Chapter 45

It has been a very, very long first week of work. By the time 6pm rolls around, I’m ready crawl into a hot bath with a glass of red wine and a good book, and forget about life for a while.

But, as a mom, that desire gets placed on hold, because the first thing I both need and want to do is visit my daughters.

After gathering my things and leaving the office, I drive to the house and walk through the door. Iris and Violet are both sitting on the bottom stair, facing the door. When they see me, they bounce to their feet and come running.

“Mommy!”

I open my arms wide and we embrace in a three-person hug. Two pieces that have been missing from my heart immediately slot back into place.

“What would you like to do today?” I ask. “Do you want to play a board game?”

“How long are you going to stay?” Iris asks.

“As long as you want me to stay,” I tell her.

Violet hugs me tighter. “Stay forever.”

Just like that, my newly reshaped heart cracks right down the middle.

I gently pat Violet on the back. “You know I can’t, honey.”

“Why not?” comes her small voice, muffled against my shirt.

“Your father and I… are having some disagreements…” I say. “We don’t want to live together anymore.”

“But what about us…?” Violet asks.

Iris shushes her. “Don’t make Mom sad.”

“But I’m sad…” Violet says.

I’ve been selfish in leaving. I’ve tried to come back as often as I can, to visit the girls and let them know that I love them still and always will. I’d thought I was making up for my absence. But I can see now… it hasn’t been enough.

I look at Iris and see her unhappiness too, even though she’s not voicing it.

“Is your dad not taking care of you?” I ask her.

“He’s doing okay…” Iris says. “But…” She slumps her shoulders a little. “He doesn’t cut my sandwiches right. Or put an apple in my lunch…”

It’s the little things they miss. Not just my presence, but my attentive little touches to things…

Garnar loves his children, that’s never been a concern with me. I always knew he would try his best with them. But the fact remains that he works a lot. I was always the one home with the children, so I know them best.

I know the things they like and don’t like. When I left, I should have made a list or something, or… no. Maybe I shouldn’t have left at all.

“I’m sorry, Iris. I’m sorry, Violet,” I tell them. “I’m going to try to make this right.”

For the rest of the evening, I spend as much time with the girls as I can, and do as much as I can to make them laugh and keep them happy. I make them their favorite dinners and play their favorite games.

All the while, I wonder how I can fix this. Until the divorce, until the custody is decided, I need a better plan than what I’ve been doing.

Eventually, I make up my mind.

After the girls go to bed, I walk into the living room where Garnar is on the couch, drinking beer and watching television. Thea must have been busy tonight, she’s not around.

“Garnar,” I say.

“You still here?” Garnar drinks from his beer can. There are three empties on the coffee table. He’s a little tipsy then. I don’t know if that will make this easier or harder.

He doesn’t drink beer often, only when no one else is around. In front of others, even, I suspect, Thea, he opts for wine to hold up what he believes to be a more haughty appearance.

Gathering my courage, I press on, “I was speaking to the girls, and… I know they miss me. For their sake, I have a proposal that I would like to run by you…”

“You done abandoning your kids?” Garnar asks. He doesn’t look away from the screen.

“That’s not what I’ve been doing.”

Garnar shrugs. “Call a spade a spade, Esther.”

He’s baiting me, I can tell. I need to stay on target and not fall for his games.

“I’d like to move into the guest room for now,” I say, adding, “Until the divorce is finalized.”

The guest room, unlike the other bedrooms, is on the first floor, close to the kitchen and the front door. Staying there, I’d be mostly out of the way. I’d still be present for the girls, but Garnar and I wouldn’t have to communicate really. I’d even have my own bathroom.

“We can stay out of each other’s way,” I say. “It would only be for the sake of the girls.”

Garnar takes a long swig of his beer. Then he lowers it and laughs.

“I knew you’d come crawling back.”

“That is not what’s happening here,” I try to say, but he’s past the point of listening to me. Honestly, it’s a miracle he’s even heard as much as he did.

“Always crawling back…” He laughs again, then he finally turns to look at me. “I can’t just say yes. I have Thea’s feelings to consider.”

How kind. Considering Thea’s feelings when he never considered mine. But sure, whatever. Consider his mistresses feelings.

“I’ll have an answer for you next week,” he says.

I want to argue. The girls want me back home as soon as possible, but… next week is better than never.

“Fine,” I say. “I’m leaving now.”

Garnar doesn’t say anything more. He just keeps drinking and watching television.

That’s fine by me. I don’t want to talk to him anymore anyway.

On Monday, it’s back to work again. By now, I at least have the lay of the land, so I hurry to make the coffee before Lila can direct me to, then I wait patiently in her office for her to hand me any morning missives she wants delivered.

Sitting at her desk, Lila looks like hell. Her hair is tangled like she’s been pulling at it and there are deep stress lines on either side of her mouth.

I want to ask her if she’s okay, but I don’t feel like we have the kind of work relationship where personal questions would be welcome. For now, I keep my mouth shut.

It’s only after she curses and says aloud, “I can’t fucking believe this…” that I realize she wants me to ask.

So I do. “Is everything okay?”

“No,” Lila says. She looks up. “You haven’t heard.”

“Heard what?”

“About Miles Hamilton?”

My heartrate surges forward. Has something happened? Is he alright? “I haven’t heard,” I say, trying to stay calm, even as panic is clawing me from the inside out.

“All sources are all singing the same song,” Lila says. “Miles Hamilton is ready to give his first exclusive interview.”

He is? “Has Amber finally convinced him?”

“Amber?” Lila huffs a cruel, short laugh. “No, Esther. No one here has convinced him. Miles Hamilton is going to give an interview with our biggest rival.”

Time’s up for me then. Before I’ve even began, there goes my best chance to be taken seriously around here.

“I’m going to get that interview for us,” I say.

“It’s too late,” Lila tells me. “Besides…” She waves her hand at me. “I never actually expected you to be able to succeed.”

It hurts a little, hearing her say that, even though I already knew it was true.

It doesn’t matter. I’m not giving up.

“Until that interview actually happens, there’s hope,” I say.

“You’re out of your mind,” Lila says, blowing me off like usual.

“Don’t underestimate me,” I say, and leave the office.