Chapter 43

Nan’s POV

I must be dying.

It must be the only explanation for feeling this bad. I’ve been sick before. But never like this.

I know logically that the room is warm. My blankets are sticky and wet from sweat. There is no cold air blowing directly on me.

But I can’t stop my shivering. The muscles in my arms and legs tremble despite my efforts to stop it. It’s painful.

I try to burrow deeper into my blankets. Not able to stand the cold permeating my body. But it is not enough.

The wet, scratchy rag on my face feel pleasant for only a moment. But then the cool sensation fades as my temperature spikes. ‘Not a good sign, Nan,’ my mind whispers.

I might have been worried at my obvious fever if I had enough energy to speak. But even that is lost to me. I just want to sleep.

I can’t open my eyes or speak as my body pulls me down for slumber. But I can’t sleep either. The hot pain radiating down my arms and achy muscles don’t let me.

It is an uncomfortable purgatory. I am stuck between sleep and wakefulness. The kind that only happens when one is very sick.

I am only faintly aware of movement beside me. A familiar voice speaking lowly to someone. I recognize Lionel’s smooth tone even from this twilight zone.

“You’re burning up. We need to get you cooled down.” He gently changes out my damp rag for a fresh one.

It only brings momentary relief. I feel the gentle brush of his hands against my cheeks. So caring.

But for once my heart does not take comfort at his presence. My mind is caught in torment at the memory of his face above the water. Watching me drown.

‘How could he just stand there and watch?’ I think. Did I mean so little to him after an argument?

It brings to light doubts that have been festering in the back of my thoughts. My mind whispers something I had tried so hard to suppress: ‘How could he have allowed any of that to happen?’

Some part of me is aware this is not fair to Lionel. He had never asked me to put him in the role of my knight in shining armor. But I can’t bring myself to care about fairness as I try to get ahold of myself.

When had the world been fair to me?

I had tried to bear everything with as much grace as I could. I did what was best for Patti despite my breaking heart. I had tolerated the disrespect and abuse from every rich bastard around me.

But I am not made of stone. Their words hurt. There is only so much I could take before it became too much.

Unwanted recollections of it popped into my head.

“You are just a nanny…”

“Once Lionel finds out that you're just a lowly wolf-less, he will never choose you.”

“Can’t expect trash like you to know about anything other than the gutter.”

“You are not, nor will you ever be welcome in our world. Lionel will not ever accept you as a mate…you will never belong here.”

“…you will never belong here…”

It all played in my mind. All the different way various people had made it clear how hated I am. How unwelcome my existence is.

The stones of condemnation weighed me down with each contemptuous glare. My stress level rose unintentionally after each evidence of it. My own emotional turmoil with Lionel did not help.

This latest attack just pushed me off a cliff. The body can only take so much stress before it breaks. My breaking point had been a long time coming.

My drossiness finally wins over my sore body. I am able to drift off into sleep. But I find no peace there either.

“Rodrick, I just don’t know how to deal with…that.” My mom’s voice reaches my ears.

I am back in my old home. Once again seven years old. Listening at the door.

“I don’t know what you want from me, Dehlia. You think I’m any happier about this than you?” Dad angrily replies.

“We can’t keep doing this. Think of Dena and Kay. Dena has already been threatened with explosion for fighting.”

Dena is in her room. Grounded for beating up a few older girls. Kay has been sent to her friends for the night.

‘Nobody hates Kay,’ I think glumly. Kay’s easy-going personality, friendly sky-blue eyes, and pretty curly red hair made everyone want to be her friend.

Dena’s calm attitude and intellect made people respect and look up to her. My parents always bragged about their two eldest daughters. On the other hand, there is me.

“I know, I know. But what are we supposed to do? Tell Dena to let others threaten and beat up her baby sister?”

“Of course not! But she can’t attack everyone who says something mean to Nan. Nan has to learn how to toughen up.” Mom growls.

I held back angry tears. People always say mean things. But it’s never just mean words…

“They tried to fucking drown our daughter today! If Dena had not been there, those kids would have killed her.” Dad snarls back.

I wince. Now traumatized. ‘I will not get in the water again,’ I swear.

“I KNOW.” Mom shouts. There is a pause.

I can see her head drop to her hands. Her shoulders shake. I feel guilty.

‘Mom’s crying because of me.’ I think. Dad puts his arm around her.

“Do you know what she told me? The kids said that she deserves it. That her inner wolf is so weak that she should have been drowned at birth.”

Dad sucks in a breath. But Mom continues. “Rodrick, if they ever found out she was wolf-less…”

Dad does not speak. I am tempted to sneak away so I don’t get caught. But then Mom says something that shocks me to my core.

“Sometimes I think that if I had known she would be born like this. I might have ended her suffering myself. Before I got attached. It would have spared her so much pain.”

‘Mom…am I such a bad daughter? You wish I had never been born?’

“Dehlia! Don’t say that!” But Dad’s voice has become an echo. I am no longer a seven year old listening to my parents discuss my death.

I am now outside of the mansion. My daughters are nowhere to be seen. I am on my knees.

Lionel stands above me. Stoic and immovable. Glaring down at me.

“A wolf-less mutt like you dares to come into my home?” He sneers at me.

I try to speak. But I can’t. My mouth is held shut.

“Did you think I would ever fall in love with someone like you? Your own parents don’t even think you should have lived.” He throws at me.

‘NO! Please Lionel, please.’ I try to scream. But I can’t make a sound.

“You’ve lied to me from the moment we met. You teased me and tried to be with me. But then you have the audacity to give my token of affection to another man?”

‘I didn’t do it! Why won’t you believe me?’ I weep.

But my silent cries fall to deaf ears. “You will never see Patti or Vera again. You are not worthy to be her mother.”

And he walks away. I can see my daughters smiling at him from the doorway of the mansion. I run after him. But no matter how fast I run, I can’t reach them.

He gets further and further away. He reaches their side. And then the ground beneath me falls away.

I am in the pool again. Gasping for air. Hands reach above me.

Praying someone will save me. Anyone. Dena…Lionel…

But no one is coming to save me this time. When I look up, I see faces above me. Lionel…the girls…my parents…Dena…Kay…Cora…Joseph…

They all stand there silently. Faces impassive and eyes emotionless. Watching me drown.

‘Waiting for me to die,’ I realize hopelessly.

Why am I fighting to survive for a world that says I should not live? Had I not earned my rest?

So I stop fighting. Letting the water take me. Let the darkness win.

But then a voice pulls me out.