Chapter 145

“Miles isn’t here,” I say and immediately try to shut the door.

“Esther, please. I know Miles isn’t here.” Selena grabs the door before I can close it and pushes against it. I could still shut her out if I pushed hard enough, but I’m not sure I have that in me right now.

My disappointment at seeing Selena and not Miles standing there is immeasurable. Maybe it leads to my weakness.

“We’ve danced around this long enough,” Selena continues, insistent. “We need to just talk about this.”

I suppose, even when I talked to her before, I didn’t fully hear her out. “I don’t want to be in a polyamorous relationship,” I tell her. I’m not actively trying to close the door in her face anymore, but I’m still holding it firmly, halfway closed, to keep her from getting inside.

“Is that what you thought I was suggesting? It’s not. Esther, Miles doesn’t want me, and I don’t want him either.”

“Sure,” I say, not believing.

“The person he loves is you,” she says.

I need to close this door, shut her out just as I did Miles, and move on with my life. Maybe with Hugo at my side, maybe someone else. It doesn’t matter, really, so long as I move forward and not backward.

And yet…

When she says Miles loves me, it blooms wildflowers in my chest. Some of my pain is magically gone, just from those few simple words.

So, against my better judgement, I stop trying to hold the door closed, and I pull it open instead.

Selena stands on my porch, an exasperated look on her face. There’s a black SUV parked in my driveway with a security guard behind the wheel. Another has left the vehicle and stands at the end of the walkway to my house.

Sighing, I motion for Selena to come inside. Once she does, I keep the door open, expecting her security guard to follow her.

Selena shakes her head. “They’ll wait outside.”

The security guard outside of the car walks up to my front door but doesn’t enter. Instead, he turns his back. I close the door and face Selena.

She waits patiently for me at the edge of the entryway.

“Come in and sit down,” I say, leading her to the living room. “Can I get you something to drink?” I may not want this conversation to really happen, but I’ll be damned if I let myself become a bad host because of it.

“I’m fine. Thank you.”

She sits on one end of the couch and I sit on the far other side. We don’t look at each other, both facing the television screen which is turned off.

I place my hands on my knees. She relaxes a bit more, sinking back into the cushion and crossing her legs at the ankle.

“Miles and I are old friends,” she begins without prompting. “We met in college. I signed up for so many clubs, I was constantly on the grounds, trying to convince people to sign petitions. Admittedly, back then, I was more ambitious than reasonable. Not all of the causes I tried to support were particularly actionable…”

“I tried to stop Miles to support one such cause. He debated with me for a full half-hour. I was stubborn, but after a while, I couldn’t deny he had some good points. I ended up dropping that particular cause, but Miles, so impressed with my perseverance, decided to help me support another. We’ve been friends since…”

I don’t know that I particularly need their entire backstory, but I suppose it does help to hear it. This is more than they share with the public, whom they always tell, We met it school.

“We kept in touch over the years. We’re still good friends. But I can assure you 100% that I have no romantic or sexual inclinations toward the man…” She laughs as she says it. Glancing at me, she sobers somewhat. “I’m not trying to insult you. It’s great that you like him, but he’s not my type at all.”

I’m not offended, though it does seem strange. Miles is so handsome and charming, it’s difficult to believe that he’s not, at least in part, everyone’s type.

Maybe I’m just biased.

“He called me a couple weeks back, and said he needed a favor. He said, in return, I’d get lots of eyeballs on my causes, and likely rake in a fair share of contributions,” Selena continues. “I thought he meant some kind of political collaboration. Well, I suppose that’s exactly what he meant, really. Though I didn’t realize that would come in the form of a marriage proposal.”

I pull my hands up into my lap and stare down at my fingers. “I don’t think I need to hear this part.”

“You do,” Selena says. “This is the part, above all, that you do need to hear.”

She clears her throat. “Miles was panicked more than I’d ever seen him. This was just after those images of you hit the press. He said he had an idea of how to protect you, but he would need my help. In exchange, I would get those eyeballs and that cash. All I had to do was get engaged.”

“Wait. He meant to protect me?”

“He knew so long as he was single, it would cast suspicion on you,” Selena says. “By proposing to me and making it seem as if we’ve been secretly together for years, it pulls that suspicion away. I agreed to it for now. Esther, you have to know that we don’t have any intention of actually marrying each other.”

My mind goes carefully blank.

I can’t…

It’s not…

“Why didn’t he tell me any of this before?” I ask.

“He says that he tried to,” Selena says. “But he also said you have your reasons for not being able to hear him. He deeply regrets that he made you feel like this situation is in any way similar to your previous marriage. I can assure you that it’s not.”

“That’s not…” I try to think back to my previous meetings with Miles. Did he really try to tell me what was going on? Did I just not listen, because my own hurt was getting in the way?

I know the answer at once. Yes.

I pushed Miles away to protect myself from the hurt. I couldn’t comprehend that he was trying to protect me, not hurt me, with this marriage.

Miles is so far removed from the person that Garnar is. I should have known better. I should have heard him out.

But it’s all so confusing. Miles is still engaged. Fake or not, it’s still happening right now.

I would still need to be his other woman, a secret on the side.

It might be temporary. But I just… can’t.

When the engagement is officially over, then maybe…

But what about Hugo? Should I sacrifice a potentially healthy relationship for one where I would have to wait a long time, and then maybe I’d have another chance?

Who’s to say, that in that time, Miles wouldn’t find another person he loves?

Selena could say that Miles loves me, but our relationship has only ever been a friendship with benefits. Can I trust that would change?

There are too many questions. My brain and my heart are at odds over the answers.

“Will you consider being with him again?” Selena asks.

I don’t have an answer.