Choosing UCLA, Leaving Him

Jade's POV

The bonfire was dying out when Noah grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the group. Most people had already gone back to their tents, and the counselors were doing their final headcount near the main lodge. We walked through the dark woods to the camping area, and I swear my heart was going to explode out of my chest.

"Come on," he said, his voice low as he led me toward his tent.

I'd imagined this moment for six years. Six entire years of being his best friend while secretly wanting more, of listening to him talk about other girls and pretending it didn't kill me, of watching him date half the school while I waited for him to notice me. And now it was actually happening.

We got inside the tent and he kissed me before I could even catch my breath. "I've been waiting for this, Jade," he said between kisses.

He's been waiting for me.

What happened after that was everything I'd dreamed. His hands were gentle, and he kept saying things I'd waited so long to hear. Afterwards we stayed curled up together in his sleeping bag, my head on his chest while I listened to his breathing even out.

"Stay with me," he said, pulling me closer.

I would ever leave. I'd already decided I was going to Boston with him, giving up my UCLA acceptance and the Regents Scholarship because what was film school in California compared to being with him every single day? I'd convinced myself.

I guess I fell asleep for a little while because when I woke up, the tent was darker and Noah wasn't next to me anymore. I reached over and the sleeping bag was empty where he'd been, still kind of warm but definitely empty.

He probably just went to pee or something. But I was way too hyped up to go back to sleep. My whole body felt electric. I grabbed my iPad from next to the sleeping bag and figured I'd watch Parks and Rec or something random until he got back.

The screen lit up and immediately there were like twenty iMessage notifications flooding the top. I stared at them, confused for a second, until I realized whose account was logged in.

Noah's.

Right. Yesterday he'd borrowed my iPad to send some registration form to his mom because his phone died. He logged into his Apple ID and I guess he forgot to log back out.

I was going to just swipe the notifications away because obviously they weren't for me, but then I saw what the group chat was called. "The Boys." That was Noah's friend group with Jake and Marcus and some other guys from school.

Jake: "Dude where are you? Bonfire's still going"

Noah: "Handling something. Be there in 5"

Marcus: "Ohhhhh I see you👀 Finally sealed the deal with Jade?"

My stomach did this weird flip. Sealed the deal. That was a weird way to put it, but whatever, guys talked like that, right?

Noah: "Yeah lol. Had to get it done before school starts"

Had to get it done?

My hands started shaking but I kept reading. I knew I should stop, I knew I should just close the stupid app and pretend I never saw any of this, but I couldn't. I scrolled up to earlier messages.

Noah (last night, 9 PM): "Boys, tonight's the night. Wish me luck"

Jake: "Finally gonna tap that? Took you long enough bro"

Tap that. Oh god, I was going to throw up.

Noah: "Gotta practice somewhere before I go after Madison. Can't look like a virgin in front of her"

Everything stopped. The tent, the woods outside, my heartbeat, everything just stopped completely. I read it again. And again. Practice. Madison. Practice before Madison.

Marcus: "LMAO so Jade's your training wheels?"

Noah: "Pretty much. She's been following me around since middle school, easiest target. And get this—she's giving up UCLA for me. Regents Scholarship and everything"

I couldn't breathe. The words kept swimming in front of my eyes and I had to blink like five times to make sure I was actually reading this correctly.

Marcus: "Bro what? UCLA film school with a full ride? That's literally her dream"

Jake: "Damn she's whipped. Girl's gonna end up at BU just to follow you around"

Noah: "Exactly. That's how I know she's not going anywhere. Perfect safety net"

The iPad almost fell out of my hands. Training wheels. Easiest target. Safety net. Those words kept repeating in my head over and over and I wanted to scream but I couldn't make any sound come out.

I kept scrolling because apparently I'm a masochist who needed to see exactly how stupid I'd been.

Noah (from last week): "Jade keeps asking about dorm assignments. So clingy"

Marcus: "Then why you still stringing her along?"

Noah: "Backup plan bro. If Madison doesn't work out, at least I have Jade. She's not going anywhere"

Tears were pouring down my face now and I bit down on my lip so hard I tasted blood.

Footsteps outside. Slow footsteps crunching through leaves and getting closer to the tent.

He was coming back.

I basically threw the iPad away from me and squeezed my eyes shut, rolling onto my side away from where he'd be. My heart was pounding so loud. The tent zipper opened.

"You awake?" Noah whispered.

I didn't move at all. Didn't even breathe.

He got into the sleeping bag behind me and put his arm around my waist like it was the most natural thing in the world. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck and it made my skin crawl.

"Sweet dreams, Jade," he said.

I lay there in the dark with my eyes clamped shut while tears soaked into the pillow. He fell asleep pretty quickly and started breathing all slow and deep, but I couldn't sleep at all. Not even for a second. Every time I closed my eyes I saw those messages.

Six years. I wasted six entire years of my life on someone who thought I was just practice. Someone who laughed about me giving up my actual dreams to follow him around. Someone who knew I'd do anything for him and used that to keep me around as his backup option.

How could I be so incredibly stupid?