I HATE HIM MORE THAN I IMAGINED (MxM)

I hate Felix Sawyer.

I hate his existence, I hate everything about him, I hate how he made me feel like I'm not good enough on the ice, I hate how he easily won the championship, I hate how my team will be up against him and I would have to see his smug face on the ice.

“Chill out, or you'll pass out.” Julian said as he tried to take the bottle of beer from my hand, but I was quick to react. Turning the bottle slightly out of reach from his hand, and glared at him.

“That's the whole purpose of me drinking.” I struggled to form my sentences but still managed to say something that wasn't rubbish, at least not totally.

“Tomorrow is the game.” Julian shook his head. “You need to be at your best.”

I shouldn't be drinking when I have a game against Felix Sawyer tomorrow and I know that but I can't help it. I don't want to think about anything, especially seeing Felix's face tomorrow after all that went down between us.

“I fucking know that.” I rolled my eyes at Julian, then stood up from my seat.

“Where are you going?” I can tell he was worried but I wasn't the only one drinking, other of our teammates were too, he should take care of them and leave me alone.

“Restroom.” I had no choice but to reply since he was the captain of the team.

I made my way towards the restroom, finding an empty stall and settling there to finish my business. When I was done I headed to the sink to wash my hands, then stared at my reflection on the mirror on the wall there.

‘Well, don't you look pathetic?’ I muttered to myself, taking in my drunk appearance and sighed deeply. This wasn't me…being drunk on a random Thursday night because the hockey officials decided to play god and put my team against the Ravenberg which Felix played for.

As long as I can remember, I've been trying so hard to beat Felix on the ice and somehow that demon managed to crush me like he did to my fucking heart.

It's quite stupid to hate someone because they broke your heart but I couldn't help it.

I had a massive crush on Felix during my first year at college, and it was because of him I had gone to New Jersey for college. I always idolized him, his posters on my walls, magazines that featured him, even his stickers on my notebook.

But like they say, don't meet your idols in real life because you'll get disappointed.

During freshman orientation night I met Felix for the first time, he was looking perfect with his flannel top and jeans. His hair was messy but somehow managed to look perfect, his sculpted face and chiseled chin were highlighted under the light.

He was perfect.

I've never approached anyone before, not girls or guys which was the reason I never dated or have any friends. But I decided to approach Felix. I tried to control my steps so I don't run to him like those fan girls who always wait for him at the airport.

Yes, Felix was really famous.

He was a good player and that earned him reputation, aside from that his mother was a famous actress and his father was a famous business mogul and that also earned him the fame to skyrocket his career to the peak.

“Hi..” My voice came out smaller than I had intended. The moment his face turned to my direction, my heart skipped a beat. He looked at me from head to toe like he was trying to analyze what I was wearing.

I wasn't looking good. My prescribed glasses were on, my faded black polo and shorts that my mom had gotten on a discount sale. Safe to say I was looking like your average nerd who tried to escape that aesthetic but failed woofully at that.

“Hey.” He smiled at me, showing his perfect set of dentitures. We engaged in a series of conversations and when his friends came over, he introduced me to them and we all clicked, for a moment everything was perfect. A small town nerd with the golden boy of hockey and his friends.

It was during fall I think, I decided to confess to Felix how I felt about him. We've been hanging out constantly, he would invite me to his games and I would go watch him play. He even suggested that he trained me in hockey, and stupid me accepted. I trained with him every Tuesdays and Thursdays after my classes, always rushing to get to the rink because my heart won't stop beating with excitement at the sight of seeing him.

“You're getting good.” He would say as he ruffled my hair. “Someday you will be better than I am.”

After practice he would take me to a cafe to get coffee, before driving me home while blasting songs on his stereo. On weekends he would pick me up and we'll go on drive with no destination in mind then we fall back to our usual routine during the new week.

“I have something to tell you.” I had said during one of our practice sessions, he skated to where I laid down on the ice and did the same.

“What’s that?” I looked at him, taking in his practice appearance, sweat glistened on his face, and dripped from his hair.

“I think I'm in love with you.” I forced myself to say it because if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to. “I know it's stupid, we're friends and we're boys..’

I trailed off, trying to avoid my eyes from going to him.

“But, I can't help the fact I feel like this and if I don't say anything now, it would probably sit at the top of things I regret doing.” I thought about what else to say to back up my confession but nothing came.

At one point, I felt a sting of tears in my eyes when the thought of him avoiding me came. I didn't know how I was going to live with it, the fact that I had let some feelings come between the friendship we've built.

“Heyyy” His voice broke through the thoughts I had. “Look at me..”

I did.

“I feel the same way.” He said as he touched my cheeks as tears slowly slipped out without me knowing, a small smile tugged at my lips as I watched his eyes looking at mine with tenderness in them.

I feel the same way, not I love you too.

How dumb was I to fall for that, to look past the meaning of those words and give myself to him completely, my firsts and everything, completely till he damaged me. Now staring at my reflection, I was truly pathetic but not that pathetic that I would throw away tomorrow's game because of some dumb feelings.

I will make sure Felix gets a taste of defeat and he'll beg with tears in his eyes, I wouldn't budge when he d

oes because all have left for him is nothing but hate.

I hate Felix Sawyer.