had no idea that I was even at this appointment, so I obviously couldn’t give Dr. Sherman any details on the argument. However, I could give her a vague, general image of what happened.

“Well, I got mad at him after he told me that he did something to ensure that I would not be in danger from a certain threat anymore. In order to do this, he had to do something that compromised his morals and might get him into trouble.”

“And you feel that he shouldn’t have to go to so much trouble in order to keep you safe, especially if you should be able to protect yourself?”

I cringed. She knew me a little too well.

“Yes.”

“And so, you’re mad at him for going to all that effort and putting himself in a different kind of danger to get you out of danger? Is that correct?”

“Yes.”

Dr. Sherman made several lines of notes on her pad. I waited patiently for her to finish, but my patience was wearing thin as the scratching of the pen started to get on my nerves.

“But really, the person you’re mad at is yourself for not being able to protect yourself from these dangers and, thus, keep people like Andrew from having to put themselves in danger because they want to keep you safe? Am I right?”

I hesitated but eventually nodded.

“Yes, that sounds right.”

Dr. Sherman set down her pen and pad of paper. She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. She then set her hands, intertwined, on the desk and leaned forward, as though trying to get as close to me as she possibly could.

“Crystal, I’m going to speak to you honestly,” she began. “Sometimes, honesty hurts, but in cases like this one, it needs to be heard. Is that all right with you?”

I nodded. Deep in my stomach, though, butterflies began to flutter as I imagined what Dr. Sherman could possibly have to say to me that was any more “honest” than normal.

“You need to recognize that there is a lot in this world that you cannot control,” she continued. “That includes simple basics of life likes bills and taxes, but it also includes whether or not people are going to try to hurt you. You aren’t always going to be prepared for these situations.”

I turned my head to face her. When our eyes met, I could only see compassion in hers. Her words were genuine, and she was genuinely trying to help me.

“It sucks, I know, to be this fantastic beast, this animal of human legend, and to still have vulnerabilities, but we all do. We have a human side, after all. We can bleed, and so, we can be hurt, both physically and emotionally…we can be killed.”

I gulped at this revelation.

“We can do everything we can to prepare for these situations, and those who love us will do everything that they can to help us, like Andrew has done for you. In the end, though, we cannot control these situations, when they will happen and how. What we need to do is focus on what we can control.

“We can control our emotional reactions to these situations. We can also control whom we take these emotions out on. We can take responsibility for our actions and our emotions, no matter how painful it might seem.”

She didn’t have to hit me over the head with that message.

I needed to take ownership for how I behaved after receiving the news about Mr. Barone and apologize to Andrew.

“Thank you, Dr. Sherman,” I said as I sat up on the couch. “I think I know what I need to do now.”

“You’re welcome, Crystal.”

She smiled warmly at me.

“We have another half hour. Is there anything else that you would like to talk about?”

I shook my head, but I did not move to leave just yet.

Dr. Sherman sat back in her chair and picked up her pen and pad of paper.

“How are your flashbacks and nightmares?”