Chapter 183

“I knew it was spring,” he murmurs, his head still hanging as he gets back on track, “because the riverbank was seriously muddy. Like, I kept slipping in it, couldn’t keep my footing, annoying as hell. In winter, it’s frozen solid. In summer, it’s so dry that the dirt…puffs up in the air.”

He sighs, raising his eyes to mine, and shrugs. And I smile a little, a small part of me really liking the idea that he told the passing of the year by how difficult it was not to slip and fall face-first into a river. But I don’t say anything, just letting him continue.

“They sent us out, one day, to collect wood, of all things.” His face screws up in confusion. “And you have to understand, Ari, like…we didn’t collect wood – not me and the guys from my barracks. We were warriors at this point – not even in training anymore. Our jobs were to eat, and to…work out, and spar, for lack of better terms. And to keep the barracks clean. I was never given chores outside the barracks like collecting wood – not unless it was an emergency or something.”

He continues, then, telling me about how the elders sent them out into the forest to collect firewood, instructed to bring back as much as they could carry.

“I was collecting by the stream,” he murmurs, his eyes going distant as he remembers, “and I was getting…pissed, because all the wood was wet, because I knew it wasn’t going to be any good in the fireplace. And then, suddenly…she was there.”

“Tasha?” I ask, a little breathless.

His eyes focus again on me. “Yeah. She was just there, in the woods with me. Like she’d just appeared or something.”

“What did you do?” I ask, my voice quiet like I’m trying not to spook him.

“I dropped…everything,” he says, laughing, covering his face a little like he does when he’s embarrassed. I grin, watching him, not able to help it. “I was just so shocked – everything I was holding went right to the ground. Scattered – into the mud. She…laughed at me.”

Jealousy swells in me at this because…I mean, it’s cute, isn’t it? A girl and a boy meet in a forest, and my sweetheart Jacks reacts exactly as you thought he might.

“I tried to back off, to run, but she…she stopped me. Called out to me, told me to stay. Called me by my name. Called me Jackson.”

I see something there, about how that means something to him. But I don’t press.

“She came close then, and took my hand, and told me to stay with her for a little bit. But Ariel,” he shakes his head now, and his voice grows low like he’s still afraid. “When I said, before, that women were forbidden – I mean forbidden. I knew that this wasn’t allowed. I knew that even talking to her was off-limits, and here she was, saying my name? She took my hand…”

He takes a deep breath like it’s hard to tell, and I scootch closer to him, wanting him to feel my support. Because I can tell that this isn’t easy for him – and also, that he’s never told anyone this before.

“She was really, really nice to me, Ariel,” he says softly, and I nod, because I believe him. I clench my teeth and close down the bond a little because I don’t want him to see how incredibly sorry it makes me – that a girl was nice to him, and that it meant so much. It shouldn’t…shouldn’t have to be so hard.

“How was she nice?” I whisper, urging him to tell me more.

“We sat down by the river, and she held my hand, and asked me questions about my life. It got easier, because she kept laughing at me – but not like, in a bad way. Laughing like she thought I was cute, laughing at…how anxious I was. She told me to relax, that it was okay. And I started to believe her, and I got to ask her some questions too. She told me that she liked…cooking? And birds. And the color yellow.”

He smiles at these details and I can’t help it – I smile too. Because even if I am jealous – and I have to admit that I am very, very jealous – I want Jackson to have held the hand of a girl who likes yellow, and birds, and cooking.

“It happened fast after that,” he says, hanging his head a little, I think maybe liking this part less. “I…didn’t understand it. She kissed me, and then…she moved my hands? To touch her. And I did. And then, faster than you’d think, our clothes were off, and…”

He shrugs, stopping there, perhaps sensing that I don’t want all the details. Or wanting to keep them for himself. But I don’t begrudge him that.

I frown a little, though, at this phrasing. “So…” I say carefully, softly. “Did you not…”

“If you’re asking if I wanted to,” he murmurs, lifting his eyes to mine. “I did. That wasn’t…the problem.”

“Was there a problem?”

“No,” he replies, earnest. “I mean, I liked it. I liked it a lot. We did it again, a couple more times after that day. They sent us out into the woods more often, and we’d collect wood, and sometimes she’d be there and sometimes she wouldn’t. But when she was there, I was thrilled – and she was happy too, I could tell. We got closer, enjoyed each other’s company, liked…” he sighs, and shakes his head a little like he doesn’t know how to explain it. “We liked the physical stuff too – I know we did.”

“That’s good, though,” I murmur, reaching out a hand and lightly tracing my fingers through his hair. “Isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” he says. “I just…I mean, after…actually, I don’t now how long it lasted. But it just stopped. They sent me out into the woods still, but I just gathered wood, and brought it back, and she wasn’t there anymore. I never heard from her again, never…I mean, I don’t know what happened to her.”

My heart sinks, worried now. Because…what the hell is going on in his world, that his girl was able to find him for a season and then disappear? Was she some kind of magical fae? Some figment of his imagination?

I watch him carefully and we’re both quiet for a long couple of moments.

“How do you feel about it?” I ask quietly, not knowing precisely how to feel myself and wanting his guidance. Because, on one hand, that sounds like…well, kind of like a perfectly lovely and acceptable way to lose your virginity. Two young people meeting in the woods, attracted to each other, not really knowing what they’re doing and it just…happens.

But somehow, I know that it’s more complicated than that for Jacks.

“I feel really weird about it, Ari,” he murmurs, looking down at his hands. “I feel torn. Because, on one hand, she’s a really nice girl and I’m grateful to her for being so kind to me. Like, you can’t understand what it was like – we didn’t even know we were unhappy in the barracks, not really, because…we didn’t have anything to compare it to. But those handful of hours, stolen with Tasha in the woods…” he looks up at me now, and the sheer emotion on his face almost bowls me over. “She made me to want more, Ariel. She taught me to want more.”

I nod, letting him know that I understand – or that I’m starting to. I sense, though, that there are so many layers to this – a depth of complication and emotion that I can’t even get to, because not even Jackson has gotten there yet.

“What’s the other hand?” I murmur, continuing to run my fingers through his hair.

“The other hand,” he says, his voice dropping a little in anger. “Is that…I didn’t even…know what was happening. I was so embarrassed when I found out.”

I frown at him for a moment, not getting, and he inhales deeply, figuring out how to explain.

“I hadn’t had sex before, obviously,” he murmurs, staring off into the distance. “But I had done…stuff. To myself…you know. When I was alone.”

A little blush creeps onto his cheeks, and I smile a bit, continuing to stroke my fingers through his hair, because it is weird to talk about masturbation with people. Such a personal thing – something we’re taught to keep hidden away, Jackson probably more than anyone else.

“So,” he continues, taking a breath and moving briskly on, “the sensations themselves weren’t really a surprise. Though, sex is…” he puffs out a breath and raises his eyebrows, like sex is just a whole other world from getting yourself off alone in bed.

I sigh a little, because I wouldn’t know, and Jackson smirks as he glances at me. “Sorry,” he murmurs.

“No, don’t be,” I say, a little sarcastic. “I mean, I tried to find out this morning…”

He laughs and glances at me, but I murmur assurances that I’m just teasing him, and he nods, continuing, his spirit a bit brighter.

“What were you embarrassed about?” I prompt, wanting to know.

Jackson exhales a long breath.