Chapter 37

Nan’s POV

A cold war had broken out in the house.

Weeks had passed since our kiss. We could barely stand to be in the same room as each other. I tried not to speak to him unless I had no choice.

If he walked into a room I was in, I would try and find an excuse to exit. I knew he must have been doing the same. My emotional state is in shambles.

The pain in my chest is back tenfold. Some nights I just want to lay in bed and cry. Others had me subconsciously walking in the direction of Lionel’s office.

To apologize…to finish our fight…I do not know. I feel crazed. Even David’s mercenary breaking up and stealing my best friend had not made me feel this much.

But I will not apologize. Not first. Not this time.

And it seems that neither will Lionel. In this, perhaps our matching stubbornness is not for the best. But I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

Dinner with the girls is awkward. I am all too aware of Lionel’s presence. We do not talk or look at each other more than necessary.

“Vera, I saw you got an 89 on your reading homework. That’s great!” I encourage.

Lionel says, “You’ve been doing well in your reading class lately. Maybe I’ll get you a little reward for how hard you’ve been working.”

Most conversations go like this lately. Talking to the girls. Commenting on something the other said without acknowledging the other ever spoke.

Vera keeps looking back and forth between Lionel and I. I see the question in her eyes. I know they sense the tension between Lionel and me.

I brace myself, dreading having to answer. But Vera stays silent. Her chocolate-colored eyes attempt to subtly shoot Patti as look.

But Patti’s attention is strictly on me. Her own toffee colored gaze is more serious than usual. Observing me.

Both their eyes are so like Lionel’s yet somehow a shade all their own. I try and smile at the girls as best as I can in this circumstance. Vera finally answers Lionel.

“Uh…yeah Dad, I’d like it.” But there is no enthusiasm for it.

The rest of dinner passes similarly. Lionel and I trying to interact normally with them and the girls not being willing to engage. ‘No, it can’t go on this way…’

I can feel Lionel’s stare when he thinks I do not notice. The weight behind it forces the physical distance between us at the table to the front of my mind. I am alert to every shift of his body.

I look at the window across from me. I see all of us reflected in it. I see Lionel.

He sits to the left of me. At the head of the table. The girls are seated across from me with their backs to the window.

His eyes are trained on me. He runs his hand across the lower half of his face. I can see the heat in his eyes even from the distorted view of the glass.

‘He can’t forget our kiss either,’ I realize breathlessly. It’s a punch to my ribs.

Did he wonder how it would have been if we had gone further? Did he feel that same passionate spark? These questions ate at me hungrily.

“Dad, can we go shopping?” Vera asks suddenly.

“Sure, we can make it a daddy-daughter day.” Lionel suggests.

“I have homework. You can just take Vera.” Patti speaks up for the first time.

“Oh. If you want, we can go shopping tomorrow and I can stay to help-”

“No thank you. I want Mom’s help.” She interrupts.

“Oh. Okay, if that’s what you want.” I wince and try to pretend not to hear the slight hurt in Lionel’s voice.

“You guys go ahead. Patti and I will pick up.” I offer.

For the first time in weeks, I look directly at Lionel. His cold mask is firmly in place. But I can see the unhappy twist of his mouth.

We watch each other for a moment. Heavy, unspoken words lingering. Both waiting for a sign of surrender.

Then he inhales sharply. Nods at me and takes Vera’s hand. And with that Patti and I are left alone.

An unnoticeable, soft breath escapes me. One I had not noticed I’d been holding in anticipation. I gather the dishes up and take them to the kitchen.

I rinse the dirty plates and get the wash water ready with age old familiarity. Patti follows me quietly. Taking her place at my side as she always has when wanting to help me.

My face softens. “I wash, you dry?” I ask.

She nods, but does not smile. Her little fingers reach for a dry dish towel. Waiting.

‘This is not like her,’ I note. Seeing her warm, happy little face so withdrawn is breaking my heart. I have an opportunity to find out the cause now that it is just the two of us.

“So Patti cake, what’s got you so down?” I tack on her favorite nickname. Then hand her a clean dish.

She shrugs. Dries the plate in little circles. Just the way I taught her.

“I’m your mother. I know something’s not right with you, baby girl.”

“I’m not the one that’s sad, mommy.” She replies simply.

I swallow. “What do you mean?”

“You and dad are acting weird. And you look really sad, mom. I don’t like it.”

I stop what I am doing and bend down to look her in her eyes. “I’m so sorry that you saw that. I did not mean for you to see it.”

She frowns. “But mom, that doesn’t make me sad. I just don’t like you being sad.”

I explain, “Sometimes grown up’s just get upset. I’ll be fine, I promise.”

“But mom! I want to help! Please, how do I stop you being sad?”

I hug her to me. Place a kiss to her forehead. “It’s nothing for kids to worry about, Patti cake.”

She hugs me back. I rub little circles on her back, intending to soothe her. She lets her head fall and rest on my chest.

‘My heartbeat has always made her feel comfortable and safe,’ I think. ‘Ever since she was a little baby.’

I enjoy this tender hug for a little longer. Memorizing it. I will want to remember it all when I must leave…

Patti pulls away first. There is a little curiosity in her face now. “Mom, is Aunt Kay still out of reach?”

I’m confused by her change in topic. “Yes, she’s still on her sabbatical. I can’t contact her until she gives the okay.”

Patti’s eyes narrow. Then widen with thought. “Mom, I know when I’m not happy, I go to Vera. Why don’t you call Aunt Dena?”

I freeze. Dena? I had not thought of her in months.

“Your Aunt Dena and I aren’t really…” I trail off. How do I explain estrangement to a 5 year old?

“You should call her. She’s your big sister, so it’s her job to cheer you up. Like Vera does me.”

I say, “Sure. I’ll give it a try.” The thought makes me nervous.

Patti is content after that. Her idea tumbles around in my brain as I help her with homework, and as she goes to play before bed. I consider and angst over it.

Dena and I have issues. Issues that ended in over a year long estrangement between us. Dena has no clue about the way my life has changed recently.

But who else could I talk to about this? Kay is not available, and she has a bad habit of being more idealistic than realistic. If anyone might have good advice, it would be Dena…

Biting the bullet, I pull out my phone and dial the number I had not used in over a year. I am so nervous. What if she does not answer?

It rings and rings. Long enough to make me doubt myself. To remember that this is a new number that she might not recognize.

‘It’s going to go to voicemail.’ I think. I am just about to give up when I hear a husky female voice.

“Hello?”