Chapter 119

Guilt - because the sound of Jack’s name - even on the lips of Kadeem, who I love - makes my stomach flutter and an inexplicable longing courses through me.

I am so thankful Kadeem can’t witness this bewildering tumble of emotions, so relieved that I’m hidden from his ever-observant gaze. He would read me like a book, deciphering me, as he always has, and I wouldn’t even know how to explain this tangled maelstrom inside of me. I would have no excuse for it. An explanation doesn’t even seem to exist!

“Honestly, Ardal?” He sounds hesitant.

God, he’s got such a spider sense.

“Scout’s Honor,” I say, clearing my throat. “Why are you asking me this?”

Kadeem leaves my question untouched. I hear an urgency come over his tone. “If there’s any sign of him, promise you’ll tell me?”

I bring my other leg up to my chest. My cheeks are beginning to burn. “I mean - you don’t have anything to worry about, you know?”

I take a short breath, my words almost a reminder to myself. “It was never him I wanted. It’s always been you.”

And that is true as gravity - no matter the butterflies climbing the walls of my stomach.

Kadeem’s silent for a moment. I wonder what he’s thinking and if he’s parsing me out.

“Ditto,” he says quietly, before redirecting us back to the point. “But, it’s not that, Ardal. I trust you in that way-“

I frown, instantly hot with indignation. “You’re implying there are other ways you don’t trust me?”

“Just hush for a minute,” he orders, cutting me off. “Let me finish and then you can counter what I say. It’s not about being jealous. I’m concerned about your safety.”

“Oh,” I let out, feeling a little abashed at first - and then confused by Kadeem’s over-caution.

“I’m not pretending he’s not problematic,” I say, “But you don’t have to worry about my safety. I’m not so naive that I would let him sway me into anything foolish - again.” I chuckle darkly.

“Look, honey,” Kadeem begins, his term of endearment melting me a little - before, that is, he continues on.

“I know you never believed me when I told you he was up to some bad stuff,” he says, “But he was, and I’m telling you-“

“Kadeem,” I press, agitation sparking. “I was with him that entire night in the forest. I met his sister. So, what he told me turned out to be true. It wasn’t some giant trap, or whatever you think.”

I grip my hand tighter around the phone and try - but fail - to steady my breathing. “He tried everything he could to save me, and bring me to you, so-“

“Ardal-“

“Jack just wanted to help Erbao - and going through this nightmare and almost losing Erbao this week, I can sure as hell see why!”

“Ardal,” Kadeem says, his voice gentler as he hears mine break.

Why am I so upset? Tears are springing to my eyes and my heart is racing.

“So,” I press, “He’s not a villain. He’s just not. He helped save my life. He could have left me at any point - he could have fed me to the vampires - but he didn’t. He’s good,” I say. “I don’t care what you think.”

Kadeem sighs softly over the line. Before he can try to calm me, I click off, then power down my whole phone with shaking fingers.

How dare he? Why can’t he just let. It. Go?

I storm back to Erbao’s room and attempt to settle down onto the so-called ‘fluffy cloud’ couch. Laughable, considering it’s the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever slept on in my life.

Secure from more phone calls from Kadeem in the dead zone, I power my phone back on so I can play a supernatural podcast series I downloaded about the history of and the search for mermaids (By the way, they’re real!).

To my annoyance, I must catch a flicker of a signal, because a text from Kadeem appears on my screen.

“Be careful. I love you.”

I growl and delete his entire text thread.

But…

I just can’t stay mad at Kadeem for long, nor do I want to try. Life feels a lot more fragile to me now. It’s really not worth getting huffy and waiting for him to beg my forgiveness.

Not that it wouldn’t be satisfying!

I opt to ignore him through the night, but when he calls the next day, I answer promptly.

“Erbao’s coming home,” I say cheerily, before he has a chance to even greet me with a ‘hello.’ “Will you come over? Maybe around 1?”

Kadeem seems at a loss for words. “Who is this,” he asks finally, playing confused.

