Chapter 47

Nan’s POV

The moment had arrived.

The moment I had been dreading since I first realized that I wanted to stay. My shameful secret. I had imagined dozens of scenarios of this.

All of which had played on repeat in my nightmares. I had thought the worst of it had come true at his mother’s birthday party. Revealed against my will, surrounded by people who already despise me…unable to run away or defend myself.

I had been so relieved later when I found that no one believed her. I had thought my secret was safe. That I could get away unscathed until the contract deadline was up.

This is not anything like I had pictured, not anything close to it. I knew there was a chance Lionel might come to suspect me. He is quite intelligent, after all.

But to have Lionel ask me point blank….

I am conflicted. One hand, his private confrontation gives me the advantage. An opportunity to control the narrative.

A chance I did not take into account in my predictions. I had never imagined that he would simply ask me. That he would trust me enough to just tell him the truth.

I can see the vulnerability hidden in the furrow of his brow. He will believe anything I tell him. ‘He genuinely trusts in me,’ I realize.

It is humbling. I want to tell him my story. I want to take this leap of faith and return his trust.

But on the other hand….

Experience has taught me better. Most have rejected me by thinking I am a weak wolf. I can’t imagine what I would endure if it were common knowledge that I am wolf-less.

The wolf-less are cursed, they say. The Moon goddess has abandoned us. That is the general consensus.

If weak wolves from mixed bloodlines are considered nuisances…wolf-less are thought unnatural. Less than worthless.

I have no idea what Lionel thinks about the wolf-less. Everything I have come to love about him makes me think that maybe he will not react negatively. Or so I hope.

I hesitate. Unsure how to answer. Torn between my emotions and my caution.

Lionel misreads the look on my face. “Nan, I promise I will believe you.” He says reassuringly.

I smile unenthusiastically. “I know.” I respond.

Do I reveal my secret? Do I take the risk?

To buy myself some time, I make a request. “May I sit down? This is a…sensitive subject.”

He does not verbally respond at first. He takes in my body language. The nervous twitch of my mouth and my sudden inability to meet his eyes head on.

He comes around the desk to pull out a chair. “Of course you can. Please, sit.”

I sit. He pushes the chair in for me. ‘Like a true gentleman,’ My thoughts are as flustered as I feel.

This considerate gesture only makes my inner debate worse. I feel pleased by his considerate actions towards me. I feel disgusted at my own confusion.

‘Can I bear to quarrel with him if he rejects me?’ I contemplate with the seriousness this deserves. We have only gotten back to normal after weeks of a cold war between us. And we appear to be gaining something even better than we had before in our budding relationship.

Yet lying does not seem right either. If I chose to lie now when he was giving me the chance to come clean…what might the aftermath be if he finds out later?

I am pulled in both directions like a game of tug-a-tope. But my time to decide is running out. I see this as his frown deepens as the seconds drag by without my answer.

‘I must answer whether I am ready or not,’ I resolve myself. My mouth opens. I have no idea what decision I have made.

The choice is made only as I actually speak. “No, she was lying.” The lie came out without my full consent.

He does not visibly react. “Okay.” His tone is neutral…carefully concealing any outward displays of emotions from my inquisitive ears.

But my intuition warns me that he is not quite satisfied with that answer. I have learned to trust this instinct. So, I daringly press further.

“It’s been a few days since the party. What prompted you to ask now?” I quiz him.

He gives me a slight guilty shrug. “It made me think back on a few things I noticed about you.”

‘That’s not good news for me,’ I inwardly cringe. “Like what?”

“Well, you don’t react like most wolves. You never flash your eyes or claws when you’re clearly upset. Your senses don’t seem to be as…keen as other wolves around you.”

“Keen?”

“You don’t react like other wolves to the scents they release. You don’t react like most wolves most of the time…” He remarks hesitantly.

‘Damn it,’ I silently swear. Maybe I should have just told him the truth…but the lie is already out there. I must stick to it now.

“I do have a wolf. I’m just not a particularly strong one.” I blurt out.

He tilts his head. “Oh…that’s…” He does not elaborate further, clearly not knowing what to say to that.

“It’s embarrassing, so I hide it. That’s my secret. You saw her, Cora is crazy and just made-up nonsense to slander me.”

I laugh nervously. As if sharing a great burden. As if I did not just tighten my own noose.

Lionel nods thoughtfully. “Thank you for telling me, Nan. I’ll protect you and your secret.”

A bubbly softness fills me at that declaration. ‘I’ll protect you…’ A toothy smile breaks out from me.

Then my little bubble of contentment is popped.

“I appreciate your honesty. It is a relief to hear to know.” Lionel comments.

My smile freezes. ‘A relief?’ My mind latches onto the word.

“It’s a relief that I have…a weak wolf.” I enunciate slowly.

“It’s not ideal. But it’s preferable over the alternative.” Lionel clarifies.

Dread trickles in. ‘The alternative…of me being wolf-less.’ I think forebodingly. Anxious about the implications of that.

Did that mean that I was correct to lie to Lionel?

I do not want to believe that. But trepidation had begun to sink in. The conversation now steered toward dangerous waters once more.

It suddenly feels prudent that I dig further. Uncover the true meaning of Lionel words. Perhaps I am making mountains out of molehills.

I had been wrong before about Lionel’s intentions. Weeks of unnecessary heartache had occurred from our previous miscommunication. Despite my growing misgivings, surely continuing forward would ease my concerns.

“The alternative?” I ask with purposeful obliviousness.

Lionel snorts. “It’s not hard to guess. Best not mention it.”

A cold sweat breaks out at the base of my neck. The room suddenly feels too warm. I have the powerful urge to turn away and pretend this never happened.

But I am determined to confirm my suspicions. Though I struggle to remain neutral. I put my shaking hands behind my back.

“I guess so.” I say.

I lick my lips as I think of how-to word what I want to say. Lionel’s attentive eyes at that movement register distantly. My body is already fine-tuned to everything Lionel does.

“I realized just now…I don’t really know your thoughts on a lot of subjects. I would like to know more about you.” I claim.

His expression softens. “That’s true. There’s a lot we haven’t discussed before.”

‘Because we are on different spectrums of status,’ is the unspoken half of that sentence. We both know it.

“What would you like to know?” He offers.

It is the opening to which I have been leading. ‘Be brave, Nan,’ I tell myself. It’s time to find out Lionel’s real thoughts about me…about what I am.

“Well, since we are on the subject…what’s your opinion on the wolf-less?”

The question is out there. Hanging in the air between us. Two forks lay in the path before us now.

It is all up to Lionel at this point. I dread his answer. I hope for his response.

Lionel’s face is unreadable. Expression blank as he considers the question. Eyes focused on some point behind me while he thinks.

‘Please…please...’ I cross my fingers.

His mocha eyes meet my own. Resolved. I hope my conflict is shining through.

He opens his mouth to speak….