What If We Love Again?

SEPTEMBER 2023

ANISE POV

I braced myself and walked ahead to the door, before knocking lightly. I asked myself if I knocked lightly because I was nervous, or because the right thing to do wasn’t to go hitting hard on people’s doors.  After a few seconds, I knocked again and waited to be answered. Finally, the door opened to reveal Jake, and I could tell he was more shocked than surprised to see me.

“Anise?” he uttered, his voice barely audible. It was clear that my unexpected presence had caught him off guard. I could see the wheels turning in his mind, trying to comprehend why I was standing at his doorstep.  I had left for years before making this decision. He probably thought he wasn’t going to see me again for the rest of his life. Little did he know I was here to torment him in the worst possible way. I wasn’t happy about that, but I had no choice as well. I couldn’t keep my daughter away from her father any longer.

I took a deep breath, gathering my thoughts as I looked into his eyes. There was a myriad of emotions swirling within me, but determination fueled my words. “ Hey.” I smiled, but he couldn't bring himself to reciprocate it. Instead, he asked the question I had been expecting, though not so quickly.

“ What are you doing here?” He asked.  Even in his state of shock, I still couldn’t help but notice how broader his shoulders had become. How he appeared taller, and the way he towered over me, made me feel so small.

“yeah…ermmmm..I ermm….”

“Anise, just tell me what the problem is.” He rushed out impatiently, looking back to see if someone was coming. Was there a woman in his house?  Why was he acting so fidgety?

He stepped aside, feeling the need to be lenient, and silently invited me into his home.

We settled into the living room, the atmosphere heavy with unspoken words and unresolved emotions. I began to carefully put my words together. Wondering the right time to let them out. I knew I had a lot to say but that was before I showed up at his doorstep unexpectedly. Now, my words began to fail me making it difficult to start a conversation.

“ why did you leave?” He asked with his gaze fixed on me. His words hung in the air, heavy with longing and a hint of pain. I searched his eyes, seeing the raw vulnerability within them, and I knew that I owed him an honest answer.

Taking a deep breath, I gathered my thoughts and began to speak, my voice trembling slightly. I shared the reasons behind my departure and the complexities of life that had led me down a different path.  I spoke of the internal battles I had fought, the doubts and fears that had consumed me.

“well….. I had been away.” I sniffled, letting one stray tear fall. “ I had been away because I felt I didn’t deserve to be here, I was away because I had lost it all; my mother, my father, my brother, and myself in the process. I had nothing left for me here. I feel so sad that you weren’t present to watch and see your daughter grow.

The room seemed to spin as the weight of my revelation settled upon us. The silence was deafening, broken by the sound of our ragged breaths. I could see the storm of emotions raging within him.  and I braced myself for his response.

“what?….. I have a child?” He exclaimed, his voice filled with pain and hurt. I nodded with my heart aching from the pain I had caused.  Olivia is five years old. I had her a few months after I left.

Jake’s face contorted with anger, confusion, and a hint of longing. He took a step back, his hands trembling as he tried to process the magnitude of the news. “ How… how could you keep this from me?” He whispered with tears glistening in his eyes.

Tears streamed down my face as I reached out to him. “I thought I was protecting you, protecting our daughter. I didn’t want to burden you with my struggles, my pain. I wanted to give Olivia a chance at a better life and with your job, you already had a lot on your plate.”

“my work does not have anything to do with my child or my responsibilities as a father, Anise. If you so claimed to be what she needs, where were you all these years? Huh? You kept my child away from me and expected me to be happy about it? How am I even sure that she’s mine in the first place.” He screamed in my face and I tried my best to keep the tears at bay.

“oh please! don’t be ridiculous, Jake. You think I would come all the way to make up lies about my child.. your child?” I scoffed.

“I never kept her away from you intentionally. Life got complicated, and I made mistakes. Jake, I never thought anyone would mean so much to me as much as Olivia does. I love her and I realized that trying to keep her away from you is not the best. She has been asking about her father and I can’t keep avoiding her questions anymore. I’m so sorry Jake. I am. I know I can’t change the past but I am here now, ready to make amends. I want you to be there for our daughter. To make up for lost time. I want you to be the parent she deserves.”

“Oh, so if she had not kept asking of her father you wouldn’t be here right now? Was it even your intention to be here? Five years! And you are just  telling me?”  He said with rage written all over him.

“ I am going to get full custody of my child, no matter what it takes.” Anise, you need to leave”

“Jake, I only came here for us to discuss rationally. Not for you to steal my child. I know I was wrong to keep this from you for so long but you need to understand…..”  I managed to say before Jake interrupted.

“understand what? You? What is there to understand? That you kept my child away from me for five years! Five good years, Anise. Please leave, I do not want to lose my temper.”