I roll my eyes and heave a sigh. He’s ready for a D-List movie.

“There’s this girl I have the hots for,” he continues slowly, as though he’s befuddled. “She sounds like you, but she’s got a bit of a temper, and a long memory, if you know what I mean.”

“Ha-ha,” I say flatly, gritting my teeth. “Will you be there or not?”

A bright voice breaks out of the static on the line. “Oh, Ardal, it is you!”

I groan while he laughs. “I’m hanging up now, Kadeem.”

When Kadeem shows up, emerging like a conquering hero and surrounded by the reverent entourage of children, Julia and I are in the kitchen. I sit at the table while she stands at the stove and finishes cooking lunch for us.

When I was back at the hospital, she was busy restocking us with groceries. The sight of it when I returned filled me with both an enormity of gratitude for her… and a keen sense of loathing at myself.

It’s immediately tense between her and Kadeem. He walks into the kitchen, tagged by the quints who are hanging on to his hands, legs, shirt, and every word.

Julia gives him a small, reluctant smile as she shakes in some dried parsley from a bottle I keep in the spice cabinet. I stand up to start getting the bowls down from the cabinet next to her.

Kadeem sighs softly and shoots me a knowing glance.

“Jules,” he says, struggling to untangle himself from Milo clinging to his ankle. “I don’t know what all Ardal told you, but unfortunately, all my memories of our cherished time together came back to me.”

He finally grabs hold of Milo’s squirming body as Milo squeals happily. Kadeem bends down further to pry Milo off. “We’ll just have to jump right in-“ He pauses at the final yank, his voice straining slightly, “Where we left off.”

“Get off of him, Milo,” I say, watching Milo laugh as his fingers go like claws for Kadeem again. I shoo him away.

“Oh, you don’t want that,” Julia says, narrowing her eyes at Kadeem. “Because I remember exactly where we left off, and I’m protective of Ardal, and I will-“

“Julia.” I cut her off with an elbow to the side, almost knocking the wooden spoon out of her hand as she stirs the bubbling concoction over the stove.

“Fine,” she grumbles, but gives me a warning look before turning back to switch off the burner.

Kadeem collapses into a kitchen chair and rolls his eyes. “I’m feeling right at home. Knew I could count on you.”

She huffs a sigh and stirs aggressively while I dig in the drawers for the soul ladle. Kadeem turns back to the kids who have begun zooming around the table, climbing underneath it, and rolling on the ground - spastic due to the momentary deprivation of his attention.

I was hoping Kadeem and Julia might simply fall back to their less intense jabs and catty bickering - like life before my marriage fell apart, but no. Apparently, some things will never be forgiven.

Hell hath no fury like the best friend of a woman scorned.

But although they won’t talk other than to trade some caustic, biting insults, it doesn’t get under my skin like it normally would. My mind gets preoccupied with something else.

Because I cannot stop looking at Kadeem.

He’s really here, and he knows me - and loves me, all the same.

His dark eyes are bright with joy, and he fits right in with the silliness of the kids, and gives as good as he gets with Julia’s sass.

It’s like my past, present, and future have collided and I feel finally less disparate after years of internal division.

Everything’s becoming woven together… and, oh my goddess, but do I want Kadeem. His dark features, easy smile, and Roman statuesque body start to drive me mad.

Finally, I can’t take it anymore. While the kids run around outside, I shoot Kadeem a furtive glance for him to follow me into the house.

“Be right back, Jules,” I say, hoping my strained voice doesn’t give me away.

Silas and Ezra race in behind us, nearly mowing me down.

“Cut out the running,” I shout after them.

But they’ve already flown into their room, talking boisterously while they gather up some of their toys to take outside.

I shake my head and grab Kadeem’s hand, yanking him into my bedroom.

I lock the door as soon as we get inside and lean against it, blocking him from exiting while he looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

I flutter my eyelashes in jest, and my voice is teasing and light, but Kadeem flushes a little when I say it:

“I’m seducing you.”