Replay 2002

March 10, 2020

It has been a while since I think of something remarkable. Maybe it is just me who has been thinking of “Where can I go after this?” “What should I do after this?” “Can I really do this?” I always doubted myself back then when I was in college. I even tried to skip an exam, an important one. But yes, I think I made it.

“Alice! We are going to be late!” my mom said while I was fixing my hair, putting lipstick on, and trying to step out of my room. I still cannot believe that this is happening. It is like I am living in my dream. However, I am too early for this. I have a lot of things to do, and I have a lot of things in my mind as well. How possible is that?

My classmates always tell me that I have good critical thinking skills. Even my professor used to say that when we met in the hallway. “How can you know that?” is the question I can hear more than a thousand times when doing our case studies and activities. I guess it is because I trust my instincts more than I trust myself. My capacity to think about something reasonable has an infinite desire, which pushes me to do something interesting. But I always think of the result of the things I am doing. Maybe it is because of my capacity as well to live a normal life.

“What is your goal in life?” I always think about that before taking another step. Taking risks is my forte. Living with my mom was the best thing that happened to me. But it is always incomplete. I always feel incomplete. It feels like something is always missing like I want to do a rewind and go back to my past to search for clues. I have many questions in my head, and I am hoping to answer all of them as I try to move further.

“Alice, we are here.” My mom said as she tried to perfect the position of her car in the parking lot. I did not notice that we had arrived. It feels like a spur of the moment then we just got here. To my dearest alma mater, you have been my rock.

“Are you nervous?” my mom asked me while we were about to enter my school.

“Well, I am a bit nervous. But I think that is normal to feel. Right?” I asked as I looked around the campus.

“Of course, it is normal to feel that way. But you should be more proud of yourself that you have reached this point.” My mom said, looking at me like she was about to cry. But I know that it is too early for that.

“I am always proud of what I am doing, even sometimes I am not getting my desired outcome, as long as I know that I gave my best. That is what matters.” I responded.

We were inside the venue, and I had to drop off my mom, where the parents were supposed to sit. As I look for my spot, I realize that this is the greatest achievement for myself and my mom. Just thinking about the challenges I have to go through, it is nearly a surviving point. But I always tell myself, “I got this. You have to.” And that is when I started to trust myself even more.

Sometimes, it can be a battle between you and yourself only in this world. There will be times when you have to look at yourself in the mirror and ask unnecessary questions. Sooner or later, you will reach the tipping point of your life wherein you will be a fragile glass, and even wind can break you. That is what happened to me, I guess. I fought so many times and survived. I think that is what life is trying to tell us. To fight and to survive.

“To our dearest students, parents, teachers, and school director, have a blessed morning to all.” And that is when everything started. The ceremony will take more than two hours depending on how long our names will be. My hands are shaking, and my heart is pounding. I am trying my best not to sweat because it took me more than an hour to finish my makeup, and I do not want to ruin it. I always look back to my mom, and I can see that she pays attention to the ceremony. I wonder what is in her mind. Is she nervous? Happy? Excited? I cannot tell unless she tells me what she feels.

Everyone is clapping, and I can see everyone’s smiles and their small portion of tears in their eyes. As my adviser continuously calls our names, I continually show my happiness and proudness to my fellow students. I cannot believe that this is happening. After all the training we had, after all the cases we have tried to solve, all the sleepless nights. We are here, clapping for ourselves.

“Alice Monroe. With Leadership Award. And with the highest grade point average of 1.25” And yes, that is me. My name is being called, and as my mom and I walk on stage, I can see the huge crowd cheering for one’s success.

“I am so proud of you, Alice!” I think my mom said that more than ten times.

“Where do you want to eat, honey?” my mom asked me.

Well, after a long and emotional day, I want to eat in my favorite steak house and have a glass of wine; it is just my mom and me talking about how tearful we were before my graduation ceremony ended. And yes that is right, finally, I graduated.

“Alice, I know that from this day forward, things will be heavier for you. You will encounter more conflicts that you have to solve. You even have to risk your life every day. That is why, please do know that you can lean on me, okay?” my mom said with a teary eye while cutting the steak for me.

After hearing those words from my mom, I know that the next chapter of my life will be more challenging. But it is my duty to protect the people in need; it is my job as a detective.