Chapter 374

“Jess –“ Rafe holds out a hand towards his cousin, deeply aware that he’s crossed a bridge he never, ever wanted to cross. That he’s said the words his cousin has maybe been waiting for, and fearing, his entire life.

“No,” Jesse says, shaking his head, his eyes filling with tears. “You said it. Now own it. Because you’re fucking right.”

All of Rafe’s anger leaves him in a rush and he stares at his cousin, agonized at what he just did. At what he let his stupid rage lead him to – saying words he didn’t even fucking mean to his best friend in the world, just because he lost his temper and wanted – so badly – to hurt him in turn.

“Do you think it’s been easy for me?” Jesse asks Rafe, wiping hard at his eyes with his sleeve, desperate not to cry in front of his cousin but failing immediately at the task. “Growing up in your shadow? Standing next to you – the perfect Prince – my entire life? Being compared to you at every turn – in athletics, in academics, in looks, in charm, in ability, and yeah – in success with women? And always, always coming up short?”

Rafe stands straight, watching his cousin back away, hating himself.

“And I have never resented you for that Rafe – because I fucking love you. I celebrate you every day – all of your successes, and victories, and accomplishments, because I think you’re fucking great and you’re my cousin and my best friend. You’re my fucking brother. But did you ever think about what it was like for me? Did you ever consider that this is why I feel like I have to be funny all the time – because to get anyone to even look at me next to you I had to become your jester, your fucking clown?”

Jesse shakes his head, sniffing hard, trying desperately to stand straight.

“She is the first person who has seen beyond that,” Jesse says, pointing out towards the Castle where Daphne is. “Or at least, the first person outside of our family to see something in me that doesn’t pale in comparison to you. So excuse me if, yes, I run towards that, if I rejoice in finding someone who sees something good in me and want to hold on to it forever. Someone who wants to be with me for who I am, for what I have to offer.”

“Jesse, I –“

“No, fuck you Rafe,” Jesse snaps, cutting Rafe off with a sharp shake of his head. “Because it doesn’t kill me that she liked you first, I’m fucking used to that in my life. This whole thing,” he gestures around at the forest, “this entire fight is happening because it’s killing you that she had you kneeling at her feet and she still decided that she likes me better. You can’t stand that – you can’t stand one person on this earth not choosing you.”

Rafe hangs his head, devastated, wondering if Jesse is right. If he’s that arrogant, that conceited.

“You could have just let me have this one, Rafe,” Jesse says, his voice flat and fading as he turns. “You have literally…everyone else.”

Jesse walks away.

Leaving Rafe completely alone.

When Jackson and I walk into the breakfast hall, Ben basically jumps to his feet, nearly dropping his coffee cup in his attempt to get up from the table and across to me as fast as he can. But he doesn’t have to go far, because I’m already dashing to him by the time he opens up his arms and wraps me up.

“Oh god, Ari,” he murmurs, holding me tight and rocking me back and forth, his cheek pressed to my cap. “I’m so, so relieved to see you awake – and walking – and clothed -”

I laugh as he releases me, but I don’t miss that his eyes drop to my neck. But there’s nothing to see there – just before we left a package came up from Daphne with a little cylinder of black fabric that I can wear around my neck like a tube scarf. When tucked into the collar of my cadet uniform, it really does just look like a turtle neck. It’s not precisely uniform regulation, but ubiquitous enough to pass most notice.

Unless, you know, you’re the one who found me naked and bleeding from my neck in someone’s dorm room a couple of days ago. Then, you notice.

Jackson lets out a possessive little snarl as he catches up to me, but he murmurs an apology to Ben when Benny looks up at him with a little bit of fear. “I’m on overdrive,” Jackson murmurs, holding up a hand to him. “Ignore me.”

“Plus he’s hungry,” I say, beaming up at Ben.

“I know, meals have been lonely,” Ben murmurs, gesturing around at the empty table. My heart sinks as I look around at it, because even if Rafe and Jesse aren’t back from their run yet – there are still two seats that aren’t going to be filled anymore.

Tears fill my eyes and Ben sighs, leading me the last few steps to a chair next to Jackson, settling on my other side. “Oh, I’m sorry, Ari,” he murmurs, shaking his head as I wipe at my cheeks. “Don’t think on it much. It’s too hard.”

I nod, knowing that he’s right, exhaling hard and closing my eyes for a moment as I force myself to think of other things. “Um, is there coffee?”

