Chapter 139

“What makes you say that?” I ask.

“Do you have your laptop?” Cynthia replies. “I’m going to send you a video.”

Five minutes later, I have my laptop set up on the kitchen counter, the video Cynthia sent me running on a loop on the screen. In the video, Miles and Selena are discussing their engagement while seated together on the couch of a late night show.

“Do you see the distance between them?” Cynthia says. “Not a single part of them is touching, not even their elbows.”

“It’s a big couch,” I reason. “They could just like their space.”

“Look at their body language,” Cynthia says. “Selena is turned toward the late night show host. Her legs are crossed toward him. She’s gesturing expressively. Then, on the other side of her is Miles…”

While Selena is speaking animatedly with the talk show host, her back is half turned to Miles sitting on the couch. Meanwhile Miles, has his arms rigid, his hands resting on his knees. There is no mirror at all of body language between Miles and Selena.

“Maybe they had an argument or something,” I say. “That doesn’t mean they aren’t in a romantic or sexual relationship.”

“Have you listened to her story?” Cynthia asks. “Play it with audio. Listen. See if the person she describes is anything like the Miles we know.”

At Cynthia’s direction, I unmute the sound and listen. A sentence or two in, I immediately mute it again.

“She’s telling the story of their engagement. I really don’t want to hear that,” I say.

Cynthia doesn’t push. Instead she tries to make her point without me having to sit through the video.

“He proposed over the phone,” Cynthia says. “He asked her to pick out her own ring. All he did was cut a check – for her. He didn’t even go to the jewelers to help pick it out.”

Selena is telling the story like it’s a cute anecdote. Her laughter and cheer does seem genuine.

Would someone in a relationship truly be okay with such a standoff proposal from the man they presume to want to marry? Who wants to marry them?

“This isn’t an engagement for love,” Cynthia says. “The way the talk, the way they act. It seems more like a business transaction.”

None of this matters. At least, it shouldn’t.

“I’m with Hugo now,” I remind my friend and myself. My own foolish heart needs to hear that on repeat apparently, so we can continue trying to let go of Miles.

“Hugo’s great,” Cynthia says. “But aren’t you a little curious… Or concerned? Even just as Miles’s friend?”

No one should marry for anything other than love. After Garnar, I believe that even more firmly now than I did in the past.

“Maybe Selena meant you to reenter Miles’s life as a friend. Maybe she’s worried about him too,” Cynthia says. “Look at this man on this couch in this video. Does this seem like the bigger-than-life Miles we know? It’s already hurting him in the polls.”

Maybe Miles really does need a friend right now. Why does it have to be me though? Why do I need to fall on the sword of hurt? Why can’t I selfishly hide myself away and nurse the still-bleeding wounds on my heart?

I already know the answer. It’s because I care so deeply for Miles, even more than I do for myself.

“I’ll do the interview,” I tell Hugo and Kimberly as the three of us stand in Hugo’s office first thing the next morning.

“A solid choice,” Kimberly says, clearly pleased. “Your career will benefit. Even if it hurts for a minute, the long-term benefits will be greater.

I nod.

“Kimberly,” Hugo says. “I’d like to speak to Esther alone for a moment.”

“Very well,” Kimberly says. Without another word, she turns to the door and leaves, closing it carefully behind her.

Alone with Hugo, I deflate somewhat. The tough-as-nails reporter act is much easier to put on in front of Cynthia. But with Hugo, he can see straight through it.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” he asks me.

“It would be good for my career.”

“That’s not what I asked,” Hugo says. “Are you going to be alright?”

I want to lie to him. If I could throw a brave face on, I’d laugh and say something like, Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?

But Hugo has already seen me cry over Miles. He’s one of the few reasons I’ve been able to hold myself together after the breakup.

I don’t have to pretend around him. So I let my shoulders slump and I tell him honestly, “I have no idea. But I’m still determined to see this through. Not just because it’s my job, but also because Miles is my friend… Honestly, I’m a bit worried about him.”

Hugo nods solemnly. “He has been a bit more… reserved… as of late. An interview with you, where he could be more comfortable, might help restore him to his previous glory. As popular as he is, he’s still an underdog in this election, being so young. He can’t afford to have many bad appearances.”

It helps lift my spirits, knowing Hugo supports my choice. He said he would do so whatever I decided, but his reasoning helps me feel like I’ve made the right one.

“But his career can crash and burn for all I care,” Hugo says. Inching closer to me, he lifts his gaze to stare at me in my eyes. “You are the person I care for here. Your safety. Your spirit. Your heart.”

My heart melts a little, at the softness of his words. Without really meaning to, I inch closer to Hugo as well.

Hugo is such a good man, and he cares for me so much. I want to let him into my heart. He certainly deserves a space there.

But my heart is being consistently stubborn. Every time I try to make myself want Hugo, it’s always immediately followed up with how much I miss and want Miles.

I’m not giving up though. Hugo deserves my whole heart and I’m bound and determined to give it to him.

Miles had his chance and lost it. No matter what we tried, we couldn’t make things work with how they are.

In some other time and space, Miles and I could have made things work, probably. If he wasn’t running for president, and I wasn’t a reporter whose integrity could be questioned.

If we were closer in age.

If we could live a quiet, non-exciting life.

Hugo could offer me a state of steady calm. Yes, the world didn’t sparkle around Hugo, but even with Miles, those sparkles would have eventually faded. Even new, exciting love loses its shine after a while.

When I first met Garnar, I thought we had a special kind of love. It wasn’t until later that I peered through the shine I so desperately wanted to be there, and finally saw the real man Garnar is.

Hugo won’t change. He’ll always be calm and steady.

So, I inch closer. Hugo doesn’t back away. If anything, he starts to lean towards me.

His eyes drop down to my lips, and it feels like consent.

“Hugo…” I whisper, just to be sure.

Then, he clutches my upper arms, steps closer, and lowers his mouth to mine.