Chapter 54

Rachel POV

Bella & Rachel's Apartment - Rachel's Bedroom

Bella was a wizard when it came to organizing the pantry or the refrigerator. She was able to find a place for all the leftovers I had brought home even though it was enough food for a week. I was grateful for her because if it had been left up to me, I'm sure I would have simply thrown everything away only to hate myself later for the waste.

I hadn't been able to look at Tyler on the ride home though he had done his best to get my attention, cheer me up, gain a reaction of any kind from me since I was frozen inside.

I couldn't respond though because I'd inadvertently reminded myself of all the things wrong with us.

Why had I made a joke about wrinkles?

Neither of us were old enough to worry about age lines. We were healthy and we would benefit from our werewolf birthright whether we could shift again or not. I had only wanted to joke around with him, enjoy the moment, and then, suddenly, I was picturing him with Jenny the Model on his arm.

She would worry about wrinkles.

Was Tyler sleeping with her now?

I could remember the way he had emphasized to me he would never cheat on me since I was his fated mate. Wynd wouldn't let him bed another woman. The idea of falling into bed with another female was not interesting to him and he would never ever do it except his wolf was asleep -if not gone entirely- and I was no longer bonded to him as his fated mate.

Did he indulge his desires with other females now? Did he want to? Had he realized he could now Wynd wasn't awake to stop him?

Nausea rolled the contents of my stomach around. I wished I hadn't eaten so much. I was going to gain too much weight with this pregnancy. I'd be fat and ugly and my stomach would be a great deflated bag after I gave birth to my daughter and who would want me then? Certainly not Tyler who had an Alpha's physique to go along with his Alpha appetite for sex.

'Are you OK?'

The text startled me enough I knocked my phone in the floor.

I scrambled down from the bed to retrieve it and water dropped onto my hand.

Tears.

I had been crying without realizing it. How pathetic was I?

'Are you sleeping with The Model?'

I hated myself for asking, but I needed to ask more.

Time passed with no reply. I thought the amount of time between question and response was a reply in itself. Why wouldn't he say 'no' if the answer was no? Tyler had never been very good at conversations of a personal nature. He didn't know how to tell me gently, but he thought he should be gentle since I was pregnant.

'Why would you ask me that? Are you fucking Lewis?'

Shock froze my hand with my phone held right in front of my face.

I don't know if it was the crudeness of the question or the fact I hadn't considered Tyler might have the same worries I did. I just know his text made me feel relaxed for the first time since I'd reminded myself my mate spent time in the company of beautiful women who were not me.

Carefully composing my reply, I sent back, 'No. I don't want anyone else that way.'

I waited on a reply which never came. My phone buzzed as a call came in and I realized I'd left it on vibrate since I had not wanted it to go off during my ultrasound. I saw Tyler's name long enough to process he was calling; I answered before I gave myself a chance to think or talk myself out of it.

"Why would you think I was fucking a model? The Model? Is that Jenny? You think I'm fucking Jenny?"

His voice was a staccato beat of accusations into my ear.

I'd made him angry. I could tell from the sound of his voice as much as from the way he couldn't do more than spit words at me in bursts. I had a tendency to make him angry often. Why had I thought we should try again? We were terrible together.

"Rachel. Talk to me. You want to talk. Talk!"

Swallowing the spit gathering in my mouth, I find my voice, "It was that stupid thing about wrinkles. She doesn't have any. Jenny. She's beautiful and glamorous and terrible and she wants you to-to-to fuck her and you can now, can't you? Wynd isn't awake to stop you."

"I don't need Wynd to stop me. I don't want Jenny. I never wanted Jenny. I only want you. Since I met you, I've only ever wanted you."

I expected the words to sound like accusations -how many times had I blamed the lure of our fated mate bond for stealing me away from my old life?- but they were gentler than Tyler had spoken to me in a long time. Possibly more gentle than he had spoken to me ever.

I couldn't remember with my hand squeezing my phone so hard my fingers were numb while I tried not to be sick at the idea of my former mate wrapped around another woman.

"I don't want Nathan Lewis."

"You seem to want him. He thinks you want him."

Jenny the Model thought Tyler wanted her, too. I wanted to tell him, but I knew he knew and the knowing was enough to stop my tongue in my mouth. All I wanted was to hear him speak gently to me. I didn't even care about the topic.

"He's still living in the past. I'm not. Not anymore. All I think about now is my future. Our daughter. My music. You."

The last is a whisper I barely hear myself. I have to say it though because Tyler deserves to hear it. I've blamed him for things failing between us, but I am no innocent. I have my own sins to bear.

"I think about you. Every day. All day. I want you back. Come back to me. How do I get you to come back to me?"

I wasn't sure what I would need to go back to Tyler, but, for the first time, I realized I would go back to him. I didn't know when I would give in to the urge to be with Tyler Wright again, but I knew I would. I was certain of it because it was the only future I could imagine being possible for myself or for him.

"I don't know how to come back to you. I know I will. Eventually."

There wasn't much of a confession in my tone. I felt as if I were telling him something we'd both known all along. The Moon Goddess gave us to each other. We couldn't belong to anyone else. Our lives were meant to be joined together.

"Why not now?"

Pain tinged his words. I wondered if I had ever thought of Tyler feeling anything close to pain before. All my memories of emotions and Tyler combined were of anger.

I could make him so angry---why was it he always seemed so angry with me?

"Why are you always so angry with me?"

I couldn't think of a reason not to ask. The question felt innocent enough after telling him I would return to his side in time. Secrets and lies bound us together as much as fate and love. We needed to learn how to communicate if we were going to survive.

"You make me feel. Even when I don't want to. Especially when I don't want to."

In that moment, I understood Tyler better than I had ever understood anyone else before.

I knew all about unwanted feelings. I had just learned the hard way my memories of 'first love' were being seen through rose-colored glasses.

Nathan Lewis was not my 'true love' any more than I was his.

I had blamed Tyler for taking my virginity while I was under the influence of drugs, but he'd been a slave to the same lure I had been thanks to the bond between us. A fated mate was more intoxicating than any street drug. Both of our lives had been derailed on the same day in the same moment.

I had just never looked at our first meeting with Tyler's side of things in mind.

"I understand. I blamed you because I lost my innocence and life as I knew it on the night I met you. I couldn't control myself. I was drugged. You couldn't control yourself either, could you?"

Tyler replied, "No. I didn't have any choice either. You were a drug and I was addicted the minute I met you."

"Do you regret it? Meeting me?"

"No. Never. Come back to me."

If I closed my eyes, let myself focus on the words, I could believe Tyler was asking me rather than telling me, but neither of us were ready for a reunion.

"I will," I promised, "Don't give up on me."

"Never."

I hung up before I ruined things by saying anything more.

We had a long way to go before we started walking the same road together again.