Chapter 119

Stella

My mind has officially reached its limit as I close my laptop screen, turning off the small computer as I reach my hands up to my face and rub my sore eyes. There's only so much I can do for the people who hire me to help out their website and companies. Admittedly, I am a little bit tired of constantly doing jobs that involve firewalls and strengthening somebody's security.

I am beginning to miss the thrill of hacking into an enemies website, to break in through their own walls and security precautions that they have taken. The life I used to live was one of excitement. Now, I am simply helping people stay safe instead of playing the villain, and another person story.

I suppose that it is okay, that there are worse things to be doing. I could have a target on my back like I did at the resort. People did come after me because I was able to break their security measures. The last thing that I need now is being kidnapped again or threatened.

A sigh leaves my lips. I reached out to the side of me and pick up my phone, turning it on just to see a missed call from Adrian.

My heart stops for a moment, skipping a beat. My cheeks heat up at the sight of his name. I never thought he would try to contact me after our bitter argument at the networking event but here we are and I have to say…I am not angry that he has reached out to me.

Should I call him back? Maybe it's something important, maybe he needs my help with something. There's always a chance that he is simply calling to make for sure that I am OK, maybe he is calling to see if he wants to have another conversation with me. The last time I checked, though, it has not been a year like we agreed.

Well, like I agreed to.

I sigh and set the phone back down onto the table in front of me. I placed it face down, so I do not have to see his name on my screen as the war inside my head continues to wage on.

I'm at a point in my life where I know I should be happy with the choices that I have made or have come to accept the consequences of my actions. My career is stable, even though it is a bit boring at times, and I have finally obtained the independence that I have wanted for my entire life. I have a good flow of money and a boyfriend who cares about me.

So… I should be happy right?

It is such a weird feeling to be in a state of limbo. It feels so foreign to be the person I so desperately wanted to become. I have a good relationship with my new family, the family. I should've been with this entire time, and I have finally been able to escape Clara and her parents in the monstrous crimes that they have committed against me.

Even with Adrian, I have set firm and clear boundaries and want nothing more than to move on from that part of my life, to get rid of the emotional baggage that came with Adrian and I’s marriage.

Sebastian's question still lingers in my mind too. He had asked me if I still had feelings for Adrian and I could not respond for the life of me. I wanted to respond, desperation on the inside of my chest, clawing to get out, but no words came out.

I think I need to come to terms with the fact that I will always hold some kind of affection towards my ex-husband. There will always and forever be a piece of me that belongs to Adrian and the life that we shared together. I also need to come to terms with the fact that I have closed that book, that part of my life.

Would it be pathetic of me to go crawling back to him? I know that he would welcome me with open arms, bringing me back into his tight embrace of his love and affection, but how would I feel?

I know, I know that it is selfish for me to think of only the way I feel in situations like this, but who else is going to look out for me if not for myself?

Maybe I need a sign. A sign from another worldly being, a religious God, maybe fate herself if she deemed me worthy of her attention. I need something outside of my mind and body to show me that the choices that I've made are the best ones that I could have chosen.

I reached out for my phone, swiping it from the table. I bring it close to my chest, closing my eyes as I take a deep breath. I open up the phone and move back to Adrian's contact.

My eyes connect with his name. On a subconscious level, I miss the comfort that Adriene once gave me. I know it is sick and twisted for me to think, that our relationship’s foundation was built on a contract, one out of necessity instead of love, but I miss the security that I felt with him.

My finger hovers over his name. It lowers before rising once again, toying with itself. I weigh all the options inside of my head.

Where is a friend when I need one? Adrian offered to be a friend to me, offering me solace and comfort, despite us constantly arguing back and forth with one another.

I know that on a subconscious level still hold feelings for Adrian. I know that whenever I see him in the next coming months, if I even see him, that my heart will still rapidly beat when he is around, and that my mind will wander to him and how he is doing.

I pull the phone away from my chest. I placed the phone on the coffee table in front of me and lean back into the couch, my eyes fixated on the illuminated screen in Adrian's name that is plastered across it. I close my eyes and slowly suck in a deep breath, filling my lungs with as much air as possible.

If there is any God out there, if mother nature is listening, or fate is eavesdropping in on my own thoughts, please show me a sign. Please show me a sign that I should call Adrian, that the decision I am about to make is one not of selfishness, but one that I desperately need to make.

I open my eyes and look down at the phone. Slowly, I reach out for it. Just as my fingertips are about to touch the phone, the screen goes black. I hesitate to grab it.

Suddenly, the screen lights up once again. This time, though, Sebastian's name and face flash across my screen, the phone vibrating against the wooden table.

I let out a quiet breath of air, my lungs squeezing in on themselves as they burn from lack of oxygen as I exhale. I take the phone from the table and bring it to my face.

So, this is my sign, isn't it? A sign that I need to continue to pull away from Adrian? It has to be, right?

I press the green button to accept Sebastian's call and bring the phone to my ear, forcing a fake smile across my face as I pretend to act like I am in a good mood, to mask my disappointment that it was Sebastian who called and not Adrian.