“Sure is, whole pot since we beat Jesse here,” Ben murmurs, beginning to pour. Jackson puts a warm hand on my knee as I open my eyes and force a smile to my lips, watching the pretty brown liquid splash into my cup.

I send a warm pulse of affection to Jacks and chat with Ben as I sip slowly at my coffee, giving my heart a minute to settle as Jackson digs into basically…everything on the table, even as he signals the waiter and orders mountains more. The waiter balks a bit, flicking his eyes to me to check and see if Jackson is actually serious about the amount of food that he’s ordering. I just shrug, kind of implying that my sweetheart mate, bottomless pit that he is, is of sound mind and probably wants precisely what he orders.

The waiter nods, a little stunned, but walks back towards the kitchens. As he does, my eyes move to the hall’s door to see Jesse walking in, his face stern and drawn. Rafe follows about twenty feet behind, looking pale and…

And god, devastated.

“What happened?” I breathe, looking up into Jesse’s face the moment he comes to the table.

“Nothing,” he snaps, sitting down next to Jacks and reaching for the coffee.

When I open my mouth to push he just glances at me, pleading and serious, for a long moment. And I shut my mouth, turning towards my brother as he comes to the table.

“Are you okay, Rafe?” I ask, watching carefully as he settles in next to Ben – as far from Jesse as he can get.

Rafe just nods, curt, and keeps his eye on his plate, not reaching for any food at all, his hands folded in his lap.

Ben gulps and looks at me, anxious.

Jackson just ignores everything, or doesn’t notice in the first place, tucking into the pile of food that’s delivered to his seat a few moments later.

“Shit,” Jesse murmurs, glancing at Jackson’s plate, I think forcing humor into his voice for the rest of us. “Can I have a bite?”

Jackson growls and wraps a protective arm around the plate, hunching over it. “Get your own.”

And I can’t help it – I laugh, even if I’m the only one at the table to do it.

The entire breakfast goes…precisely like that. Rafe quiet and still, Jesse drinking coffee and adding a quip or two, each of them half-hearted. Jackson just eats a rather astonishing amount of food while Ben and I chat quietly, picking at the scraps of the muffin basket that Jackson left behind. My poor Benny does his best, but not even he can drag my eyes away from the two empty seats across from me.

Because I know, if they were here, it would be different.

No part of me wants to see Luca right now, not really – but he was an important part of this group right from the start. What are we going to do without his brash comments, his swagger and cheer?

And Tony – he’d cut through all of this weird awkward silence between Rafe and Jesse, call everyone on their bullshit. He had such…courage.

Jackson stops eating when he senses my sadness, wiping his mouth and looking over at me. “Do you need to get out of here?” he asks quietly, meaning it – like he’ll drop everything, his entire day and lessons and responsibilities to go back to the room and sit with me if that’s what I want.

“No,” I sigh. “We have to get back to normal sometime.”

“Ari,” Ben asks, his odd tone drawing my attention back to him. “What even…is normal anymore for you?”

“Hmm?” I ask. I mean, I have no idea how to answer that question anyway, but what is he talking about?

“I mean, you’re not an Espionage Cadet anymore,” he says, screwing his face up. “And even if you were…you’re the only one here,” he casts out a hand towards the rest of the breakfast hall where, indeed, I see no familiar Espionage faces.

God, they must all be in Atalaxia.

Or…worse.

My heart sinks.

“So,” Ben continues. “What are your…classes?”

My eyes go wide. “I honestly don’t know.”

“We’ll take you to the Captain,” Rafe says, clearing his throat and speaking for the first time. “Get your new schedule. I imagine you’ll be with us.”

I nod, recognizing this, especially if I’m…on Command track now? I mean, is that even true? Am I…a Warrior cadet? My tongue sticks out a little involuntarily, because I don’t like that. I liked being espionage – I liked my studies, plus it was…cool.

“Well, looks like we don’t have to bring you anywhere,” Jesse says, slumping back in his chair and looking over my shoulder.

I turn, curious, my heart sinking when I see the Captain striding decidedly our way.

“Oh hell,” Jackson sighs, setting down his fork and turning grimly his way too. “What is this about?”

“You five,” the Captain barks out, looking around at our table. “With me. Now.”

“What’s going on?” Rafe asks, wary as he gets to his feet.

“You’ll find out in a moment,” the Captain snaps, turning away and expecting us all to fall in line behind him, which we do, with me at the center of the little group. “You have a call waiting for you.”

Rafe and I glance at each other, because we know that a call can only mean one thing.

Our parents have something to tell us.