Chapter 187

As I race back into the hallway, I think about returning to my room, but I don’t want to be idle anymore. Sitting around thinking is half of what got me into this mess. It’s what made me take such a foolish action as pouring my heart out to a man who has no capacity to accept it.

But just as I don’t want to be idle, neither do I want to head to the Hall, where I will be forced to watch the man I love marry another woman. I don’t care what Kira threatened, I absolutely cannot sit through this wedding.

I have to go somewhere else.

I know the palace is likely heavily guarded today. I won’t be able to slip out into the capital for any kind of relief. Wherever I go to hide has to be on palace grounds.

My feet lead me to the gardens. Some of the guests have congregated there. I dart past them quickly, moving deeper into the flowers, eager to lose myself in their beauty and their smell.

For a few moments, it works. I close my eyes and pretend I’m somewhere else. A meadow, perhaps, covered in wildflowers.

Maybe there’s a little farmhouse there.

Maybe my husband is catching fish down at the river. When he returns, we’ll have a feast.

We’ll laugh and share kisses as we retreat up the stairwell to our little bedroom. There, we’ll fall into each other’s arms, making love until the rooster cries and it’s time to wake up and do it all over again.

It would be a simple life, but a good life, shared with the person that I love.

Maybe someday, we would fill the house with children. I could learn to sew and mend all the worn out knees in their pants and the holes in their socks.

Things might be difficult sometimes. Maybe the harvest would fail or the fish would dry up. But we would have a house full of love, and with it and because of it, we would find a way forward. I’d walk to town if I had to, take a job.

I wouldn’t care. So long as I had the family I wanted and the man I loved working hard beside me.

Such a nice little dream. It makes me smile, even as, at the same time, a tear slides out from under my eye and slips down my cheek.

I don’t want to cry anymore. I’ve cried so much already, leading up to this day. What good have tears ever done for me? They have not convinced me to give up Caleb. Nor have they helped me convince Caleb to give up Annabelle.

If I allow myself to cry every time I feel this way, I know I will be condemned to a lifetime of crying. Yet, even knowing that, I cannot force my heart to harden. It remains soft for Caleb, as it has for some time.

In the beginning, when I first knew him, perhaps I could approach this moment while feeling nothing. But those moments are gone. Since then, we’ve evolved. Together, facing hardship after hardship, our feelings have grown, mine at a much faster rate than his.

These dreadful feelings have been doomed from the start.

If only my feelings had somewhere to go. I wish I could tear them out of myself and start fresh. If I wouldn’t have to know this kind of pain then…

“…we wait for the vows…”

“…after the vows. How can you forget already?”

“I haven’t forgotten. I’m just nervous.”

“What’s there to be nervous about? It’s just regicide.”

My eyes snap open. Those whispers are coming from just the other side of these flowers. I inch closer, leaning in to hear.

“Come on, man. Don’t lose your nerve now. We’re here. We’ve infiltrated. We’ve worked for months to get to this moment. And now you want to throw all that hard work away because you are nervous?”

“Yeah, but…”

“What would Samuel say? And the rebellion? You owe them this service, man. You owe the entire kingdom. We’ll be heroes, when this is done.”

“We’ll be dead.”

“All part of the job.”

I inch even closer. Slowly, I slip my hands into the flower brush and gently start to part them.

Through the small hole I made, I see three guards: one nervous, the other annoyed, and the third, with his arms crossed, listening silently.

“I don’t want to die,” the nervous one says.

“It’s far too late for that,” the annoyed one retorts. “You are such a chicken shit.”

“Enough,” says the silent one, his voice deeper and harsher than the other two. The leader perhaps? I don’t recognize any of them, even though they don the armor of the royal guard.

They said they infiltrated. They don’t belong here, then. Rebels.

Assassins.

“We all made a vow when we agreed to this mission,” the silent one continues. “If you fail that vow, you will not be welcome back among the rebels.”

“T-they’ll understand,” the nervous one says.

“You don’t get it, kid,” says the annoyed one. “Your life is forfeit. It was over when you agreed to this. Even if you go back a coward and a failure, Samuel will have you hanged as a traitor.”

“We’ve said too much,” the silent one speaks once more.

“He’s right. Let’s get into position.” The annoyed one looks at the nervous one. “Are you in or are you out?”

The nervous one shuffles on his feet, but stills when the annoyed one takes out a dagger.

“I-I’m in!” the nervous one says quickly.

Together they shuffle off. I take in as much as I can about their appearances, wanting to be able to identify them. Then, when they’ve gone, I start running.

When I reach the outside entrance to the Hall, most of the guests have already entered. I try to enter to, desperate to warn Caleb what I’ve heard, but Kira intercepts, stepping directly into my path.

Placing a hard hand on my shoulder, she shoves me back so that I’m no longer blocking the door.

“You haven’t changed from this terrible servant garb,” Kira says. “If you’ve only come here to start trouble –”

“We have to talk to Caleb,” I say. “I just overheard some guards talking and they were saying –”

“Do not talk over me,” Kira says. Her eyes flashing with annoyance.

“Please, you have to listen. I overheard some of the guards. They are plotting something and –”

“Foolishness,” Kira snaps. “You come here only to make everything more difficult. Dressed as you are, you are a disgrace to the entire harem. The other girls are here in their finest gowns, while you show up looking as if you are about to start scrubbing floors.”

“You aren’t listening –”

“No, you aren’t listening, Harper. You are a disgrace and you are not welcome in this Hall or at this event. Return to your room and cower in your self-inflicted misery if you must, but do not dare to tarnish this moment for Caleb and Annabelle.”

“But I --!”

I hear the loud crack before I feel the pain on my cheek.

Kira just slapped me.