Chapter 56

Rachel POV

Bella & Rachel's Apartment

Full from 'taste-testing' Bella's special desserts, I wanted to get a nap in before I had to do anything else with my day. I was alone in the apartment when my phone rang. I was surprised to see Nathan in the caller ID screen. What was he wanting?

"Hello?"

"Rachel! I'm so glad you picked up. Can we talk?"

I wasn't sure how I felt about talking to Nathan. He'd been so desperate he had scared me. My bruises had faded a lot faster than my fear.

Ultimately, I decided to talk to him because my need for him to be the boy I remembered outweighed my anxiety.

"Sure," I agreed, "We can talk. What did you have in mind, Nathan?"

"Can I come in? I'm right outside. I promise I'll leave if you want. I just want to talk and I'd rather do it in person if we can."

Knowing Nathan was right outside the door gave me a momentary shiver. I wasn't sure if I was scared exactly as much as surprised and worried at the same time. I didn't want my memories of my first love spoiled by this strangely desperate man with the same name and face.

"Please, Rachel? For old times' sake?"

I padded barefoot to the door. I opened it for him with my phone still held to my ear. I would have felt foolish if I weren't still worrying over the wisdom of letting him inside when I was alone.

Nathan parked on the curb as soon as I stepped onto the stoop. I realized he must have been circling, waiting for me to agree to see him before he chose to stop or leave. I guessed we both had our reasons for nerves.

Shared anxiety was hardly a reason to bond, but it was better than no reason at all.

"Come in."

I hung up before I could say anything else or he could either.

Leaving the door open for him, I moved back to the couch where I perched in one corner. I curled my feet under me as I tried to make myself as small as possible on my side of the furniture. I was sure my position would put a measure of distance between us Nathan couldn't cross without being overtly obvious or pushy.

Nathan had the glow of health I associated with him as he let himself in, shutting the door soft and careful behind himself. He took his shoes off the way a good houseguest would; I felt a measure of gratitude for his casual confidence.

"Can I stay a while? If things get---weird? I'll leave. I promise."

Nodding, I gestured to the free half of the couch, "Sit down, sit down. We can talk. How have you been? Has something happened?"

I wanted to thank him for his offer of acceptance and protection at the Alpha Council. I knew his heart had been in the right place even if I had felt anxious courtesy of his behavior before. Had that whole experience been nothing more than a fluke? A momentary aberration from his regular, real self?

"Thank you. I appreciate the chance to explain. Are you okay? I know you were having some---problems. I don't know much about pregnancy. Only child. No young myself."

Nathan shrugged almost helplessly. I had a flash of intuition he was embarrassed by his good-guy history, but that was ridiculous wasn't it? Nathan Lewis had been a football star in high school, popular with every peer group, and he'd grown up loved as the heir to his Alpha House. If anyone had a reason to shrug away self-consciousness, it was Nathan.

"I'm fine. Thanks. I have to remind myself to eat regularly and drink more water than usual. I don't get my usual amount of coffee. I honestly can't complain though. What about you? You wanted to explain?"

I felt stupid pretending not to understand, but it seemed somehow easier to give him an 'out' if he wanted one.

Neither of us needed the drama of a formal apology or even an informal one phrased too awkwardly to forget.

"Yes. I didn't mean to be so intense. I know I was strange. It's just I've loved you my whole life. That's the problem: I can't imagine my life without loving you."

Nathan and I had whispered 'I love you' about a thousand times to one another over the years we dated.

I had never said the words to Tyler and he had never said them to me.

Thinking about how freely I'd thrown the words around with Tyler made me flush with an embarrassment I should be too old to feel. My skin was flushed more for my own silliness than any regrets from my teen years. I found I wanted to apologize to Nathan for leading him on except had I done that? Hadn't I meant what I said at the time?

I remember feeling as if I were in love with him.

"I remember loving you, too."

"No," Nathan said, giving me a rueful chuckle as he shook his head at me, "I don't remember loving you. I never stopped loving you. Rachel, you were my first girlfriend. I know I was your first boyfriend, too. But did you know I loved you before we even went out that first night?"

We had only been thirteen -or had Nathan been fourteen?- when we went on our first 'date.'

I could close my eyes and remember the excitement I'd felt getting ready to meet Nathan for a trip to the local movie theater. His mother had driven us there. We had sat three rows in front of her while she gave us the illusion of privacy; we had been too shy to even hold hands, watching the movie silently beside each other until it was over and time for me to be dropped back at home.

"We were only babies when we went out the first time! You didn't know I was alive before then," I laughed, trying to find some humor to lighten the mood.

"I was nine-years-old when I saw you in the sunlight on the playground and I knew you were the most beautiful girl I would ever meet. I wanted to marry you that day. I told my mother who patted my cheek before telling me I could marry any girl I wanted. She took me seriously. I've never known how to do things by half-measures."

His honesty took my breath away.

I let an easy quiet settle between us with the ease of a soft blanket on a cool evening.

We shared the couch from our separate corners and thought together of the children we had once been. I knew we both were thinking of our 'love story,' too. There was no fear left in me in the face of Nathan's admission. I just felt a sadness growing in my heart for him in the place my love had once bloomed with his name on it.

"What do you want me to say?"

I felt stupid asking and, for the first time, I understood how helpless I must make Tyler feel when I demand words from him he doesn't have or know how to voice. I'd been so smart when I had told him there was no 'magic phrase' to make things right between us. Here I was wishing I could give Nathan the right words to fix his broken heart.

I was no better than Tyler when it came to handling love, but maybe none of us were?

Love seemed to have its own rules which set it apart from everything else we could ever learn in our lives.

"I don't want you to say anything. I just want you to know I still love you. I want you to understand," Nathan sighed, twisted to face me more, "When you met Tyler? You found your fated mate and I have no idea how that feels. I am not going to pretend I know how you felt or what happened to you that day. I just know something changed for you forever because you and Tyler were drawn together by the fated mate bond. Me? I had bought a ring to ask you to marry me. Nothing changed for me except you vanished from my life. One day we were in love. We were getting married. I could see our whole future together. The next day you were gone, but me? Rachel I was still there. Waiting. Nothing ever changed for me."

I knew I had hurt Nathan in those early days.

All my focus had been on my humiliation at having thrown myself at my mate like a wanton slut then on saving my brother from thugs before they murdered him.

I hadn't been able to spare a second to let Nathan Lewis down gently. I didn't even know how at that point because a part of me hadn't changed either.

"I still loved you, too, you know? All my feelings didn't just vanish when I met Tyler. They just seemed---like memories in comparison to the pull of the matebond."

Explaining my feelings as they raced through me while being driven by the Goddess's bond was hard. I knew I wouldn't do it justice because the words would always feel too small in comparison to the size of the emotions the bond brough on.

"If you still loved me, why couldn't you talk to me? Why did you just leave me without even giving me a chance to say a proper goodbye?"