Chapter 4 HEADING HOME

POV OLIVIA

The road back home felt longer that day.

The streets covered in thin layers of snow in Maplewood blurred before my eyes while I pushed the grocery cart with one hand and held Jake against my chest with the other.

My entire body was still trembling after my mother’s call.

Laura.

Little Laura.

The image of her smiling, running through Julia’s house with her blonde curls bouncing from side to side, wouldn’t leave my mind.

“The doctors asked the family to prepare for the worst.”

The sentence echoed repeatedly inside my head.

Cruel.

Heavy.

Devastating.

I felt nauseous just remembering it.

My chest tightened so hard it physically hurt.

Jake slept peacefully in the carrier, completely unaware of the chaos happening inside me. His little face was hidden against my chest, protected by the thick fabric of my coat, while his warm breathing seeped through my shirt.

And that almost made me cry again.

Because for the first time in a year… I knew I would have to go back.

Go back home.

I swallowed hard the moment I thought about him.

No.

Not now.

I couldn’t think about Brian at that moment.

The priority was Julia.

It was Laura.

It was being there for my best friend when she needed me most.

Even if it destroyed the fragile balance I had built over the last year.

I quickly passed through the building lobby and left the grocery cart with the superintendent before grabbing the bags.

My hands were trembling so badly that one of them almost slipped to the floor.

“Are you okay, Miss Olivia?” Mr. Martinez asked with concern.

I forced a quick smile.

A failed one.

“I’m okay… thank you.”

Lie.

I was falling apart.

I climbed the building stairs, trying to control my breathing.

The hallway felt narrower that day.

More suffocating.

My heart was beating so fast I could feel it pounding in my throat.

The keys slipped from my fingers twice before I finally managed to unlock the apartment door.

The moment I stepped inside, the silence of the place felt even heavier.

I slowly closed the door behind me.

And stood there for a few seconds.

Motionless.

Trying to breathe.

Trying to think.

Trying to accept what was happening.

But then my eyes filled with tears again.

Because everything was changing.

Again.

I walked over to the makeshift crib beside the couch and carefully took Jake out of the carrier.

He whimpered softly, shifting his sleepy little face before falling back asleep the moment I settled him between the soft blankets.

I gently brushed my fingers over his warm cheek.

So small.

So innocent.

“Everything’s going to be okay…” I whispered, even though I didn’t believe it myself.

My chest burned.

I was terrified.

I quickly stepped away before I completely broke down right there and went straight to the tiny bedroom.

The suitcases were stored on top of the closet.

I spent a few seconds staring at them.

The same suitcases I had used when I left.

When I abandoned everything.

When I left Brian behind.

When I shattered my own heart trying to save what was left of me.

My stomach twisted violently.

I pulled one of the suitcases down hard and let it fall onto the bed.

Then the other.

The sound of the zipper felt absurdly loud in the silence of the apartment.

I took a deep breath.

And started packing.

Jake’s clothes first.

Onesies.

Sleepers.

Diapers.

Bottles.

Colic medicine.

His favorite little blankets.

The tiny toys he liked holding while nursing.

My hands worked quickly.

Automatically.

But my mind was far away.

Very far away.

I barely noticed the tears continuously streaming down my face while I folded those tiny clothes.

Because little by little, reality was finally hitting me hard.

I was going back.

After a year.

After a year in hiding.

After a year spent trying to forget Brian every single day of my life.

A weak, completely broken laugh escaped my lips while I wiped my face.

As if it were possible to forget someone like him.

My phone vibrated on the bed.

My heart immediately raced.

I grabbed it too quickly.

Almost desperately.

Mom.

I opened the message immediately.

“I bought your ticket for tonight. The flight leaves at 8:40 PM. I’ll send you the details now.”

My heart stumbled inside my chest.

Tonight.

It was tonight.

There was no more time to think.

No more time to run.

Another message appeared right after.

“Julia still doesn’t know you’re coming back.”

I squeezed my eyes shut.

My God.

I had no idea how I would face my best friend in that condition.

No idea what to say after disappearing from her life like that.

Because I disappeared.

Without enough explanations.

Without a proper goodbye.

I simply vanished because I needed to survive emotionally.

