Chapter 180

Much, much later, after Caleb ravaged me on the stairs again and then twice more in my bedroom, once we are relatively cleaned up, though I still carry his scent all over me, Caleb sits on the edge of my bed, staring at me as I recline there, jelly-like and sated.

We need to have a talk, and I know it’s coming. But still, I try to enjoy this moment while I can, the calm before the storm. My body thrums with the remnants of pleasure, so relaxed, so pleased.

Caleb always makes certain to satisfy my needs and then some in bed, even when he’s furious at me.

Right now, with the fiery way he’s continuing to look at me, I have no idea if I’m in for another round or a lecture.

“You need to explain to me exactly why you believe trading yourself for Tristan would be a reasonable idea,” he says, his voice low and dangerous.

I’m in for a lecture, then. I suppose I do have this coming.

Forcing myself to move, I push myself up to my elbows so I can more fully meet his gaze.

The truth is somewhat embarrassing, especially after Caleb’s most recent display of affection, bringing me to completion time and time again while withholding his own release until the very end.

He’s not going to like what I have to say, which is why I hesitate. But, after everything, he deserves to hear the truth from me himself, not whatever Bethany told him to get him to come after me.

“I want to feel useful,” I say.

“Useful?” he repeats with clear disbelief darkening his tone.

“I’m not doing any good here,” I say, hanging my head in shame. “Not for you. Not for Tristan. Not even for myself.”

“You’ve been useful,” Caleb says flatly, like his word is law. In most things, it is, but right now, he cannot convince me that my sitting around in this room all day waiting for him to come by makes me useful, no matter what he says, or how great the sex is.

“Honestly, Caleb. Can you really look at my life now and say I do anything of value?” I ask him. “With the rebellion brewing, I’ve been confined to my room. That’s fine, but what do I have to do? And what will I do once you are married, when I can’t even look forward to your company anymore?”

“It will only be for a little while,” Caleb insists.

“Even if it is,” I continue. “Even if you come to me every night. Is this all my life has become? I can’t stand with you publically. I can’t go to events or sit in on meetings anymore since Annabelle doesn’t want me there. How am I supposed to help anyone?”

“You help me,” Caleb says. “You being here, being safe, helps me. Having the ability to come to your room and lay with you whenever I please helps me.”

“It isn’t enough,” I say, my heart filling with regret. I care so greatly for Caleb. Being with him should be enough to satisfy me body and soul, but it just isn’t. I don’t regret my situation with Caleb, at least the good parts of it, I can’t live like this for the rest of my life.

“I am your King. Serving me should be enough.”

“I’m just a warm bed at this point, Caleb,” I tell him. I try to imagine myself saying these words to him months ago. I never would have had the nerve, if he even would have listened to me.

Our relationship has evolved so much over the past months. We’ve come to depend on each other, sharing things with each other that I never would have thought possible. Caleb, in his own way, has softened to me, showing me favoritism and affection.

Even now, his listening to my worries is so much more than I ever would have thought possible back then.

I wish, with all my heart, that this would be enough. But if I cannot be the most important woman in his life, the one to bear his children and stand at his side to protect him and guide him, then what am I doing here?

Can I simply allow my heart to be broken time and time again and pretend that everything is fine?

Caleb holds my gaze searchingly. I wonder how many of my concerns he can see in my face. “You are more than that, Harper.”

“I want to be,” I say. “But when it comes to being useful, to you and to myself, I have fallen short. My life as your bed-warmer is not nearly as important as Tristan’s is as your Beta. If I can exchange myself for him than –”

In a flash, Caleb pounces onto me on the bed. With his hands on my shoulders, he pins me down beneath him onto the mattress. Fury and anger wage war in his eyes.

“Stop speaking of yourself as if you are nothing,” he demands, the words coming out alongside a vicious, impatient growl. His fingers curl around me, biting into my skin. “You are not nothing.”

In times past, I would have been too cowardly to speak up when in this position, but my feelings for Caleb have made me bold. “I can’t just sit around waiting for you, Caleb. I need to live my own life and make my own choices.”

“No choices are worth your life,” he snaps.

“Isn’t that for me to decide?”

“No.” His word is firm, definitive. There’s no room for argument. I doubt he would hear me if I even tried.

So this time, I kept silence, as he crashed his lips back down onto mine.

Together, we lost ourselves for a while.

Caleb watches Harper sleep. She’s exhausted from their endeavors – something Caleb made sure of. If she was tired, she wouldn’t be able to try to run anymore.

Maybe he’d have to fuck her senseless every day and night, just to keep her from trying to flee from him.

When he distracted her with pleasure, he didn’t have to see the way her eyes filled with hurt. He didn’t have to face how truly unhappy she seemed to be now, with him. Here.

In the quiet moments before and after, however, he could see it.

His marriage continues to eat away at her. Does she truly think she is so powerless? Does she not realize that she is one of the most powerful women in the kingdom?

Her hold over him is intense. He would do anything to keep her safe.

Belatedly, he also realizes that he wants her to be happy as well. But how?

What did she say? She needs to feel useful?

Perhaps Caleb could think of a way to keep her so busy that she would not have time to wallow in this pity of hers any longer.

He wants Tristan back, but not at the cost of Harper. Tristan would agree with him. Harper is valuable, a rare gem who helps keep Caleb calm. She cannot be put at risk, no matter what she wants for herself.

Caleb just needs to find a way to help her realize her importance here.