Chapter 138

Stella

My mother was nice enough to take me to the mall to get my mind off of things. When I came home a crying mess, unable to take myself back to my apartment where I would be faced with the dreaded feeling of loneliness, she held me in her arms and helped me sleep throughout the night. I woke up with her at my side, and she suggested that a little retail therapy could help me take my mind off of what is bothering me.

As I slowly step through the aisles of the expensive store. My fingers trail along the fabric of the clothes, the vibrant colors bringing me no sense of relief for the pain that I feel in my chest.

In the spot where my heart once was is now hollow. There is nothing inside the empty space in my chest, avoid that I am not sure that I want to fill quite yet. The spot remains empty, and I am sure that it will remain empty for an even longer time, nothing being able to fill in the space of my regret.

A piece of my mind wishes to relish in the drama that I have brought onto myself. Perhaps I should torture myself with the idea of living in misery, allowing it to swallow me whole as I make my way through the clothing store.

I stare at the racks of clothes, the colors no longer speaking to me nor do they look like the vibrant color they want were. Everything has lost all of its color, a shell of itself as I walk through the store. My mother attach herself to my side, her hands gently easing onto my shoulders, despite my reluctance to feel him touch.

I do not deserve to be comforted, especially not in this moment, but there is something about a mother's love that makes me accept her touch.

“Is your mind being loud again? Should we go get something to eat or drink to distract yourself?” her concern for me is quiet yet loud in my ear, the defining sound making me feel so sad that I have to rely on my mother for a semblance of happiness.

My mother immediately notices my slouched shoulders, the way I hunch over as tears begin to overtake my eyes once again. She wraps her arms around my body and pulls me close, tucking my face away into her neck, so I do not have to look at the outside world.

“Oh, Stella,” she sighs into my ear. She kisses the top of my head before squeezing me, hoping that her contact brings me some sort of comfort. “Do you want to talk about it? We can leave and go someplace quiet, if you like.”

“No,” I shake my head and pull away from her body. I offer her a weak smile before it immediately disappears, turning to look at the rows of clothes. “I do not want to think about it. I don’t want to dwell on it longer than I need to.”

“Okay,” she says with a quiet nod, fulfilling my wish of silence.

She links our arms together, tugging me down the aisle. I do not fight against her touch, allowing her to set me down at a pair of benches just outside the stores entrance. I look up at her, the shopping bags being placed on the ground beside her, filled with luxurious items and goods that she wished to spoiled me with.

Looking up at her, I feel so small. I feel like a little girl who needs her mother's comfort in our time of need. I never knew what motherly love truly felt like, always fighting. I never winning war against my parents back home…in my old home.

“Stella,” she sighs, “I know that we have been separated for the entirety of your life. I know that we truly have just met each other and are forced to live with the fact that we will never get the time together that we deserved.”

I suck in a breath, unsure if her words are meant to bring me a calm, serenity, or if I am supposed to feel saddened by the fact that we were ripped away from each other when I was just a baby.

“if there is one thing I need to get through to you now, as your mother, it is the fact that you have to be able to let things go. You need to learn how to come to terms with the bad decisions that you have made — this is not me saying that you've made a bad decision, by the way — but you need to let go of your emotions in grievances instead of holding them in because at the end of the day…it will kill your soul,” my mother sits beside me.

She takes my hands into her own. I looked down at the sight, tears well in my eyes. I feel so loved in this moment, so taken care of. I feel as if I can let my guard down for just a brief second, to let myself breathe and to realize that I am alive and that there is so much to live for.

“What would you do if somebody you care for is making a bad decision?” I quietly ask, my eyes meeting hers.

She simply shrugs in response. I swallowed a lump in my throat and follow her gaze, looking upon a young daughter and mother, as they walk down the walkway together.

“I would say that it is not your mistake to fix. People have to face the consequences of their actions, even though you want to interfere and stop them. Trust me, I know what that feeling is like…to feel so helpless,” she frowns, turning back to me.

“You do?” I ask, my interest piqued. She nods and offers me a kind smile, one that is both knowing and warm, holding all of the love she has for me in the simple and kind gesture.

“Yes,” she nods, “I have made my own fair share of mistakes but I moved on from them. You live and you learn, Stella…even if it is a mistake that one cannot come back from.”

I sit on her words, allowing them to brew inside my mind. There's truth to her words, yes, that much I know to be true. Still, there is a lingering feeling of desperation to run after Adrian, to stop him from walking down the aisle. To stop him from receiving Clara as his wife instead of somebody else, somebody who truly does deserve him.

I wipe away the tear that falls from my cheek. Oh, how I wish that I could let in my mother, to let her see the burning flames of my future with my ex ex-husband.

How can I tell my mother that I cannot allow myself to come to peace with Adrian leaving my life? That there will always be a part of me that belongs to him? That I am forced to sit back and watch the man I used to love — that I still hold love for — destroy his life with one stupid mistake?

“I don’t know, mom,” I breathe out, my chest feeling tight all over again. “This feels like something that he may never come back from…it will ruin him—”

“Stella?” the voice sends chills down my spine, my body immediately tensing. “Is that really you?”