Rise of the Phoenix

Dear Diary

I don’t know how to start. I’ve never written in a diary before. Yes, I know it’s weird all my friends did and everyone I know does. But I’ve never seen the appeal of writing all your thoughts and deepest darkest secrets in a book. My therapist told me it would be good for me to write in a diary to express myself, but why do I pay her? I pay her to listen to me while I express my feelings to her. A diary can’t talk back. Maybe that is why. I will never know. Psychology is definitely not my major. I must be very honest here, I’ve been through a lot, my mom’s death, all the shit that happened after her death, and I never saw anyone and I’m still living my life and I don’t think I turned out too bad. I also had no other way, we didn't have money for counselors or psychologists.

My name is Danielle Wilson, I’m 21 years old and still a virgin. That’s maybe the biggest secret I have only my friends know. I’ve never found the right person to lose the big V card to and the fact that I’m a straight A student or where a straight A student didn’t leave much time for boys and I’m a total nerd so that doesn’t count in my favor with the boys. I’m the one they come to for tutoring not to ask out on a date. My friends like making fun of me but I just brush them off. I’ve known Nikki and Hannah my whole life and you need to know when to ignore them. Because if you don’t you will be permanently angry at them.

I’m 5 ft 2, with brown hair, brown eyes, and a C-cup bra size. Nikki and Hannah say I have curves in all the right places. I’m not so sure if they are just saying that to be nice or if it is true. If you ask me to tell you how I look I would probably say, brown hair, brown eyes, and a nerd. I’m a criminal law student at Berkeley in California on a bursary. Mom died of cancer when I was 10 and dad tried to raise me but ended up in jail for grand theft auto when I was barely 18. At least he kept it together or tried to while I was still under his roof it wasn’t an easy life, but we survived.

When mom died, I put all of my effort into my school work. I wanted to succeed, I wanted to become someone mom would be proud of. I got straight A’s since I was 10 years old. I never faulted and that’s how I got a full ride at Berkeley. Hard work. My therapist says I’m to focus on my studies and I need time to relax, to go out to enjoy my young life. I’ve never relaxed I don’t think I know how to relax. But apparently, I need to make plans with my friends to go dancing. I’m not so sure about that. Nikki and Hannah are very excited to take me out. They are hopeful that I will lose that V-card. Again, I’m not so sure. If I haven’t found that person yet, why on earth would I find him at a club? I’m not into random guys.

I don’t know if this is the kind of thing you write in a diary but fuck it. It’s my diary I can probably write anything I want to.

I would say I’m a strong, independent woman according to my therapist to independent and too strong, she thinks I might break if I don’t start to relax. I’ve never been the one who left my fate in other people’s hands, I focus and work hard and do it myself. I’m working two jobs at the moment and studying. I don’t get straight A’s in all my subjects but in most of them. I’m not happy about the B’s I get but I have to live with that. I want to get all A’s and will always strive to achieve that. And I think that is where my problem lies. I push myself and push myself. I want a better life than I had with my dad, yes, he did his best but I want better.

My therapist asked me why I study criminal law. It’s quite an easy answer, if my dad had a better criminal defense attorney he would have walked free, but no they gave him a shitty state’s attorney. I know stealing, murder, drugs, drunk driving, grand theft auto, etc. is wrong but sometimes the end justifies the means and I feel strongly that everyone deserves the best defense.

My dad stole that car in a very poor attempt for me. He knew I wanted to go to Berkeley and he stole it before I got the letter that I had a full ride. He wanted to give me the money for accommodation. Until I was on my feet. When the letter came from Berkeley my accommodation was included, but the damage was done. He was already sentenced. So, like I said he did it with a good heart. A bad thing for the right reason. Now the question is why am I at a therapist, I’m a strong, independent driven, and focused woman who never went to a therapist before. Well, when your professor tells you, you are burning yourself out you need to see a therapist, you put your big girl panties on and go see a therapist. I've been to the therapist for a month now and she keeps on telling me I have to go out and I keep on making excuses not to go. I'm not the party type, leave me at home with a good book or good series and pizza and I'm happy, to see a simple girl with simple needs.