Chapter 184

“I was embarrassed,” he says, looking away from me again. “Because…when I came to the city and started watching TV, people of course talked about sex casually – that husbands and wives did it, and mates, and boyfriends and girlfriends. But…they talked about it like it was this big thing – especially losing your virginity, how intense and emotional and special it was. And I was so interested because I was like…well what the hell is that? What’s sex? What could it be? And then I saw some movies that showed people actually having sex…”

His words fade off, and suddenly it all snaps together. “Oh,” I say, sitting up a little straighter. “And you realized that you’d…you’d done it before.”

“Yeah,” he says, looking down at his hands. “And I felt…I don’t know, kind of robbed? Not by Tasha – but by the Community, by my education. I should have known that it was…important. That it was big. That it’s not something that most people casually do by the river, but it’s something that a lot of people understand as an act that…brings people together. People who love each other.”

We’re both quiet now, and my hand slips down from his hair, down his neck to rest on his shoulder. I study him carefully, his handsome profile, his powerful frame. Physically, he can withstand so much. And yet it’s this – these small, stolen things that truly break him down.

“Did you love her?” I ask quietly, curious. And as I ask it I realize that I won’t begrudge him if the answer is yes. That instead I might even be happy – I will have wanted him to have that love in a world that took so much away from him.

“No,” he answers, looking at me seriously. “I…liked her a lot, Ariel, I was really fond of her. But what we had, how I felt about her?” He shakes his head softly. “It is…nothing compared to…” he gestures to me now, to the bond between us. And I nod, accepting it, understanding.

We stare at each other for a long time in the dark of Jackson’s room, both of us feeling the complexities of this thing, feeling a sorrow for everything that was taken from him, and joy for what we’ve found now.

Because no matter what came before, we have each other in this moment. And I again feel that fierce protective instinct well up in me, like if anyone comes for my baby Jacks – lays a single finger on his emotions, I’m just going to rip them to shreds.

“Come here, baby,” I murmur, dropping the sheet from my hands and opening my arms to him. Jackson obeys, letting himself lean over lightly until he topples into my arms. I laugh a little, working hard to stay upright as the full, not insubstantial weight of his upper half comes to rest against me. But I prevail, and stay upright, and hug him close, tucking my chin against his head.

Jackson sighs, long and steady, and in it I feel a thousand things. Feel the relief in having me to talk to, in unburdening himself. And worry, that I won’t fully understand, or that he didn’t tell it right. And sadness, in having to remember it at all, this part of his life that he’s so eager to leave behind.

“Don’t leave it all behind, Jacks,” I whisper. “It’s still your history. It’s still yours.”

“I’m not sure it is, Ari,” he murmurs. “It was so…calculated. So controlled. I think it’s theirs.”

I don’t counter, not knowing how much good it will do. But, I do quietly – in a secret part of me that I hope Jackson can’t hear or feel – determine to talk to mom about getting him a therapist. Because my sweet Jacks – he’s been through the ringer, hasn’t he? And as much as I want to be here to listen and hold him through all of it, I know that I don’t know enough to help him through some of the more complex emotions.

But there are, I know, some things I can do to make it better.

“I know you don’t want me to apologize anymore,” I say quietly, my arms firm around him as I kiss the side of his head again. “But…I’m sorry if I pressured you too much to go too fast. I didn’t think about what it might be like from your side. And that’s not fair.”

“Yeah, I absolutely do not want you to apologize for that, Ari,” Jackson says, turning a little so that we’re face-to-face again, so that I can see his frown. He sits up straighter, wrapping an arm around me. “I don’t want you to think I don’t want to have sex with you. Because…” he raises his eyebrows now and looks at me seriously. “Believe me when I say that…I want to.”

I grin a little at the way his voice got all low and gravelly when he said that, but I don’t tease him about it. Instead, I just nod and put a hand on his cheek – because I do believe him. I can feel it, down our bond, that it is not just me. That he wants me just as bad. He just…needs more time.

He turns his head a little, kissing my hand before looking back into my eyes. “We just have time, right? I kind of want to…” he grins now, I think feeling like it might be a little tacky, “to date you. And let it grow. And…you know. Get there when we get there.”

I burst into a grin, leaning close. “You want to date me, Jackson McClintock?” I say in my best high school girl voice, because it’s just too adorable to not tease him about. Just a teeny, tiny bit.

“Yup,” he says, grinning right back at me, holding me tighter. “I want to date the hell out of you, Ariel Sinclair. And then, when we get to the sex,” he shrugs, like it’s no big deal, “it will…mean something. Won’t just be something we do because our bodies wanted to, or whatever. Is that…okay?”

“Yeah, it’s okay,” I whisper, leaning close and pressing my forehead against his. “Um…can we still make out and stuff?”

“Yeah,” he says, smiling deeply at me and tugging on my hips so that I’m basically in his lap again. I squeal a bit, because it’s my favorite place to be. “We can make out, Ariel. And…stuff.”

As if to prove his point, Jackson kisses me slowly and deeply, in the way he knows I like best. And I lean back against his arm and let him take control, kissing him back languidly, enjoying the feeling of his mouth and his tongue pressing against my own, especially now that I know that this is as far as it’s going to go right now.

And inwardly, I smile, because…I mean, because it’s kind of amazing, isn’t it? I thought that Jackson and I were close, incredibly close, so deeply bonded that it couldn’t get more intense. And yet here we are, not having sex after I’ve been mostly naked in his bed for an extended period of time, and it’s…

It’s deeper. It’s better. And I’m so terribly in love with him that…god, I just don’t know how to manage it.

But as Jackson’s arms tighten around me and he leans me backwards just a touch further, I smile. Because I know he’s going to be there to help me.

I’m losing myself completely to Jackson, my mind going to that hazy space it always does when he kisses me for any extended period of time at all, when suddenly my wolf leaps to her feet inside of me.

Oh no, she murmurs, her legs going stock straight as she stands, staring, feeling the wave of him coming down the hall towards us.

Because he’s close now, and we can feel him, feel the anger and the pain and the horror and the dismay radiating off him like a cloud.

Jackson’s wolf, feeling my wolf’s movement, likewise jumps to his feet, a growl rising in his throat. Jackson and I both start in the same instant, pulling apart just an inch and staring, shocked, into each other’s eyes the moment before the pounding begins on the door.

“Shit,” I whisper, my head spinning towards the noise.

“Ariel!” Luca shouts, continuing to pound as he does. “Ariel, get the hell out of there! Right now!” My eyes go wide, and Jackson’s growl rises in his chest, his throat, as he holds me tight.

I glance over at him. “Jacks,” I whisper. “He’s going to wake the whole palace – guards are going to come running if we don’t get the door right now.”