Chapter 195

The experience of losing my father has been completely eye opening. There are so many things to consider once someone is gone, and it's something people don't really think about.

Although, I have a feeling not many eighteen-year old's are having to help plan some sort of memorial or funeral for their father by themselves.

Choosing not to host a traditional funeral seemed fitting to me. It was just him and me, and the thought of cremation resonated as the most intimate option. And I had the perfect idea on how to release my father.

Over the past few days as I prepared, slowly things got easier. I had come to terms with my father's passing, and realized that although I missed him, this was unfortunately how things must be.

He wasn't the greatest father, and he only chose to harm himself and me over and over again. Now, he didn't have any weight on his shoulders. He was free, and I wanted to offer him even more freedom from that pain.

Lucas and I currently sat in my car as faint music played over the speakers. The road stretched out before us as Lucas, and I drove to a town nestled a few hours away.

I had tried telling Lucas that he didn't need to come with me. The drive was a couple of hours, and it would take away most of his Saturday, but Lucas refused my attempts.

He had insisted on accompanying me, his support a silent reassurance that I wasn't navigating this emotional journey alone.

I couldn't shake the gratitude for Lucas's support beside me. It still amazed me how helpful he had been for the past few weeks.

Not once in that time had he made me feel anything less than loved. His love manifested not in grand gestures, but in the subtle, consistent ways he showed up for me.

He was gentle with me, allowing me to feel whatever I needed to, and do whatever I needed to.

He was incredibly patient and sympathetic with me, offering me help when I needed it. Usually, I just needed a hug from him. Some form of human contact.

Grandma Jo had also been wonderful, making sure I was constantly fed and happy.

I couldn't have asked for better people to surround myself with.

As he drove, I carefully cradled the urn containing my father's ashes in my hands. The mere weight of it served as a tangible reminder of the finality that awaited us at our destination.

I didn't want to think about it too much, so I looked away, trying to think of something else.

I realized that this was one of my coping mechanisms. I tried to suppress my feelings and it worked, but the numbness of pain remained. I wondered how long I would feel that way.

I knew we were near the town when I heard the call of seagulls and witnessed flocks of them in the blue sky. Memories began to resurface like gentle waves, carrying me back to a time when everything was right in the whole. Back to when my family was whole again.

My mother, father, and I would come to this beach town in the summer and spend the entire day in the sun. My father and I would build sandcastles then bury ourselves in piles of sand while my mother laughed and took photos of us.

The quaint beach town unfolded before us as Lucas drove further, its charm unchanged by the passage of time.

Knowing that this place was still intact even though so much had changed in my own life made me incredibly emotional. Here it all was, just as I had left it.

Tears welled up in my eyes, blurring the familiar sights that held echoes of joy and innocence.

This place reminded me of such simpler times, happier times. The beach had always been our haven and something in the air promised endless possibilities.

"This is a pretty cute town," Lucas commented as we watched people marching toward the beach with their swimsuits on. "How often would you guys come here?"

"We tried going every summer, sometimes we would go multiple weekends in a row." A pang of nostalgia mixed with sorrow gripped my heart. "That's why I couldn't hang out with you sometimes."

"I remember that," Lucas said with a faint smile. "You'd always come back with a sunburn on your cheeks."

That made me blush, remembering the little girl I once was.

I hadn't considered how coming back here would make me feel.

The images of my parents, once united on these shores, now felt like distant echoes of a happiness that had slipped away.

It was a pain unlike any other I had felt before, knowing that now, both of my parents were gone.

Losing my mother a year ago had been a shattering blow, and now, standing on the precipice of bidding farewell to my father, I felt the weight of profound loss.

These people, my family, our memories, would only remain in my thoughts forever.

Nobody else would be able to understand except for me. Nobody else would be able to recall it except for me.

That was the most tragic realization.

As Lucas parked by the shore, the sound of crashing waves became a comforting melody.

The beach was always able to relax me, and I instantly agreed that this was the perfect place for my father to rest.

Lucas, sensing the heaviness in the air, asked softly, "Where do you want to do this, Shana?"

My gaze fixed on the vast expanse of the ocean, its rhythmic dance mirroring the ebb and flow of emotions within me. "I'll throw them into the ocean," I replied, my voice barely a whisper. "But away from everyone else. I want him to have his own private spot."

"There's no body over there." Lucas pointed down the shore where it was secluded.

We got out of the car and walked to the water's edge, the sand beneath our feet warm and wet.

The feel of it sent me to a different place.

"Take your time," Lucas said softly as he gazed down at me.

I nodded, closing my eyes and allowing myself to be in the moment.

With trembling hands, I opened the urn, feeling the weight of finality in my hands.

"Dad," I said out loud, keeping my eyes closed. "Wherever you are, I want you to know that I... that I forgive you. I miss you so much and I wish I could see you again. I wish things didn't have to be this way. I'll never forget you and all of the great memories we share. I just hope you're doing okay. That's all I want."

As I released the ashes into the sea, I felt myself let go of a man who had been both flawed and loving.

I let my heart break and fold in on itself as the waves carried my father further into the ocean.

The sob that had been clawing at my throat finally found its release.

Lucas, pulled me into a comforting embrace, tightening his arms around me.

"Just breathe," he said quietly into my hair as I sobbed.

Together, we watched the waves carry a part of my father into the vast unknown.

It was a bittersweet farewell that now existed only in my memories.