Chapter 57

Rachel POV

Bella & Rachel's Apartment

"Honestly? I had too much going on to worry about hurting you. My brother had been kidnapped. Men were hurting him. Torturing him. They would have killed him, Nathan."

Nathan looked at me in surprise. I could see the shock on his face as he took in what I said.

There wasn't any doubt in his eyes which I knew came from the fact he'd known me our whole lives. Neither of us had hidden our family secrets from one another. Nathan had known Patrick was a gambler with bad luck as long as I'd known; I knew House Lewis mourned only having one son to their name when they'd wanted a houseful of children.

"I had to come up with half a million to save him. Patrick had sold me to pay the debt. I got away," I reassured him as I saw a flush creep along the hard line of his jaw, "That's how I met Tyler. I was taken to this---club. He was there in a room down the hall from where I was held. They'd given me a drug and I couldn't control myself and he---"

Nathan held up a hand, "I think I can imagine from there. I knew something like that happened. I asked about you. I hired a PI. A few times."

I couldn't imagine what a private investigator could have told him about me. My whole life had been trying to get Tyler to forgive me for the night we'd met. College had saved me from isolation when Tyler had proven immovable in his disdain for me. Nothing I had done in the three years I'd been mated to Tyler seemed worthy of interest.

"What did they tell you?"

Curiosity made me ask even though I knew Nathan couldn't have found out much since there just wasn't much to learn.

"You were unhappy. And lonely. And I wanted to kill Tyler Wright every day for a while so I moved away because I knew it would hurt you. I couldn't ever hurt you. I know one day I might meet my fated mate. I know. But, Rachel? I'm going to love you until I die. I have to live with that. I can live with it. Can we still be---something? Friends? I don't know."

How was I supposed to reply to a man who claimed he'd love me even after meeting his intended mate? I had loved him when I was a girl and he was a boy and neither of us understood what the word 'love' meant outside of songs or fiction.

I was an adult woman carrying another man's child now and I knew, in a way I could only accept as truth, I would never love him the way he loved me.

"Can you just be friends with me? I hate the idea of hurting you."

Nathan grinned at me, "Let me worry about how I feel. You just focus on you. I didn't tell you to make you feel guilty or anything. In case you were wondering. I just wanted you to know I got a little crazy because you make me crazy. Loving you is the strongest emotion I've got. I'd do anything for you. Even be your friend while you fall in love with another Alpha."

Was that what it seemed as if I were doing? Falling in love with Tyler?

I supposed we looked as if we were courting again. We were trying to figure out how to live now we'd accepted we could live without hurting each other. All of the time we had spent on resentment could have been spent on understanding. We were both trying to live with fewer regrets.

"Then we'll be friends," I decided, "I'll be here when you meet your mate, too. I want to be able to say 'I told you so' when you meet her and lose your mind for her completely. You'll see the way you feel about me? It's not so strong. It's just taken out of context."

"My whole life is taken out of context. My parents are still telling me to wait for my fated mate, too. They wish they'd waited for their own. You know my mother thinks she's been punished by the Goddess because she married my father?"

I had always thought Tyler's parents were fated mates. Understanding dawned on me as I realized why his mother had insisted on an escort for our dates for so long.

She hadn't wanted me to make a decision I would regret.

"What kind of punishment?"

"She only had me. One baby in all their years together. She miscarried a lot. I'm not sure how many times. I know they stopped trying for another child when I was fourteen. Mother went to a place to 'collect herself' because of a bad loss. Do you remember that?"

I could only vaguely remember his mother being on holiday for a while when we were still in the early days of dating. We had only been allowed to study at each other's houses for a few hours in the evenings. All our dates were chaperoned. So much had been going on in my own life, I just hadn't paid much attention to Nathan's family dramas.

"I think so. A little. I don't think she was punished. I just think---Goddess, Nathan, that's so sad. Your mother is a dear. I wish I could tell her how much I appreciated her kindness when my mother died."

"She knew. She loves you. She's glad we didn't marry though and she knows I resent her for feeling that way."

It was hard to imagine Nathan resenting anyone, much less his doting mother.

I understood Nathan better now he had explained how time had stopped for him back in our last year of school together. He was still in love with the Rachel he'd known as a boy. I wasn't her anymore. I hoped spending time with me would let him see how much I had changed.

Desperate to change the subject, I asked, "Have you ever been to Moonglow Pack territory? That's where House Campbell lives. I want to go there to investigate my mother's connection to them, but Jack says I need an Alpha escort."

"You do need an Alpha escort. They're pretty old-school. I visited with my father a few summers. The whole pack lives commune-style. They've got a massive amount of land for the area, but it feels like you're never alone. Suffocating."

Nathan gave a shudder I knew he felt. His handsome face twisted in a grimace of distaste; I felt a stab of fear at what might be waiting for me to discover if I went to their land seeking answers they'd rather keep hidden away.

"Do you think it would be okay if I took Tyler?"

Nathan's brows drew together as he gave me a confused look. I knew it was a strange question, but I needed him to be the friend he'd offered to be. I needed someone to give me advice and he was all I had right now because I was leaning too heavily on Bella and Jack.

"Why wouldn't it be okay to take Tyler? I mean, I don't like Wright very much. The guy stole my girl. He's kind of snobby, too. I think he's a good Alpha though. He's definitely intimidating enough I don't think anyone would dare mess with you."

I couldn't tell Nathan about Tyler or I being without our wolves. I knew admitting we were effectively crippled would only lead to trouble in one way or another.

Wolves were predators. It was in our nature to go after the weak. Nathan might want to be my friend now, but if I told him my mate wasn't able to fight him off? If he knew I couldn't put up a fight myself? What would he do then? Would his instincts encourage him to make a move we'd both regret?

I couldn't chance it.

Instead, I asked, "Do you think I would need to worry about being attacked? How old-school are they? They don't still keep females from talking to strangers, do they?"

I was joking, but I saw the hesitation on Nathan's face and it shocked a response out of me before he could even get a word out.

"Oh my Goddess! They do! Are you serious? You're lying! No packs are that archaic anymore."

"Actually, they were pretty close to the Ice Age last time I visited. We stayed in a 'summer cottage' which had electric lights and that was it. They had a communal bath house. No air-conditioning. I was never alone with a girl the whole time I was there. All their females did have escorts."

I shook my head in amazement, unable to picture my kind, gentle mother growing up in such a stark environment.

"My mother was so eloquent though! She could entertain as well as any hostess and she always seemed to know the right thing to say. I can't imagine her in a world like that."

Nathan shrugged, "I don't think anyone has an easy time imagining their parents being young. Are you thinking about taking a different escort? I'd be glad to go with you. They are on friendly terms with Full Moon."

"Can I get back to you about it?"

Nathan laughed and agreed before letting me steer the topic to whether or not escorts were sexist.

What kind of world was I trying to get myself admitted into? Would I be better off just remaining pledged to Moonrise Pack even if John Wright wanted to try to control me and my baby?