And that still ate away at me inside.

But none of that mattered now.

Laura was fighting for her life.

And Julia needed me.

Even if that meant facing all my own ghosts.

I slowly sat on the edge of the bed, feeling the weight of fear crush my chest.

Brian was probably still there.

In the same city.

Breathing the same air.

Living his life while I tried to piece mine back together.

Had he changed?

The question instantly appeared in my mind.

After a year… was he still the same?

Or had he finally matured?

Had he moved on?

My chest tightened so hard I had to place a hand over my heart.

Was he with someone?

The thought hit me like a knife.

Because despite everything…

Despite the distance.

Despite the pain.

Despite the way I left…

I had never managed to stop loving him.

Not for a single day.

I immediately swallowed back the sob threatening to rise.

Maybe he hated me now.

And maybe he had reasons to.

I left even after he said he would change.

But how many times had Brian promised the same thing?

How many times had he said things would be different?

How many times had I believed him?

And how many times had he destroyed me right after?

I dragged my trembling hands across my face.

No.

I couldn’t think about that now.

Brian didn’t matter at that moment.

Laura mattered.

I quickly finished closing the suitcases before hearing Jake fussing in the living room.

My heart softened instantly.

I immediately went to him.

The moment I picked him up, he slowly calmed down, his sleepy little eyes staring at me in confusion.

My chest tightened again.

Because Brian had no idea he existed.

No idea he had a son.

Jake wrapped his tiny hand around my finger, and I felt my eyes burn once more.

“I’m sorry…” I whispered.

I didn’t even know exactly for what.

Maybe for hiding the truth.

Maybe for taking him into the chaos he didn’t deserve.

Maybe because deep down, I still didn’t know if I was doing the right thing.

I took several deep breaths before putting on my heavy coat.

I placed Jake back in the carrier.

Pulled the suitcases toward the door.

Then stopped.

My gaze slowly traveled around the small apartment.

The old couch.

The blanket was tossed into the corner.

The baby bottles are drying in the kitchen.

The tiny clothes are hanging near the heater.

The pictures of Jake were scattered across the improvised shelf.

The simple life I had built there.

Safe.

Quiet.

Far away from everything that could hurt me.

My heart started racing again.

Because I had the feeling that the moment I stepped onto that plane… nothing would ever be the same again.

Never again.

I turned off the apartment lights with trembling hands.

And left.

(…)

The airport was crowded, noisy, and far too bright for someone as emotionally destroyed as I was.

Everything felt distant.

The voices.

The announcements over the speakers.

The suitcases are sliding across the floor.

People walking hurriedly.

Couples laughing.

Families hugging.

I just kept moving forward, holding Jake against my chest and dragging the suitcases as if I were functioning on autopilot.

My body was there.

But my mind wasn’t.

During boarding, my hands trembled so badly I almost dropped the documents.

The flight attendant smiled gently when she saw Jake sleeping in the carrier.

“He’s beautiful.”

I tried to smile back.

But my lips barely moved.

“Thank you…”

Minutes later, already seated in the airplane seat, I felt the true weight of everything crash down on me.

It was over.

I was leaving.

Again.

Jake slept peacefully on my lap while the cabin lights slowly dimmed.

I leaned my head back against the seat and closed my eyes for a few seconds.

But that only made things worse.

Because Brian immediately appeared in my mind.

His smile.

His rough voice.

His intense eyes.

The way he looked at me was as if I were the only person in the entire world.

My chest ached violently.

Did he miss me?

The question came before I could stop it.

Did he ever try to look for me?

Did he suffer the way I suffered?

Or did he forget me too quickly?

Maybe he was in love with someone else now.

Maybe he was happy.

Maybe he didn’t even remember me anymore.

I held Jake tighter against my body while tears burned in my eyes again.

Then the plane slowly started moving down the runway.

My heart accelerated instantly.

Fear.

That was all I could feel.

Fear of the reunion.

Fear of the questions.

Fear of the consequences.

Fear of looking at Brian after a year… and discovering I still loved him the same way.

When the plane finally took off, I felt my stomach drop.

And while the lights of Maplewood disappeared through the window, one certainty settled deep inside me.

My life was about to change completely all over again.