Chapter 1

The summer I turned eighteen, Ethan took my virginity.

It hurt, but I lay awake all night, secretly happy. I thought my six-year crush had finally paid off.

Until the next day, when I stood outside the hockey team's locker room and heard the guys inside whooping.

"Damn, Captain, you finally slept with Ava."

I froze. I was about to slip away quietly when Ethan's careless voice drifted out:

"I want to go after Chloe, but she's the hottest Queen Bee in school, and she thinks I'm too inexperienced. So I'm practicing on Ava first."

I didn't say a word.

I didn't cry or make a scene.

I quietly logged into my account, withdrew my early application to the school in Boston, and applied to one in California, three thousand miles away.

————

Ethan's words hit me like lightning out of a clear sky.

My mind went completely blank.

The conversation in the locker room kept going. The guys seemed stunned for a second, then burst out laughing.

"Only you, man. But seriously, a good girl like Ava actually let you practice on her?"

"So what is she, then? A free FWB who just showed up at your door?"

Ethan laughed, unbothered. "Don't make it sound so ugly. It's not like she's losing anything, okay?"

Someone chimed right in. "Yeah, yeah. A cheerleader like Chloe is smoking hot, no question. But honestly, Ava's got a pretty nice body too..."

Ethan threw a hardcover book at him to shut him up. "It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. The mood was right. Besides, she looked like she was enjoying it..."

The others got it right away and started teasing him.

"Who knew Ava, looking all innocent, would be so wild behind closed doors?"

"Obviously. The captain's the star of the hockey team. She's probably wanted to jump you for years."

"When it's handed to you on a plate, you'd be stupid not to take it."

The laughter in the room got even louder.

I bit down hard on my lower lip and clenched my fists so tightly it took everything I had to stay on my feet instead of collapsing against the lockers.

Footsteps came down the end of the hallway. I snapped out of it and fled.

I ran into the nearest girls' bathroom and locked myself in a stall.

Ethan's words echoed around in my head, crushing what was left of my pride.

If I hadn't heard it with my own ears, I'd never have believed this was the same boy who had held me tight in the dark last night and kissed every inch of me.

So sex and love really were two different things. So when a man gets carried away in bed, every word out of his mouth is a lie.

The love I'd treated like treasure was nothing but a free joke to his friends.

I bit down hard on the back of my hand. I didn't even dare cry out loud. I was shaking all over.

A long time later, my phone buzzed. It was Ethan.

Get yourself an Uber home. I've got a party tonight, can't really bring you.

I didn't answer.

He sent another.

Don't forget to go to the pharmacy and get Plan B tomorrow morning. I'm busy today. Make sure you take it, okay? Good girl.

I stared at those two messages for a long time without moving.

From early evening the night before until almost dawn, he'd taken me again and again. In the end, we both collapsed on the bed, exhausted. Just as I was drifting off, he'd mumbled hoarsely in my ear, "We didn't use a condom last night. Remember to get the pill tomorrow."

At the time, I'd been so happy. I thought it meant he cared about me.

And now...

I just felt pathetically stupid.

I dug my nails into my palms, forced the tears back down, fixed my messy hair in the mirror, and walked out of the bathroom.

I didn't dare go to the pharmacy in town. I was afraid I'd run into someone I knew.

So I secretly ordered it on my phone.

After the delivery guy left the paper bag on the front steps of my house and drove away, I hid behind the door like a thief for a long time. I didn't dare open it and grab the bag until I was sure no one was outside.

I swallowed the pill with some water, and then it was like every bit of strength had been drained out of me. I sank down onto the rug in my bedroom.

Ever since my family moved in next door to Ethan's, I had followed him everywhere. Ten years.

I had never imagined a life without him. I'd never even dared to.

But from now on, it would just be me.

Outside the window, the streetlights in the neighborhood came on one by one, then went out again.

I don't know how much time went by before my best friend, Mia, FaceTimed me.

"Ava, why didn't you come to the party tonight? That bitch Chloe has been rubbing all over Ethan the whole time you weren't here. They're disgusting."

Mia flipped the camera around.

In a dim corner, Ethan and Chloe were sitting close together.

Chloe was wearing a crop top and a tight skirt, her legs so long they were dazzling.

They were leaning against the edge of the room with their heads close. Even through the screen, I could feel the heat between them.

A sharp pain went through my chest.

That afternoon he'd said he wanted to go after her. By that night, he already had her.

Some people were playing truth or dare. Chloe drew "do push-ups over a guy," and she needed to pick a guy to do it with.

Of course, Ethan stood up.

The cheering nearly blew the roof off.

Chloe lay on the rug, blushing, and Ethan braced himself over her and knocked out dozens of push-ups in a row.

At first, he was careful to keep some distance. But on the very last one, whether he ran out of strength or did it on purpose, he dropped his whole body right on top of her.

The screams were deafening.

With everyone cheering them on, Ethan bent his head and kissed Chloe.

They French-kissed like no one else was there, for three whole minutes before they broke apart.

For those three endless minutes, I stared at the screen. I forgot to breathe.

It felt like my heart was being ripped apart.

I wanted to cry, but I'd cried for so long that afternoon that my eyes were dry and aching. I didn't have a single tear left.

"See that? He's practically eating Chloe alive. He's obsessed." Mia sighed and turned the camera away, looking for a quiet corner.

"Don't hate me for being harsh. If you didn't see it with your own eyes, you'd never let go."

My throat felt like it was stuffed with sand. My voice came out dry and rough. "Yeah. I don't blame you."

The only one to blame was me, for being such an idiot for so many years.

I thought as long as I stayed by his side, that place would always be mine.

"I just can't stand him. He knows you've liked him for years, and he still strings you along. You saw it just now. I'm begging you, wake up. Don't let this jerk ruin college for you too..."

"I won't, Mia." I cut her off. My voice was so calm it scared even me.

"I've made up my mind. I'm going to the West Coast with you. But you have to keep it a secret for now."

To prove I wasn't joking, I opened my laptop right in front of her, withdrew my application to the school in Boston, and sent my file to the University of California instead.

Mia was so happy she almost jumped. She'd been begging me for three years to go to California with her.

But when we'd just started high school, Ethan and I had made a promise to go to Boston together.

That school had the hockey team he dreamed of playing for.

So even though I hated the East Coast's freezing winters, for three years I'd kept that school as my goal.

Both our families assumed that after graduation, we'd naturally end up together.

And now I couldn't find a single reason to go to Boston.

If I kept clinging to him the way I used to, I wouldn't even be able to respect myself.

All I wanted was to get as far away as I could, somewhere without Ethan.

If he was going to the East Coast, I'd go to the West Coast.

Before bed, I filled the tub with hot water. I wanted to scrub myself completely clean.

When I took off my clothes, my body was covered in the bruises he'd left the night before.

The images came flooding back.

The heat of his body. The sound of his breathing against my ear.

I shook my head hard, trying to shake the disgusting pictures out.

I grabbed the roughest bath brush I had and scrubbed my skin over and over until I was red all over and the skin broke and bled.

I wanted to scrub the memory right off me.

Ethan didn't send any more messages, of course. For six years we'd said goodnight to each other every night. Tonight, that ended.

I didn't fall asleep until almost dawn.

The next morning, I felt someone kiss my forehead.