Chapter 88

Lionel’s POV

Irina took up much of my time in the next few days.

She needed constant reassurance. Her round the clock care was my only consolation. I often left my vacation house feeling tired and emotionally drained.

Talking with Irina about the past was a double-edged sword.

It reminded me of simpler times. Before all of the fights and cold silences. The infidelity and indifference.

It also brought all of that negativity to the surface. Like I was being sucked back into a negative vortex. My previous depression looming at the edges.

I did not notice Nan’s distance…at first.

I thought that she was simply being her considerate self. Allowing me the time to take care of business. But it soon became obvious that it was more than that.

It was hard to pinpoint in the beginning.

It wasn’t like the previous times I had been iced out. Her same kindness and playfulness was there. She still talked to me when we were in the same room.

The first indication was the lack of time we spent together alone. I was never too tired to court her. I did my best to try and arrange our date nights.

Nan always found excuses not to attend them. She did not lie when I confronted her. But I sensed a reluctance in her to be around me.

The next indication was the distant look in her eyes when she thought I was not looking. As thought a sadness had sunk into her bones. Slowing that brilliant woman down only when no eyes were upon her.

That was a subject I had yet to broach. I knew Nan had experienced many disappointments. Too many things that I was still learning about her.

My hurt and frustration quietly built as the next few days wore on.

It was time to confront her. I did not see another way to move forward. I just did not expect it to get out of hand so quickly.

“Katya has nothing to do with this!” I snarl.

“She has everything to do with this! You have her sister in your guest house. But you can’t even bring yourself to talk about her.”

Nan’s call out has me recoiling. Her criticism hits its mark. Something I don’t want to examine too closely.

“This conversation is done.” I decide. I begin to walk away.

Unable to handle Nan’s scrutiny.

I hear her groan. “Lionel, you will have to talk about this eventually. Or it will keep hurting you.”

All previous irritation gone from her voice. Leaving only a bruising tenderness. Too soft for me to handle at that moment.

I don’t sleep well that night. I toss and turn as my mind refused to let her words go. It is well into the night when I finally realize the true reason for Nan’s ire.

‘Or it will keep hurting you…’ The sentence echoes within me. The worry I had not noticed in our argument finally dawning on me.

I had spent so long just trying to protect Nan. But somehow, I always messed that up. It injured my pride as an alpha.

‘Protecting Nan…’ A tiny part of me speaks. ‘Or protecting yourself?’

I sit up in defeat. No sleep will be coming to me tonight. Not unless I face my problems head on.

My feet lead me to her door. I quietly knock. Wondering if I am waking her from sleep.

But her quick reply tells me otherwise. “Come in.”

Clearly, I am not the only one unable to rest.

She is sitting in the middle of the bed. The only source of light being a lit candle at her nightstand. She looks small and comfortable in worn sleeping pants and oversized t-shirts.

Small…but not delicate. Her eyes are serene. All of that hard steel softened into a dove grey.

I move with tired limbs to her bed. Allowing myself to rest my head on her outstretched thighs. Her hand drops to my hair.

It is a surrender. I know this. She knows this.

She does not speak. Allowing me to set the pace. Simply waiting for me to gather the courage.

“We all grew up together. Me, Irina…Katya.” Her name catches in my throat like thick syrup. Unwanted and unpleasant.

Nan nods. “You’ve said as much. I assume that was to encourage fondness between you.”

“Yes.” I say.

“Wolves of our status are made aware of our duties from a young age. Katya and I were always aware of a potential match between us.” I continue.

“That sounds strange. To know your potential mate at such a young age.” Nan comments. No real judgement in her tone.

“It’s normal for us. Love matches are exceedingly rare.” I reply in a dull voice.

Nan does not respond. Sensing my change in tone. I appreciate her skills of perception in that moment.

“Katya was…intense. A credit to her lineage. Everything an alpha would want.” I say.

Nan inhales sharply. But holds her silence. Running her hands through my hair.

“She had a fun personality. Enjoying the finer things in life. She was beautiful, enchanting, and powerful…and she knew it too.”

“She must have had many admirers.” Nan says carefully. No indication of her true emotions present in her voice.

I pretend not to notice. Knowing I will never finish my confession if I do not continue. So I press on.

“She did. It was game too her. Playing with them.” I tell her.

“She loved her little mind games. Watching people bend backwards to please her. Utterly memorized by her.”

Nan hummed in the back of her throat at the agitation in my voice.

“None more so than her own little sister.” I reveal.

Nan’s breath hitches. “She treated her own sister this way?” The disgust in her voice almost making me smile.

‘I knew she wouldn’t like that,’ I think. ‘Nan’s sense of justice is too strong not to be horrified.’

“Irina was never as…good at the game as her older sister.” I clarify. “She was too emotional and sensitive to ever be a real contender as their family’s heiress.”

“I guess that would cause some problems for her.” Nan realizes.

I nod.

“She utterly idolized her sister. Yet Katya only ever toyed with her. I tried to look out for the girl…but we had our own relationship problem.”

Nan takes in my face. I can see the thoughts working rapidly behind her eyes. I watch her micro expressions with enjoyment.

“You said Katya was everything an alpha could want.” She thinks out loud. “Yet…not you?”

“No.” I admit. “Not me.”

There is befuddlement in her face at that. “If you didn’t want her…” But I see the hideous truth occur to her before I have voice it.

“That would make things difficult.” Nan say in lack of a better answer. I catch the wince she gives after.

I tap my fingertips on the tip of her nose to let her know it’s okay. Her eyes cross trying follow my movement. It’s an adorable sight.

“I’m sure you can imagine Katya did not like that. What followed was a decade of the most toxic relationship of my life. She cheated numerous times…pretended to hurt herself…told lies about me…she is the reason Joseph stopped trusting me.”

“What?” Nan cries out.

“She tries to ruin almost every relationship in my life. So that I would have no one and depend on her. And the worst part is that…I can’t even blame her.”

I watch Nan’s eyes narrow. “Why not?” She says protectively.

“Because I made her miserable. I felt nothing but indifference to her. For Katya…indifference was the worst thing I could have treated her with…she almost lost her pregnancy due to the stress of it.”

It’s my darkest secret. My most horrible shame. The idea that I failed my wife so badly that she almost lost our pups.

“Lionel.” Nan kisses my forehead. Tears welling her eyes for my pain.

“Then she died…and all I felt was relief. I couldn’t look Irina in the face after that. Knowing she trusted me…and that all I did was quietly celebrate her death.” I confess darkly.

Nan licks her lips. “I don’t think you can be faulted for that. But I understand why you might blame yourself.”

I take comfort in her. Her arms wrap around my head. She presses a loving kiss to my wet cheeks.

She smiles at me wearily. “You should bring Irina around…make it up to her.”

I know what this means to her, all I can do is press my nose to her neck and whisper.

“Thank you.”