Chapter 121

Stella

My heart pounds on the inside of my chest. My hands grow clammy, my mind running a mile a minute, unsure as to why I am opening up so much to Adrian in this moment. My skin feels hot and cold all at the same time.

Maybe the reason I am opening up to Adrian is that it feels so easy. With him, I know that there are no expectations anymore. We have divorced and have separated, the distance between us having grown in the past couple of months, but now it feels like we are a pair of old friends finally reconnecting. It is a weird sensation.

It is not like this with Sebastian. With Sebastian, I feel as if I have to pretend that everything is okay all the time. If I were to tell him that anything was wrong, I fear that he would go out on a rampage to try and make things better for me when that is the last thing that I want to happen.

I do not want the attention of people staring at me, people always wondering what it is that they can do to help me feel better. I simply do not wish to be a burden onto them, somebody that they feel the need to help all the time just because they feel some semblance of pity towards me or an obligation as my partner.

With Adrian, I know that he will not judge me for the silliness of believing in fate and karma, and what life has planned out for me. Sebastian, on the other hand, would have laughed at me if I were to bring this up, since he is a man who has always believed in practicality over the unknown and uncertainty of life Sebastian makes his own odds, whereas with Adrian, he takes the punches that life throws at him.

I look up at Adrian, our eyes meeting. My heart swells on the inside of my chest. His green eyes look so vulnerable, as if he is hanging onto every single word that I am saying to him in this moment.

A sigh escapes my lips, my shoulder slightly slouching as they relax. My feet remain where they are, not making an effort to try and close a distance between Adrian and I.

“I know it is silly to depend on something as fate and mother nature and the unknown of what is going to happen. I know it is silly to believe in the idea that there is a power out there connecting us all together,” I admit with a breathy chuckle, scratching the back of my neck.

Adrian shakes his head, stepping forward. My heart skips a beat at his movement, my eyes flitting away for just a brief moment before coming back to him. He looks down at me, his hands and fingers flexing and tensing at his sides.

Does Adrian feel the same urge that I do? To reach out and close the small gap that sits between us, to connect our bodies in an embrace that only we can be a part of?

I clear my throat and look away, angling my body to face another part of my apartment instead of him and his burning gaze. I step away and walk deeper into my apartment, sliding my sweaty hands across the fabric of my pants to try and get them to dry, to give my body something to do other than focusing on Adrian who stands before me.

Adrian's fingers curl around my wrist, tugging me back to his side. I turn and look up at him, a small and quiet gasp, fleeing my lips from the movement. He looks down at me and casually brushes aside some stray hairs.

“I thought about you every single day after our divorce,” I admit to him, unable to hold back the words anymore. “My mind, won't allow me to think about anybody else, somebody who isn't you.”

Adrian gently brushes, his fingertips along the sides of my cheek. I shutter, chills, running down my spine from his touch. I fight the urge to give into it, to lean into his hand.

“I did not think it would be this hard to keep my distance from you,” I breathe out.

“You were good at it,” Adrian whispers, voice gentle, “it destroyed me…how well you were able to keep me out of your life.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I whisper and gently shake my head back and forth.

“Where does this leave us now?” Adrian asks, his question as bold as ever.

It makes me pause, hesitant to even respond in the first place. My heart stops beating and I find myself beginning to slowly retreat away from Adrian, to put more and more distance between us, to reject the silent pursuit he has towards me. He pulls me right back in though, our hands connected, fingers laced together.

We look down at our hands before looking back up at each other, our eyes meeting in a silent yet tense gaze. I swallow the lump in my throat, opening up my mouth to speak before Adrian shakes his head, silencing me.

“What if we learn to be friends?” Adrian asks. I tilt my head to the side, hanging onto every word. “We do not need to be lovers, but we can learn to be friends and support one another when we need it. Clearly life has us attached together with an invisible red string.”

“Do you believe that?” I ask, wanting to get to the bottom of his true intentions behind his words. “Or are you just trying to sell me on this idea so you can get back into my life as something more than just a friend?”

This is a bad idea. I know it. Adrian knows it.

How could he suggest such a thing? And yet here I am, wanting to give into him and to give into the idea of us being friends with no strings attached despite life keeping us so close together.

Adrian does not immediately respond. I hold back a small laugh, knowing that we would eventually find ourselves in a position such as this one.

See? I knew this would be a bad idea for us. Maybe we need to continue to be friends in the darkness, where nobody can see, silent supporters in each other’s story.

Adrian's grip loosen on my hand. I do not fight to take it back, to lace our fingers back together, allowing our hands to fall right back onto our sides where they belong. My skin misses the warmth of his body, and I find myself missing the butterflies that are wrapped to my stomach from his simple touch.

“Adrian,” I begin, tilting my head to look up at him. His green eyes fasten on mine, and I swallowed the lump that forms in my throat. “Do you really think that we can be friends? After all that we've been through?”

“No,” Adrian shakes his head and it is like he has driven a knife right through my heart all over again, “but I am willing to try if you are.”