Chapter 140

Charles flopped down on his bed, letting his arm cover his face. I sat meekly on the other side, acutely aware that I was the one who had caused all of the tensions in his family.

I didn’t like being a source of trouble, especially between family members. “Charles?” I started.

He drew two deep breaths before removing his arm from his face and looking over at me. “I’m sorry, Elena.”

“For what?” I asked.

“That you had to see us argue.”

“Then I have to be sorry, too. Because you are arguing over me.”

“It’s not just you,” he said. “It would be any woman I was with seriously. And my mother did not heed my warning to just mind her own business.”

He patted the bed beside him. “I want to know your heart,” he requested. “Don’t tell me what you think will spare my feelings. But I want to know how you truly feel about all of this.”

The truth slammed against the inside of my ribs, making my heart beat faster, and it slammed the inside of my skull, giving me a headache. This truth is what I should have been telling him the whole time, what I should have confided in him the moment doubts about having a baby had started itching at me.

“I meant what I said before,” I said quietly. “I’m not ready for a baby yet. I don’t want one because your mom says we have to have one. If we have a child, I want them to come because we’re ready to love another person. I don’t think that kind of pressure will make becoming parents enjoyable.”

He waited silently to see if I would continue.

“And then there’s everything that I listed before. There’s my career, and I don’t want to give it up. Jennifer was abundantly clear that I would have to. Even if we did have a baby, I like being a journalist. I like going out and reporting. Why do I have to give up an important piece of who I am just to become a good mother?”

“Add to that, I had very different expectations of a proposal and a wedding…” I looked at him. “But if you tell me it’s okay for me to be who I want and still be the mother of your children someday, then I’ll do whatever I need right now. Even squeeze in a wedding this weekend.”

“And if I don’t?” he asked.

My stomach dropped into my feet even though I was lying down. It slammed against the bottom of my soles, threatening to break free and go running from that implication. “I don’t know. I hadn’t thought about alternatives. That’s part of my problem. I haven’t thought about any of this. And now I don’t have time.”

I heaved a sigh. “If it had just been your mom insisting that we get married, fine. I could have taken that step. If she had put pressure on us to hurry up and have kids like most moms and mother-in-laws do, then I suppose I could accept that.”

“But she basically ordered us to breed—now.”

He nodded slowly. “I definitely don’t want to force you to do anything you’re not ready for.”

“Do you think I could still make the good wife of an alpha?” I asked meekly.

He turned his face towards me, kissing my forehead and drawing in a deep breath of my scent. “I think you’ll make an amazing mother,” he said. “And an amazing wife.”

I didn’t hear the words “of an alpha” attached to any of those statements. He didn’t say “my wife.” He didn’t say “the mother of my children.”

Tears burned at the back of my eyes, but I refused to let them out. I wasn’t going to let him see how much his family was hurting me because I could tell that that would not go over well with any of them.

The wife of an alpha needed to be strong like an alpha. But Charles and I could be close in other ways. I could get confirmation from him through touch, even if he couldn’t bring himself to say those specific words.

I slid my hands across his stomach, heading for his belt, but he caught my wrist, stopping my hand.

“I don’t think I can tonight,” he said. “It feels too much like I’m doing the wrong thing either way.”

“What do you mean? How could being with me be wrong?” I demanded.

“Because if I use a condom like you want me to, I feel like I’m betraying my mother and everything that my family expects of me. And if I insist that we do anything without a condom, then I’ve forced you into making a decision that I know your heart isn’t in right now.”

“Who knows,” he said dejectedly. “Maybe if you have time to think it over, you’ll change your mind. But tonight, that hasn’t happened, and I can’t make a choice between you or my family. Tonight, like I said, either way, I’m going to lose.”

I withdrew my hand and curled up next to him, laying my head on his shoulder. He ran his hand through my hair, disturbing my scent and breathing deeply.

Finally, he got up and said, “I’m getting ready for bed. I think we all need to sleep this off, then come at it with fresh perspective tomorrow.”

“Agreed.”

I got ready for bed, and Charles and I climbed in. I snuggled in next to him, ready to go to sleep side by side like we usually did, but he just gave my cheek a kiss and rolled so his back was to me.

A sob launched itself in my throat, threatening to break free. When Charles quietly scooted over to the far side of our king-size bed, the tears finally leaked out. I rolled and put my back to him and cried out my sorrows into my pillow.

The next few days were tedious. Charles put his foot down with his mother, telling her in no uncertain terms that she was going to give me time to think this over. She treated me rather coldly for the rest of the weekend.

Jennifer and her family tried their best to stay out of everyone’s way, taking many outings in the city without the rest of us. When the festival was finally over, Charles took the day off work to see his family back to the airport. Since I was still gathering information about the best places in the city according to locals, my schedule was basically my own.

I waited until Charles was out of the house, a plan solidifying. The air in the apartment was stifling me. I could hardly breathe, and I couldn’t stomach the thought of having to talk to Charles when he came home.

I didn’t have any answers, and all that waited for us was fresh tension. The thought made me sick to my stomach. I had to get out of the house. I had to be somewhere else.

Taking my suitcase out from under the bed, I loaded up as many of the clothes as I could stuff in there and zipped it shut. I grabbed my toiletries from the bathroom and rolled everything out by the front door.

It took me three tries before I managed to knock on the door between our apartment and Theo’s. The thought of asking him to accompany me while I left to find space to think wasn’t pleasant. Yet somehow, it was easier to deal with whatever disappointment he might have than to deal with the disappointment Charles was going to have when he came home.

After all, Theo might be a nice young man, but he was just my bodyguard. And in the end, he wasn’t a permanent fixture in my life, so I really didn’t care what he thought of me.

When I knocked, Theo answered. Thank goodness he was alone because David had already left with Charles. This way, I only had to explain myself to one person. And I didn’t have to worry about the truth getting back to Charles before I could act on what I needed to act on. I knew he would try to stop me from leaving.

I left him a note explaining why I needed space, begging him to give me the chance to think. I knew deep down that Charles would respect my wishes. He always seemed to, except when it came to choosing between his family and me.

And that was the core of the problem. I didn’t want him to have to choose between his family and me. That wasn’t a choice that any good girlfriend should ask of her man, and I couldn’t ask it of Charles.

I couldn’t be the reason that Soren and Emily didn’t see their uncle anymore. I couldn’t be the reason that the alpha line died with him. I couldn’t be the reason that he had a rift between his mother and him.

I had grown up without a family. I, of all people, knew how isolating it was not to have those people in your life. And I would never do that to Charles. In fact, I wasn’t even one hundred percent sure that I should be with Charles for those very reasons.