Chapter 111

Adrian

Silence falls between Stella and I. Neither of us move or dare to speak. My vision turns glossy as tears well inside my eyes.

Stella looks away. She brings her hand to her face, wiping the skin beneath her eye. Oh, how I wish it was me to be the one to reach out and wipe away her tears for her.

“Adrian,” my name comes out of her mouth in a puff of air, slightly irritated and slightly bittersweet. “I can’t keep doing this.”

How can I even respond to that? Can she not imagine how this must be making me feel as well? She is not the only one who is going through something in this relationship, or lack thereof.

Stella stands and begins to round the table. I quickly get up and stop her in her path, reaching out to grab her elbow. She yanks her arm and takes a step back, looking up at me with tears in her eyes and an expression that reads nothing but anger and remorse.

“While I appreciate you trying to make an effort to make things better between us after you fucked everything up,” Stella’s voice is hoarse. She takes a moment to continue her silence, eyes looking everywhere but mind before they reconnect again, “but I want nothing to do with you.”

Her words are like a knife into my heart. I shake my head and look down at her, the tears now falling from my face, unable to stop them in their path.

“You couldn’t possibly mean that,” I breathe out, hanging onto every word, clinging to that last sliver of hope that there is still something there between us, that I am not crazy for holding onto a fantasy that she does not wish to live anymore.

“I do. I am so much happier now that you are out of my life. I am able to do all of the things that I want without feeling guilty or remorseful or feeling like I am doing something wrong,” Stella straightens her posture.

She fixes her gaze onto mine. It pierces into my head, making me feel so small in comparison. I swallow the lump that formed in my throat and I can feel my heart begin to slow its pace, acceptance flooding through my body.

“Is there…there has to be something I can do to make things up between us, right?” I ask, frantic to keep Stella in my life. “Please…what do I need to do to fix things?”

Stella does not immediately respond to me. She just stares at me, her eyes glossy under the dim lighting, her fists balled at her side. I step forward and close the distance between us.

“We can reconnect in a year,” she says.

“In a year?” I repeat, raising an eyebrow at her. What could a year possibly do for us other than push us away from one another.

“In a year, if you still want to reconnect, then I will allow us to. But right now? I do not need you. You are an unnecessary drama and weight that I do not need in my life,” Stella’s voice shakes.

My stomach plummets in my body. My skin goes cold and clammy and I am unable to wrap my head around her words. Denial is prominent in my head.

She couldn’t possibly mean that, right?

My feet are frozen in the ground. I can only stand there, helpless, and watch as Stella steps around me. Her shoulder brushes against my arm, and her eyes are trained at the ground. I watch her she walks away.

I forced my feet to follow her. My heart pounds inside my chest, the flashing lights of the networking event, adding to my desperation. Stella walked through the exit doors, and I follow like a lost puppy, helpless since she does not want to be in my life anymore.

Everything is in a haze. My mind is unable to comprehend a single thought. I do not know what I can do without her in my life, she has been an integral part whether we want to admit it or not.

“Why are you torturing me like this? How can you deal with the constant separation between us?” I ask.

Stella sharply turns around and looks up at me. Her mascara is smudged beneath her eyes, her tears now coming into fruition. I stepped forward and close the distance between us.

“ever since that day in the hospital,” I begin, my voice, breathless, and it reeks of desperation, but I do not care, “the day when Clara woke up… I have not been able to stop thinking about you. You have bewitched my mind and have been prominent in every single aspect of my life.”

My hands shake at my side. I remain cemented into the ground, looking down at the woman I love, holding onto that hope that she hears my words and realizes that she needs me as much as I need her.

Or maybe tonight will be the night I realize that I was completely delusional in my love for her and that I should let her go.

“I know that I am responsible for all of your issues and problems in your life and for that I am sorry. But please… Please don't force me out. I wish to know how you were doing, I want to know if there is anything that I can do for you now that we are away from each other.”

“Adrian…” Stella breathes out. She slightly shakes her head and I watch as she reaches up and begins to scratch the crook of her elbow. It is one of her many nervous tics that she has.

“I know that we are divorced and I know that you want nothing to do with me in your life,” I continue, “but I want you to know that you can come to me with anything. It does not matter if I am public enemy number one or the person you do not want to see. If all you need is a simple phone call to vent out your frustrations or to get a second opinion on something, then please use me.”

Silence falls between us once again. We sit in a standstill in front of the banquet hall. The music from the inside is muffled and there is an echo of laughter that wafts out every now and then.

“Do you know why I'm not around, Adrian?” Stella puts the question out into the air between us.

Do I wanna know the answer? Is it worth the trouble knowing that I truly am a nuisance in her life, somebody that she does not wish to see anymore?

Against my better judgment, I shake my head, allowing her to answer her own question.

“It's because I hate you,” Stella says. My heart drops. “you are a reminder of all of the pain and suffering that I went through. You are my husband. You should've been there for me and protected me instead of being the one to push me under the knife. My body is broken because of you. I hate you.”

“Is that true?” I ask, trying to buy as much time as possible, hoping that Stella would realize the weight to her words. “Do you truly hate me? Do you wish to never see me again?”