MY SECRET DESIRES

Maya.

Owning a bakery was a nice fantasy, a pretty shop with flowers at the lobby all blue and white,with decorative cakes sitting in the display.It was supposed to be a creative outlet and the fulfilment of a dream. The reality was of course much different. Maya's bakery was my slave ship. There was the baking and the cleaning. A steady stream of customers, and a monumental mouth of dishes that kept me up late at night. If I allowed my self to rest I couldn't be able to make money

People would stop coming and I would end up losing money and I would be left with small Business loan that I couldn't pay. I knew the risk I was taking with the bakery when I opened it I had planned through everything. That was the only reason I could survive off what I was earning,but I couldn't plan everything and there was always the chance that I'd make a fatal mistake and screw everything up. I had to learn to Iive with the anxiety and enjoy the little joys in little things like making new recipes, mixing up the spices. Last month all my cookies had zest. The month before that I was on a chocolate kick, experimenting with dark chocolate, chocolate with chillis, white chocolate and of course the perfect chocolate filling. Those tiny obsessions kept the excitement going. It helped rejuvenate the place and make sure the life didn't go out of it. By five o'clock I could barely stand, the skin on my heels was wearing out from walking around too much. Every time I moved my feet the back of my shoes grated against the cut. I had to lean against the counter when I took orders just to keep my shoes from tearing into my heel. There was an afternoon rush, mostly kids and college students ordering coffee and pastries. The onslaught lasted for more than an hour and my feet yearned for relief.When I was done with the customers ,I limped back into the office to take a seat my legs were aching as there was a pain in my lower back that just could go away.

Laura's shift started in twenty minutes. I usually waited for her before I sat down but today I couldn't stand the pain any longer. The moment I sat down the doorbell chimed, which meant that there was a customer . I dragged myself to my feet. It was Mr. Beetle that's what Laura called him. He wore nothing but baggy slacks that he kept pulling up and cheap T-shirts with stains on the front. The funny thing about him was how he leaned over the counter and squinted through the thick glass that magnified his eyes.laura hated it. She said he stunk which he did. His slick back black hair smelled like the zoo and the smell of his whole body was repulsive. His head craned towards the side like a bird and he squinted up at the menu on the wall behind the counter. He moved his lips as he read over the menu in his head.

"Can I help you? "I asked keeping my distance from the counter. He looked down as if I had just appeared from thin air in front of him.

"How are you Maya? "

"Good, and you"

"Good, good... He was missing some teeth in his mouth, I could see the gaps in front. "What can I get you today "

"Uuuh, he shrugged...

"I don't know, what do you like to eat. "

I wanted to climb over the counter, grab him by the neck and tell him to hurry up buy I didn't. Instead I drummed my fingernails on the counter just one quick swipe. He didn't seem to notice. "I justmade some blueberry scones"

"yes, but I need something to drink. "He seemed to mull it over as if it was the biggest decision he'd ever made.

"How about some hot cocoa "

I only suggested it because it was already made. I could just pour it out and get him out if there. He liked to hang around the shop and take his time. It was infuriating :he used to come in when I was ready to collapse.

"Blueberry scones and hot cocoa it is then." he shuffled around his pocket and pulled up wadded out bills and an assortment coins.

"That'll be six dollars"

"Alright, let's see here"he dumped the change in the counter. I looked at the clock as he counted. Laura was already five minutes late and I hoped for her sake that she didn't keep me waiting any longer. One... Two.. Three. He was counting the last cents in pennies . I counted them mentally then swept them up. He looked up at me as if he was a child that had just gotten his toy taken from him. I ignored him,grabbed a cup and poured his hot chocolate. Then I grabbed him a scone, he seemed anxious ,bobbing back and forth on his heels like he was getting excited about getting a piece of candy.

"Here ya go"I said

He snatched the bag from my hands and turned to walk outside, the door opened and Laura rushed in. Her nose wrinkled as she side stepped him. Laura followed me to the back as she leaned on the door frame as I took my seat. She was skinny with short black hair that she kept in a pony tail and that classic model beauty that everyone could appreciate.

I've been told the same thing but I just dismissed it as flattery . My blond hair was too flat and stringy and my nose was too big but I had a nice figure.

"you are late, "I announced

"five minutes doesn't matter.. "

"It does when your boss has blisters in her feet" I tried not to cling as I pulled out my kitchen shoes and slipped on my flats .

"Jess am sorry I got off the door a little late. "

"it's fine I shouldn't be mad at you anyway you are giving me a much needed break. "

"Dude " Laura said waving her nose, "what us wrong with that guy ,did you smell him? I could barely breath"

"He's disabled. You shouldn't make fun of him. "

"He's creepy, thats what he is, you shouldn't let him in the store. We sell food here. People aren't going to want to come in the store if it smells like that"

I stood up and grabbed my water bottle from my desk the I walked out if the office. "it doesn't matter, if we banned creep that came in here we wouldn't have any business. "

"you're right, "Laura shrugged and put on an apron.

I followed her into the kitchen. "Donuts are done,they just need icing.There is a cake that needs finishing tomorrow. I left instructions" Laura nodded along.

"I'll need you to make a batch of apple scones though. "

"Did you mix up the apples though"laura didn't see happy.

"No, "I groaned. "we ran out of blueberry scones during the lunch rush. I had to prep more. It was a complete disaster.

"Geez, you should have called me" she pulled a crate of apples out of the walk-in.

"I didn't want to bother you. It wasn't that bad"

"Listen, get out of here. I've got this"laura said.

"All right "I felt like a new mother leaving her infant for the first time. I kept looking back at Laura a little uncertain.

"it'll be fine"Laura said

"okay okay"i grabbed my car keys "just let me know if there is any trouble "

"Okay " I knew I could trust Laura but I just couldn't get rid of the anxiety. I used to wake up at night wondering if I should drive up to there and see whether everything was going on fine. I'd go through the books at 2.00amin the morning to be sure that everything was alright.

Then I would go back to sleep and have nightmares of gangs throwing bricks at the window ,or people battering down the back door to the safe. Everything in my life depended on that tiny shop whether it succeed or not. And if it didn't succeed I would be completely screwed. It was cold and wet outside, halfway between on rainstorm and another. I usually didn't mind but I forgot to bring a jacket that morning. I was shivering all the way back to my car. When I got in I took a second and let my head fall back to my seat. If I kept this up I was going to be institutionalized.

The problem wasn't the work I could handle that but having to worry every second of everyday it wasn't healthy. But what other choice did I have my worries kept me motivated. They woke me up every morning and got me through the day. Without them. I would have nothing. I started my car and checked m rear view mirror before backing out. Mr Beetle was standing next to a light pole staring at me with a line of blueberry icing smeared on his cheek .what was he doing there. I had wondered more than once if the man was homeless. It was hard to see someone like that without feeling a little bit of sympathy. He didn't deserve the kind of treatment Laura gave him. His life was hard enough I decided to be nice to him and waved at him before I pulled out. His eyes went wild and he gave me a toothless grin. It was sweet.

I took sometime to look around. Life was being life and the bakery was really taking up my thinking space. I felt like I was going insane but seeing Mr Beetle always made me feel like I could be doing worse. I wanted to get out and hug him...