This Time, I Refuse the Crown

I once believed becoming Empress would prove I was worthy.

Instead, the crown cost me my sister, my children, my freedom, and finally my life.

Reborn before my marriage was decided, I refused to repeat the same mistake. I stepped aside for my sister and accepted an engagement to Prince Rui—the empire’s charming, notoriously unambitious second prince.

He promised we could remain husband and wife in name only.

Then he fought my brother for hurting me, stayed beside me through a deadly fever, and offered to set me free when he thought I loved someone else.

For the first time, losing the crown felt like winning my life.

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The room went silent.

Mother stared at me as though I had spoken in a stranger's voice.

My brother slowly set down his teacup. "What are you plotting now?"

He turned to Mother before I could answer. "Don't let her fool you. Suying has wanted rank and splendor since she could walk. She doesn't surrender anything without a reason."

They had every reason to doubt me.

At the family academy, I had to write the best essays and compose the finest poems. I practiced music, chess, calligraphy, and painting until my fingers cramped. If Wan learned one dance, I learned three. If she received praise, I found a way to earn more.

The first time Mother proposed that I marry Prince Rui, I had lost my temper in this very room.

"Why does Wan get to become Empress while I am sent away as the wife of an idle prince?" I had demanded. "I surpass her in everything. Why do you always give her the best?"

It had been the same all through our childhood. Imperial gifts, imported perfume, lessons from famous ladies—everything went to Wan first.

I had learned that if I wanted anything, I had to make myself impossible to ignore.

The lesson had begun before I could read.

When I was six, Father returned from court with two carved jade pendants. The better one was pale green and clear enough to catch the light. The other had a cloudy vein through its center. He gave the clear pendant to Wan because she was the eldest and handed the cloudy one to me as though the difference required no explanation.

I asked to trade.

Mother told me not to be greedy.

Wan stood beside her, silent, the green jade warm in her palm. She did not gloat. That almost made it worse. If she had laughed at me, I could have hated her cleanly. Instead she looked uncomfortable and waited for the adults to decide what was fair.

They always decided that fairness meant I should understand.

At eight, when a famous calligrapher praised one of my practice sheets, my brother examined it and said Wan's handwriting had more grace. I stayed awake for three nights copying the same passage until my wrist swelled. At ten, I learned an entire dance after hearing Mother say Wan moved beautifully. At twelve, I memorized court genealogies because the Empress had once complimented Wan's memory.

No one ordered me to do any of it. That was the cleverness of my family. They gave Wan the clear jade and waited for me to exhaust myself proving I deserved one too.

Whenever I succeeded, Mother sighed with relief, as if my achievement merely prevented an embarrassing scene. Whenever I failed, my brother said the failure proved why Wan had been chosen first.

I did love my sister. There had been winter nights when we slept beneath the same quilt and whispered until dawn. When I fell from a tree, she tore her skirt to bind my bleeding arm. When she was frightened by thunder, she came to my room and pretended she had only wanted to borrow a book.

But affection did not stop resentment from growing between us. Every gift placed in her hands became a question directed at me: Are you good enough to take this too?

By fifteen, I no longer knew how to want something quietly.

Her marriage to Zhao Jing was not yet settled. The Empress was still considering the daughters of several great houses, searching for the perfect Crown Princess.

I had spent months making sure she saw me.

Now I lowered my eyes and repeated, "I am willing to marry Prince Rui."

Mother's shoulders loosened. "I told you it was an excellent match. His Majesty and the Empress adore their younger son. You would live far more comfortably as Prince Rui's wife than as Crown Princess."

"I know."

Her relief brightened into excitement. She ordered a carriage at once, eager to carry my answer to the palace.

When she left, my brother blocked the door.

"Mother is easy to deceive. I'm not." His mouth curved with contempt. "You think retreating will make everyone chase after you."

I brushed a crease from my sleeve. "You're right."

He smiled, certain he had exposed me.

"You've spent months pleasing the Empress. You lowered yourself, performed every task, and made her believe no other girl could be a better Crown Princess. She has nearly chosen you already." He leaned closer. "Do you expect me to believe you can walk away from the wealth of the imperial family?"

In my first life, I could not.

That was why I knew exactly how expensive it was.