Chapter 4 This is not happening:

Laramie:

Ethan - Professor James, and the rest of the class just stared at me for, what felt like, ages. I could practically feel myself shrinking into my seat, colour and heat rushing to my face. I swallowed hard and licked my lips with the tip of my tongue.

Ethan's eyes wandered and settled on my mouth, he licked his own lips. Then, he blinked, cleared his throat, and began his lesson as if nothing was wrong - as if I was just another new face in his class and he didn't know me at all.

Slowly, the rest of the class stopped staring as well and turned their attention to Ethan.

The rest of the lecture went by in a sort of misty haze. Every now and then someone would look over at me, and then away again quickly when our eyes met, and whisper quietly with the person sitting next to them. I had never felt so uncomfortable and exposed in my entire life - I kept shifting in my seat, unable to find a position that made me feel slightly more hidden from all the curious stares.

Ethan, however, didn't look at me again after that. He kept his expression neutral, but there was something in his eyes: anger, regret maybe - I couldn't be sure.

But why would he be angry? I could understand him regretting what had happened between us because it certainly complicates things a little, but there was no reason, at least none that I could think of, for him to be angry.

I had no idea who he was, and he had no idea that I would be a student in his class. For all I knew, he was a grad-student working on his final thesis, or a teaching-aid for one of the professors. Never, in my wildest dreams, would I have guessed that he was a professor - I mean, who would have?

When the lecture finally ended, I took my time gathering my things and walking down the isle toward the door. I waited for the last of the students to leave before stepping up to his desk.

He was busy gathering some papers and didn't even bother to look up at me. I waited a few more seconds before clearing my throat a little awkwardly.

"I'm Laramie, by the way," he glanced at me, "I just thought you should at least know my name as well."

"You should have told me." His eyes still trained on the papers in front of him, his voice cold and distant.

"Excuse me?"

"You should have told me who you were." He finally set the papers down and turned to face me. I did not like the look in his eyes, or the thin line of his mouth.

"We didn't exactly spend a lot of time conversing. Remember?" I felt offended. It sounded like he was insinuating that I kept my identity from him on purpose. "Besides, it's not like you told me who you were either."

He just stared at me for the longest time, his eyes blazing with something I did not care to recognize.

"Do you have any idea how inappropriate this is, Laramie? I could lose my job if someone found out." His voice rose so that it filled the entire auditorium.

I took a deep settling breath. I didn't want to upset him, and I didn't want to fight with him either. Just being close to him again made my insides twist in a deliciously nervous way. I knew that a relationship with my professor was taboo, but I felt myself being drawn to him in a way that made no sense at all, and I wanted more.

"I know, and I'm sorry. But neither one of us knew," I took a step closer to him, "and how would anyone find out unless one of us says something. I won't. I promise."

"Don't kid yourself, Laramie. You saw the way everyone stared at you today. They all saw the way I was looking at you."

The tone of his voice and the look in his eyes made me wince internally. But still, I wanted to comfort him - I wanted to make him feel better.

"All they saw is a look shared between two people. And a look doesn't necessarily mean anything, Ethan. They might suspect, and they might gossip, but they don't know anything."

He turned toward his desk again and slammed his palms down onto it. "Fuck! This is such a mess!" His chest was heaving, a small vein pulsed at the base of his throat.

After a beat, I dared another step toward him and placed my hand on his desk only inches away from his - our fingers almost just touching.

"Look, I know that this complicates thing a little... but I don't care about that. What we shared yesterday was so much more than just sex. I know that it's not just me. You feel it too. And I would like to see you again. Outside of this class."

He didn't attempt to move his hand away from mine. He turned to look at me, and it seemed like he was considering my words. For a split-second, my heart fluttered with hope. But then he pulled his hand away.

"What happened between us was a mistake. One that I won't make again. I think it'll be better for the both of us to forget about it and pretend that it never happened."

It felt like I had been punched in the gut.

I opened my mouth to protest, but Ethan just threw up a palm to silence me, and without so much as a goodbye, he turned and walked away. Like I was nothing. No one.

The rest of the day went by in a blur. I attended all my classes, met a few people whose names I wouldn't remeber, ate lunch with my father, and finally collapsed on my bed when it was all over.

The tears I had been battling all day could finally fall freely. My heart felt like it had been yanked from my chest and stomped on. I curled myself into a tiny ball and hugged my knees to my chest. Sobs tearing through my body like they wanted to punish me for feeling the way I did.

Why was I so upset? Why did it bother me so much that he wanted nothing more to do with me?

I barely even knew the man. We had sex once. Sure, it was incredible, mind-blowing - soul-crushing sex, but still. Why was I so heart broken? It made no sense to me at all.

The only thing that I was absolutely sure of in that moment, was that college had suddenly lost its appeal...