Chapter 140

“I mean, there was a tv in the living room of the boarding house,” Jackson says on a sigh, even as he starts to laugh. “But…before they showed me what it was for, I thought it was a computer.”

“So, you knew what a computer was,” I say, grinning, “but not a tv?”

“Yup,” he says, smiling down at me, nodding because he knows how ridiculous that sounds in my world. “We used computers sometimes as part of our education – we had a few in this building in the Community. Ones that I now realize are very, very old. But tv? I’d never watched tv in my life. And I was completely freaked out when they turned it on and showed it to me, but then I became…obsessed.”

“You did!?” I squeak, kind of charmed by the idea of my sweet Jackson just spending three months before the academy rushing home from his job to watch TV. “Jackson, what did you watch?”

He sighs, deep and contented, and grins at me again. “Ariel, I watched women.”

“What!?” I gasp, completely not understanding. And then my eyes go wide. “Jackson,” I whisper, “do you mean that you watched…like, a lot of porn?”

Jackson bursts out laughing and covers his face again. “No, Ariel, no,” he says, shaking his head, unable to help his smile. Then he drops his hand and looks back at me. “I mean, the guys I lived with showed me that too – and it was…” his own eyes go wide and his cheeks puff out with his breath, “it was a…a lot, wasn’t it? God…” he shakes his head as if to scare the ideas away. “But no, I wasn’t ready for that – I’m not sure I’ll ever be. No, I mean, I just watched a bunch of shows with women in them. And I was fascinated.”

My heart swells completely as I stare up at him, even as my stomach drops to my feet. Because how – how does this man exist? On one hand Jackson is so brutal, and so powerful – and on the other…

God damn it, he’s just so sweet.

“What did you watch?” I ask, my voice a whisper.

“Anything I could find that had women on the screen,” he says, completely honest. “I mean, you have to understand, Ari, we were always fascinated by girls and women when we were growing up because we were forbidden to talk to them – even looking at them was discouraged. Women were these great, entrancing mysteries. And there were like, rumors? Passed down between the boys? About what girls were like, and that you could kiss them – whatever kissing was - and that there was once a guy in the military training who had found his mate, whatever that was, and he tried to run away with her, and they killed him for it.”

My face goes pale at the idea of it, but Jackson just strokes my cheek.

“I don’t even know if that was true,” he says softly, shaking his head. “But you have to understand how forbidden women were. And then to come to a place where I just got this magical box where I could stare at women? And listen to their stories, and hear them talking to each other?” He exhales deeply, shaking his head. “God, I…I couldn’t get enough.”

I smile up at him, nodding, doing my best to understand as he starts to laugh, remembering something else.

“The guys I lived with,” Jackson continues, “they were pissed, because I was always hogging the tv, and I never wanted to watch sports. I liked the boxing – that’s where I first saw Luca, too – because I understand fighting. But the other sports,” he screws his mouth to the side and shrugs, “I mean, who cares? Why would I want to watch another guy play a game instead of playing it myself? I was shocked that they wanted to watch them – like, didn’t they know that there were stories about women? I mean, I know these guys liked women, sometimes they even brought them home. But they didn’t want to watch the kinds of shows I watched. It never made sense to me.”

“So, what did you watch?” I ask, soft.

“I liked sitcoms,” he says, again stroking my hair as he smiles at me and tells me his story like it’s a great secret he’s been dying to share. “I liked that they showed women talking to each other in their everyday lives, and being friends, and that they talked about what they wanted from life. It felt like…like I was finally getting answers to things I’d been wondering my whole life. It allowed me to see women as just…people. Not forbidden, mysterious things.”

My heart swells in me with every word my mate says. “Did you have any favorites?” I ask, my question a whisper, not wanting to break the spell.

His brow furrows as he tries to remember. “There was one, um…about the six friends? Who all lived in apartments across a hall from each other? Three guys and three girls?”

“Besties,” I say, immediately supplying the name of the old sitcom we’ve all watched a thousand times, smiling softly because I absolutely love that he loved this show.

“Yeah, that one was the best one,” he says, nodding like it’s a fact. “The girls were…really nice to each other, and so supportive, and so funny. And I learned about…boyfriends and girlfriends and dating. And what mates were. And with movies, I liked…um, what do you call them? Romedies…?”

“Romantic comedies?” I offer. “Romcoms?”

“Yes,” he says, giving me a decided nod that makes me grin. “I loved romcoms, and what the guys called ‘chick flicks’ – any movies and shows about women’s lives, I wanted to watch. And then when I found out that the library existed? And that you could borrow movies and whole seasons of shows?”

He puffs out his cheeks again, like it completely blew up his world, and I laugh with him.

“I put that library card to work,” he murmurs, staring off into the distance, “never had a late fee and watched…probably every movie in their collection that had a woman on the cover. And I got books, which answered…so many questions.”

“What like, romance novels?” I ask, curious.

“What’s a romance novel?” he asks, snapping his attention to me, immediately intrigued.

I grin at him and shake my head. “I’ll tell you about those later,” I say with a little laugh, knowing that it will open a whole new world for him. “But tell me what you mean – what books did you get?”

“Books on science, on the world,” he says, staring down into my eyes. “I…well, that’s how I figured out that I’d been told a lot of lies at the Community. I read everything I could on history, and biology, and nature. I…I mean, I didn’t even know the earth was round,” he murmurs, closing his eyes on a deep sigh, like he’s embarrassed. “Or that there were…other planets.”

“That is so insane, Jacks,” I whisper, wondering what else he still doesn’t know he doesn’t know about.

“Yeah,” he murmurs, sighing. “Some of the science fiction shows I watched made absolutely no sense until I got my hands on a children’s picture book about the solar system. That was…that was a big day for me.”

I sigh, and reach up, and stroke his cheek. There must be so many gaps in his knowledge, so many things about the world which he just doesn’t know. And, I mean, it’s not like I know everything…

But I have had the benefit of a world-class education. And Jacks is so clever, and so hungry for knowledge that it breaks my heart. Suddenly, if I could give it to him – everything I have had, even if it means I had to give it up - I’d do it. In a heartbeat.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Jacks murmurs, gentle, looking down at me with a little sadness in his eyes.

“Like what?” I whisper, confused.

“Like you pity me,” he murmurs, shaking his head.

I sigh, realizing that he’s right – that I am pitying him, and it’s written all over my face. I reach up, running my fingers through his hair, tucking it back behind his ear. “You’re just so lovely, Jacks,” I whisper, meaning every word of it. “I want you to have had…more than what you were given. I know that the people who raised you…that you didn’t know any different, and that some of the must have done their best. But I wish they’d done better by you – given you more. I want you to have everything, Jackson. You deserve it. You deserve the world.”

“Well, I’ve got that now, don’t I?” he whispers, tightening his arms around me and giving me a shy smile, clearly meaning what he says and believing it – like now that he has me, he can’t possibly be lacking, at all, ever. He leans forward, nudging my nose with his, opening his feelings to me, letting me understand just how happy and content and whole he feels when we’re like this, curled up with each other, our own little world. Complete.

And I can’t help it. I’m just completely overwhelmed, absolutely consumed by how much he loves me already, and how much my feelings match his, inch for inch. I lift my chin, closing the short distance between us and wrapping my arms around my mate’s neck as I kiss him, desperate for him to know that he’s mine – mine forever – and that I’m going to do everything in my power to give him the life he deserves.