Chapter 154

Almara’s Pov

We don’t find Grace. Darkness has now blanketed the sky and with it the feeling of defeat. The once welcomed dazzling stars now seem to mock me as a reminder that time yet another day has come and go and I am’ without my daughter.

Arthur and I sit side by side mindlessly watch the waves lap one another. My open wounds from getting cut my branches and torn skin from stepping on shells stings in the salty air. I don’t mind the pain though, I hardly pay attention to it.

Even as Arthur sits right next to me, he seems to be a million miles away. He keeps his arms crossed over his knees and his eyes fixated on the sky. I want to say something, but have no words. I feel as if there is nothing left in me., no words, no tears, and no hope.

Suddenly Arthur jumps to his feet and takes off full sprint toward the ocean, just as he did on the first day. I startle at his sudden movements, but only as a reaction not out of genuine feeling of surprise. Still, I watch with at least mild confusion as he dives into the water.

He splashes about, moving rapidly as if trying to move the water out of the way and search all the way to the bottom. He keeps at it for sometime and I wonder if he’s trying to drown himself. Only then do familiar feelings of concern start to rise.

“Arthur!” I call out, but it’s useless. Between him flapping around in the water and coming up for air and straight back down there’s no way he can hear me. I rise to my feet and debate about trying to get his attention by waving my arms, but even that seem like it won’t break his focus.

All I can do is continue to stand back and watch. Eventually it gets dark enough that I can only make out his shape and hear that he’s still out there rather than see. Not too much longer, the sound of waves breaking lessens and I realize exhaustion must be taking a toll on him by now.

He starts to make his way back to shore the water resumes it’s normal activity or ebbs and flows as if completely unaffected by Arthurs break down. Arthurs panting replaces the rhythmic sound of the oceans waves and he slumps back down next to me.

“What was that for?” I ask, though I think I’m beginning to understand. Arthur went ballistic because how could he not? He took a beating on the world because the world has been kicking us while we’re down. I don’t blame him for wanting to express his anger, at least he’s still feeling something.

“I was looking for her body.” Arthur says, derailing all my previous thoughts.

“What?” I ask though I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

“Her body.” Arthur says again wit ha shrug. “Maybe she saw us swimming earlier and decided she wanted to try and-” His voice cracks and he stops himself short.

“She wouldn’t-” I start to say then stop myself. I wish I could say she wouldn’t do that, but what I was going to say was she wouldn’t still be this close to shore if she tried to swim however many hours ago. Her body could be out in the middle of the ocean by now.

I shudder not just at the thought of that happening, but at the coldness in which I’m thinking about it. Perhaps this is what trauma does, it just desensitizes you.

“Do you have a better idea?” Arthur exclaims unexpectedly.

I’m a bit stunned by the sharpness in his voice that I don’t think of anything in response to his question, only my defenses go up. “Don’t yell at me.” I say with more attitude than I intended. I can’t help it though. I’m hurting and his yelling is making it worse.

“I wasn’t yelling at you, Almara.” Arthur runs his fingers aggressively through his hair. “God, this isn’t even about you!” Arthur shouts and all I can do is look at him with a slack jaw, until my own anger takes hold. Why does he think he can talk to me like that? I’m suffering too! I’m not the water for him to take a punch on.

“No, it’s not about me. And this isn’t about you either, this is just something that you aren’t going to be able to fix.” I say and then more slyly under my breath, “Or pay for someone else to fix.” I regret it as soon as I say it.

“Well, you sure seem to like my money when it buys you nice boats, clothes, and vacations.” Arthur remarks.

I wince under his comment, but mostly let the anger boil over. “I’m not Sofia.” I tell him with a cross of my arms. “I never wanted you for your money.” I say.

“You may not actually be Sofia, but you’re becoming just like her.” He says and smiles, knowing he just dug the knife in deeper. I feel tears burning behind my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.

“Well, I never thought you would talk to me the way Robert did.” I say and turn my back to him. Then an answer to his previous question pops into my mind. What if Grace called her way onto the boat? She could have been staying there this whole time and now the boat is sailed away.

I quickly spin back around and eventually spit out some of the thoughts that are racing a mile a minute in my head. “The boat.” I say and point to where the ship was stationed. “What if Grace was on the boat and she’s now sailing far away from us?”

Arthur clenches his teeth so tightly, I can see his jaw lock. “Are you saying I didn’t check the boat while you were off in the forest for over an hour?”

I shake my head, unbelievable. How can he even begin to take what I said as an insult? I think for the first time of us being together, I’m getting an accurate sense of just how big his ego can be. “Forget it.” I say, not wanting to fight any further. At least now I know Grace isn’t on the ship.

We don’t speak the rest of the night. The sounds that fill the night air is the symphony of cicadas, my belly growling, and my soft cries that produce no tears.

It’s a long time before sleep rescues me of my tortuous thoughts. Arthur doesn’t sleep either. Though I don’t look at him, I can hear him coming and going all throughout the night looking for Grace.

A couple of times I pull myself to my feet and trudge through the jungle hoping to at least pick up a scent of Grace because I can’t even see my hand that’s right out in front of me.

On my final time returning to our homebase after an unsuccessful search for Grace, my legs finally collapse under physical and emotional exhaustion. Sleep takes hold of my body and I let it.

Unfortunately, my dreams don’t let me sleep in peace. Instead, I have visions of me running after Grace and never being able to catch her.