Chapter 130

I shouldn't be brooding. It was ridiculous to be brooding, and yet I was. Maya had been kind. Honest. There was nothing about her that made me want to hate her, and that—more than anything—stung the most.

Because I wanted to.

I wanted to resent her. To blame her. To wish her away so I could keep being furious about Tyler and everything he’d done. I wanted more people to blame for this whole situation, and yet I couldn't. It would have been nice if she had been involved, if she'd known this entire time. But she was right. I couldn’t hate her, couldn't blame her. She was thoughtful and decent and heartbreakingly honest, and she was hurting too.

And somewhere, deep down, I hated that he had found someone good.

He didn’t deserve her. You deserve someone like Vivian.

I sank onto the bench in the shower, letting the water pour over me, trying to shut the thoughts off. But they kept swirling, relentless.

What would’ve happened if Maya had come first? If farther back in the timeline, Maya had been in Tyler's life? Would Tyler have been better? Would he have changed before I had even gotten involved?

Or would it all be the same?

Why did he still get to have a bond, even after everything?

It wasn’t fair.

I sighed, closing my eyes again.

There was a knock on the bathroom door. I blinked.

“Renee?” Arielle’s voice filtered through the door. “You decent?”

“I’m in the shower.”

“Perfect,” she said, ignoring the obvious implication that maybe it wasn’t the best time. A second later, the door creaked open, and she sauntered in with a bottle of wine.

She sat on the toilet, completely unfazed by my nakedness behind the glass. My cousin had no sense of boundaries.

“Your guard told me you met with Tyler’s mate,” she said, pouring a generous amount of wine into two glass tumblers. “And that SOS signal was troubling. What gives?”

I groaned and rubbed at my temple. “I didn’t send an SOS.”

“Then your bodyguard did.” She passed me the wine. “Which is worse. So talk.”

“She’s nice,” I said. “Really nice.”

“That doesn’t explain the panic.”

“I don’t know!” I snapped. “Maybe it was just weird. Talking about… mate bonds and feeling jealous and confused and also guilty for not hating her.”

Arielle made a sympathetic noise and sipped her wine.

“I mean,” I went on, “she talked about what it’s like to be bonded. And I want that." My eyes burned. "I want that… security. But I also hate it because Tyler doesn’t deserve her, and I do deserve someone, and I’m terrified that I won't… And he will…"

I could hear it in Maya's voice that she was already breaking. The weight of the bond, what it meant to them, what it meant to her, her entire relationship---I wouldn't give it more than a few months before they were cautiously seeing each other again. Less than a year before they were officially back together. Less than a year before, he was happy again, though, he didn't deserve it.

And me? I was still in limbo with Dominic and Neil, and no closer to feeling that so deep resonance she talked about. What if it wasn't Dominic or Neil? What if it was somebody else entirely, and I was just wasting my time? What if I ended up hurting them? What if it was only one of them and then I'd have to choose?

Arielle’s gaze slid down my shoulder to my chest. Her brow furrowed.

“Renee,” she said slowly. “When did that mark get there?”

I frowned and looked down.

It had definitely changed. It had been more of a Crescent before. Now it was different. It was a scythe. A sharp curve with a hollow circle above it, shining faintly silver against my skin.

It matched the mark I’d seen on Neil’s back. Exactly.

My heart dropped into my stomach.

“I—what—”

Arielle’s mouth twisted into smile. “Looks like the Goddess has officially assigned your seat in the cosmic triad of fate.”

I blinked at her. “The what?”

She sipped again, lazily. “I'm sure your boyfriends will explain it all to you. Too long, didn't read version. Denmark is one of three marks of the goddess's sovereignty, and the fact that it's over your heart means that you are fated to be in that triad.”

She drained her glass. " Hopefully that means you'll stop worrying about whether or not you have a faded maid, or what that's supposed to mean. I could really get you down, you know?" She would go to eyebrows. " Maybe, just maybe, that means you'll get one of those handsome men into bed soon."

"Arielle!"

She shrugged and stood up. " Here, I thought it was serious. Now I'm kind of bored I'm gonna get Dev to make me something delicious. Feel free to join us. Or not." She paused. "For food, anyway."

"I had no intention of joining you for anything else!"

Neil

Sleep wasn’t happening.

Not tonight.

I sat at my desk in the Blackfang house, the glow from my laptop reflecting off the papers I was ignoring. The screen displayed some finalized reports for my father’s trade council review. This was all stuff I normally finished in record time, but my thoughts were hazy at best. My body was restless. My magic even worse.

Maybe catching lightning had been a good idea for my magical reserves, but they weren't doing anything for my anxiety. The vial of potion burned a hole in my chest pocket. I drummed my fingers against the woodgrain surface, trying not to growl at the cursor blinking back at me. I’d run a dozen simulations for a new agricultural rotation for the northern sector. I wasn’t even on that committee. I was just occupying myself.

I was grateful that Dad let me occupy myself whenever I needed to. And my brothers weren't so in their feelings about being the eldest or whatever, that they begrudged me this. Especially when I needed to avoid thoughts.

Avoid the spiral of concerns weighing on my chest.

Renee.

Renee and Dominic.

Renee and her fear.

My fear.

Her expression just before I walked out of my bedroom, leaving her with Dominic, the other day had stuck with me. The way she looked at me after she saw the mark.

The space between us was killing me. But I knew this was space that I was putting up between us.

The door creaked.

I didn’t even look up. “Get out, I’m busy.”

“Wow, hostile,” Ian said, sauntering into the room like he owned it. To be fair, it was his office. “Is this how you treat your eldest brother who has only ever cared about you and respected your need to brood?"

I scoffed. "Shouldn't you be flirting with someone's date? Trying to get yourself into Luna Mountainhowl's harem, perhaps?"

He hissed at that. " I don't think I can make it. She has certain requirements of her men and I don't really find men attractive."

" Don't knock it till you try it."

He shuddered. " I'll leave that to the more adventurous of us. No, thank you." He pulled out the chair across from me and sat down backward, arms slung over the backrest, chin resting on one of them. “Dad sent me to check on you.”

“I’m fine.”

He studied me for a long beat. “You look like you'd rather be out punching trees. We have a few on the southern section that need to be cleared if you'd like."

“Go away.”

Ian didn’t. “You and your girlfriend not talking?"

“Not really your business.”

He shrugged. “Maybe not. But when your eyes go all crimson and you start muttering to yourself, the family gets concerned.”

I slammed my laptop shut. “Ian—”

“You love her.”

I froze.

He raised a brow. “I mean, obviously. Your magic’s practically pulsing through the house. That mark is practically glowing and has been for the past few days and you didn't go to work or school. Haven't seen you this worked up in a long time and the last time we had to replace half the house."

I grimaced at that memory. "That wasn't entirely my fault."

"Point stands that Dad's not really looking forward to a new renovation or remodel or relocation right now. So what's happening? Can't you go over and apologize or grovel at the rest of us?" His eyes twinkled. "It might not be on brand for the whole Bearer of Wrath bit, but it'll be fine, I think. I think the goddess would forgive you just a few moments of being… not chosen and upright. She loves love and all that."

“It’s not that simple.”

“No, it is that simple. But you’re complicating it. You’re scared she’s going to pick Dominic. And you're kind of waffling on how you feel about also maybe wanting to pick Dominic. It's really quite simple."

Ian tilted his head. “Do you want to fix it?”