Unspoken Desire

I fell in love with my father's friend—a man twelve years older than me.

I was fourteen the first time I saw him. He stood at the arrivals gate at JFK in a dark suit, broad-shouldered and narrow-waisted, the most striking person in the whole crowd.

He smiled, ruffled my hair, and gave me a beautiful white dress. "Welcome to New York, little princess."

The year I turned twenty, someone drugged him at a charity gala. I put on that white dress and became his cure.

The next morning, his childhood sweetheart, Vivian Moore, walked in and found us half-dressed. Vivian ran out of the estate in tears, straight into the path of an out-of-control truck. She died on the spot.

From then on, Sebastian Cross was a different man.

He calmly arranged Vivian's funeral. He calmly married me. He calmly shared my bed every night. And then he calmly said he didn't want children yet, and sent me to a private clinic, again and again.

The eighteenth time, I hemorrhaged. Lying on the operating table, barely breathing, I heard the doctor call him.

His voice was as steady as ever. "Is she dead? Call me when she is."

In that moment, I finally understood. He hated me.

He hated me for making myself his cure. He hated me for the twist of fate that killed Vivian.

As the heart monitor flatlined, regret flooded every inch of me.

…

When I opened my eyes again, I was standing in the second-floor hallway of the Cross estate.

——

Chapter One

I was wearing the white dress. There was a glass of warm water in my hand. Behind me, the bedroom door stood half open.

I'd been reborn. Reborn on the very night Sebastian was drugged.

The man on the bed was usually cool and untouchable—his tie always knotted up to the top button, even his smiles carefully measured. Now he'd torn his collar open. The veins stood out at his temples, and his fists were twisted in the sheets. He looked like a statue someone had dragged down off its pedestal.

I looked at him, a hundred feelings tangled in my chest.

In my last life, it was exactly this Sebastian who'd bewitched me. I didn't care that he was my father's friend, that he was my guardian, that he was twelve years older than me. I pushed that door open.

Only later did I learn that Sebastian and Vivian had been in love for years. They just hadn't gotten around to saying it out loud before I beat them to it.

One wrong step, and every step after it went wrong. I didn't just throw away my own life. I cost Vivian hers.

Maybe heaven took pity on me, because it had sent me back to the night that decided everything.

This time, I wanted only one thing: to give them to each other. To save myself, and to save Vivian.

I set the glass down on the hallway console, pulled the bedroom door shut behind me, and called Vivian without a second's hesitation.

Ten minutes later, her car pulled up in front of the estate.

I grabbed her hand. "I know he likes you, and you like him. You've just never found the right moment to say it. He's been drugged and he needs you. This is the best chance you'll ever get."

Vivian had been half suspicious since my call. Now her expression was even harder to read, like she was afraid it was some kind of trap.

"Lila, what are you playing at? Everyone in Manhattan knows you're chasing Sebastian. He's in that state, and instead of taking advantage, you call me?"

The corner of my mouth twitched.

Right. At this point, the whole world knew I was chasing Sebastian. I used to think that if I just tried hard enough, I could get past the gap in our ages and our places. Now I knew better. If he didn't love me, then no matter how much I gave, all I'd get back was a lifetime of misery.

I shook my head. "I don't like him anymore. Not ever again."

The words had barely left my mouth when a strangled groan came from the room.

"He can't hold out much longer." I let go of her hand. "If you don't go in now, it'll be too late."

Vivian followed my gaze to the gap in the door. Something hesitant flickered in her eyes. Then she bit her lip and seemed to make up her mind. "So why are you still standing here? Planning to listen at the door?"

I stiffened and stepped aside to let her pass.

The moment Vivian's hand touched Sebastian's face, I shut the door myself.

The sounds behind it came one after another, each one a hammer, beating my heart into pulp.

All the strength drained out of me. I slid down the wall onto the carpet. The tears came pouring out, one after another—and yet underneath, I felt a strange, unspeakable relief.

I was finally free of the fate I'd had in my last life.

I sat in that hallway, one door away from them, and didn't sleep all night.

Just before dawn, I wiped my face and stumbled back to my room. I'd barely sat down when my father called. Afternoon in London. Early morning in New York.

"Lila, would you like to come to London and stay with your old dad?"

Six years ago, the Hart Group had decided to expand into Europe. My father went to London alone, and worried he couldn't take care of me, he'd entrusted fourteen-year-old me to his much younger friend, Sebastian.

That arrangement had lasted six years.

Once the Hart Group had a solid footing in London, my father tried to bring me over again and again. But by then I was already in love with Sebastian, and I turned him down every time.

Now Sebastian and Vivian were finally together. It was time for me to leave too, and live my own life.

I took a deep breath. "Dad, I'll come."

There were two seconds of silence on the other end. Then my father's voice burst with excitement. "That's my girl. You've finally come around! I always said Sebastian wasn't right for you. There's nothing wrong with wanting to fall in love, but you have to find the right person. I've found you a fiancé—only a few years older than you, very steady. When you get here, spend some time with him. Meet other people. It can't hurt."

My already swollen eyes filled up again.

He'd said the same thing in my last life. I didn't listen to a word. I wasted my whole life, and I never even got to see my father one last time.

I dug my nails into my palm and smiled. "Okay. Whatever you say. I'll start on my visa today, and I'll put in my transfer application while I'm at it."

Last year, I'd been accepted as an exchange student at an art school in London. Because of Sebastian, I'd put the letter in a drawer without even opening it. In my last life, I never opened it before I died.

I hung up, picked up my passport and the letter, and opened the door—

And walked straight into the man standing outside.

Sebastian's shirt was only half buttoned. The love bites scattered across his neck hit me square in the eyes.

Even though I'd braced myself for it, I quietly looked away.

The small movement didn't escape him. Together with my red, swollen eyes, it made him think of something, and his voice went cold.

"Lila, whether you like it or not, I'm with Vivian now."

"I'm going to marry her. As long as you live here, you'll respect her. No more of that ridiculous talk from before."

I lowered my eyes and said calmly, "I understand, Uncle Sebastian."

At the word Uncle, Sebastian actually froze.

I knew why. When I first came to New York, I always called him Uncle Sebastian, sweet as anything. But from the year I turned seventeen, I refused. I called him by his name, bold as you please, like I had every right to. He probably couldn't remember how long it had been since he'd heard me call him that.

He pressed a hand to his brow without thinking. He was about to say something when a woman's voice came from behind him.

"Sebastian, my luggage is here. Which room is mine?"

Sebastian snapped out of it and pulled Vivian into his arms, his voice turning soft at once. "You love the sun. Lila's room faces south. It gets the best light. I'll have her move to the guest room. You'll stay there from now on."

Vivian's eyes glittered with triumph, but she put on a show of reluctance. "That doesn't seem right. I'm the newcomer, after all… I'll just take the guest room."

She turned to go, and the next second let out a little shriek as Sebastian swept her back by the waist.

"You're going to be Mrs. Cross. You're the lady of this house. How could you sleep in the guest room?"

"But Lila's lived in that room for six years. Won't it be hard for her to move all of a sudden?"

Sebastian glanced at me in the doorway. "What's hard about it? She has to get used to me getting married. Used to this house having a mistress. Used to being an outsider."

My lashes trembled faintly.

An outsider…

He was right. I'd only ever been an outsider, temporarily boarded here.

I curved my lips into an obedient smile. "I'll pack my things right now."

Soon I'd be across the Atlantic, back with my father, and I'd never set foot in this house again.

This had only ever been Sebastian and Vivian's home.